THIS ARTICLE OBVIOUSLY CONTAINS SPOILERS, OBVIOUSLY, IT’S SO OBVIOUS HOW MANY SPOILERS WILL BE CONTAINED IN THIS ARTICLE.
Hi! So… have you guys heard of this show Game of Thrones? HAHAHAH WHAT A FUNNY JOKE (because everyone in the known universe has heard of Game of Thrones. Get it? What a great way to start off this article – with such a fantastic joke).
A few years ago I posted three “Toni Watches Game of Thrones” articles for seasons one, two, and three. Then I paused watching because I have zero patience, and watching a show week-to-week sounds like what one would do if they were banished to the fiery pits of hell, and were being punished for some past wrongdoing. Not into it, basically. So I held off on watching season 4. Then season 5. Then I sort of forgot that I watched it in the first place (do NOT yell at me!), then the world started freaking out about the most recent season, so last week I started again. And yes, I’m already done. I don’t mess around, know what I mean?
A startling amount of you have messaged / tweeted / carrier-pidgeoned me, asking when I’ll be posting the rest of the seasons, and heck, I gives ‘em what they wants!
To recap the premise of this – when I watch a show, I generally send my reactions via Facebook-chat to my pal Liana (a beautiful, hilarious gift from the heavens). “But what about all the spoilers on the internet,” you ask? Miraculously, I had only one thing spoiled for me, and it was that Kit Harington (Jon Snow) is still on the show. That’s it. I’m very good with quickly clicking away. Nimble fingers.
Anyway, shall we jump into this? [Warning – there are a lot of swears]
Ugh these credits. Who okayed a 2 minute opening credit sequence?
*Happy sigh* The gang is back!I was right! The Bitch Queen DID reject Jamie because of his hand. “You’re too late.” UGH. What a tool.Hello Jon Snow!! Wanna tell us all you know? Oh, you can’t? Is it because you know nothing? Great to see you anyway, stay cool, bro. I’m glad the council of virgins or whatever didn’t execute you for being awesome.Who is this guy “gambling” with Grey Worm by holding a sword? Am I forgetting him from last season, or is he new? Not complaining.Oh man, remember in the very last episode of last season when my heart melted into a puddle of sympathy for Sansa and I finally started to like her? Apparently that’s still in effect. Is it weird how much I love her marriage to Tyrian? Am I a total perv if I want her to fall in love with him for realsies? (I’ll understand if you say yes, but don’t say yes)
BAAAHHHH OH MY GOD ARYA IS SUCH A LITTLE PSYCHO AND I LOVE IT. She found the man that stole her sword and SLOWLY stuck it through his neck while reciting exactly what he said as he killed her friend. SHEESH, Arya. Like, seek help maybe? The smirk on her face when she did it. MAN ALIVE. I’m in love. Also, her and the Hound are the greatest murder-squad of all time. They DESTROYED everyone in that Inn. Yikes. Brutally adorable alert!
*gasp* BRON is going to teach JAMIE how to sword fight with his left hand. This is going to be better than any situational comedy ever seen by human eyes.
Ugh – are we seriously going to spend more time on the Theon storyline? Zero interest in him and the psycho and the psycho’s psycho girlfriend. No thanks, psychos, I’ll pass.
The Red Lady, more like Red… stupid… face. Why do I feel like she’s going to murder the adorable kid? Also – Stannis’s (it’s Stannis, right? The Barathean snore-fest?) anyway, his wife is a total wacko.
The Spanish-but-not-really-Spanish guy is intriguing and charming. Me likey.
SAD FACE. Tyrian just sent his girlfriend (Shay?) away because she’s in danger, and that was very sad. Well. Now he’ll just have to fall in love with Sansa for realsies (it’s weird how much I want this, I recognize that).
This “dwarf show” at the wedding is offensive, Joffrey. OFFENSIVE.
I’m gonna go ahead and call it – I love Margary. That girl is power hungry for all the right reasons. And she was thwarting Joffery’s attempts at being a dick at every turn. Have fun doing THAT for the rest of your life, you beautiful scheming angel.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Joffery is dead!!! WHAT. I did NOT see that coming! HOLY EFFFFF And they think Tyrian did it!! Obviously he didn’t, he looked more surprised than anybody. Was it the knight that Sansa saved that one time?? He seemed to know what was going down before anyone else. Holy fuck, that death was so EPIC. The blood spurting out his nose and his EYES and the fucking foam… fuck me, that was amazing.
I can’t believe Joffery is dead! It’s only the second episode!
I hope Sansa hasn’t really deserted Tyrian. I want them to be in love for realsies!!!
Ugh, Little Finger gives me the willies. Is it just me, or is he talking like more a werido than usual?
Wait. Did Jamie just… rape… Cersei? That’s upsetting for a myriad of reasons. I don’t know what to say about that. Liana, I’m upset.
No one on earth has ever thought, “I wonder what’s going on with Sam and his inbred Wildling.”
I love Podrick. I love him, I love him, I love him. His goodbye to Tyrian was heartbreakingly funny and devastating.
Bah! Super Blonde (Kaleessi? Kalisi? whatever) just catapulted chains and collars over the wall of that city for the slaves to put on their Masters. She’s bitchen.
I don’t entirely understand Bran’s storyline, but I love Hodor, so… okay. You do you, Bran.
WAIT. The White Walkers used to be HUMAN??? Whaaaaaaa???? So they take the dude babies from that gross guy, and they turn them into snow zombies. Wowzers.
PODRICK AND BRIENNE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *intense happy face*
Liana, I just do not care about the cities that Super Blonde has overthrown or whatever. She freed the slaves, that’s cool. Let’s move on, shall we?
NO NO NO NO NO. NO. Bran and Jon were SO CLOSE!!!! Stupid Love Actually kid, not letting them reunite! OH I’M JUST SO MAD. I mean… I’m glad they’re alive and all, but I’m still JUST SO MAD. All I want is a Stark reunion. It’s all I want.
Am I seriously watching a scene in a bank right now? IN A BANK? Stannis, get your shit together and be interesting, or stop taking up screen-time.
SHAYYYYYYYY I hate her, I hate her, I hate her! I can’t believe I ever liked her! She is spewing LIES at Tyrian’s trial! Was she pretending to Love Tyrian the whole time??? Or is she being blackmailed into lying? Stupid stupid stupid, I hate her!
But oh man, Tyrian’s speech just slayed. Well done. High five. Give ‘em hell!
Ew, ew, ew, Little Finger just kissed Sansa! I’m surprised his lips still work, I thought they’d be tired after faking that weird accent all season.
OH MAN! Her Aunt went mental and almost killed Sansa! And then Little Finger killed the Aunt instead! That is some awkward family dynamics, right there.
I don’t quite understand what Ramsay the psycho and his creepy dad and poor, poor, stupid Theon are up to, but I guess they officially have Winterfell now? What a bunch of ass-hats.
Oh no! The old dude who’s in love with Dany was a spy? And now he’s kicked out of their crew. Poor guy.
Arya and the Hound are my favourite. These two need a sit-com.
OHHHH NOOOOOO OBERON! The hot, charming Not-Really-Spanish guy was winning, and then he show-boated and the Mountain popped his head like a zit! That was incredibly distressing. I am distressed. And now Tyrian is going to die for a crime he didn’t commit, and everything is going to hell!
The fight at the wall is very tense and I’m not always certain what’s going on, but I am in constant fear for EVERYONE. Also – the giants are awesome. One of them shot an arrow and killed someone at the TOP OF THE WALL. Damn, Crows, you are in capital T, TROUBLE.
YGRITTE!!! That last “you know nothing Jon Snow” was a bit much, but still very sad.
The boring non-King showed up and ended the fight very anticlimactically, which is exactly his style. This guy needs to die soon. This show has made me bloodthirsty!
WHOA! Love Actually kid is dead! He was stabbed a BUNCH. And then some magic pixie showed up and fireballed a bunch of zombies. I am confused, yet delighted!
Awww, Jamie let Tyrian go.
FUCKING SHAY. Fucking stupid Shay. Ugh. Good riddance!
WHAAAA Tyrian shot his dad on the TOILET!
I love Dany, but I just do not give an eff if the people in that Rando city like her or not. Kill the dude… don’t kill the dude… I don’t care. Do I wish she had NOT killed that one slave guy? Sure, yeah. Is it compelling enough for half an episode. It sure as shit isn’t, Game of Thrones.I DO like that Tyrian is on his way to meet her, though. That’s fun. I really like the Eunuch (Var-something?), and his total boredom over everything.
Ohhhh, Jon Snow for the win. He just won Team Captain of the Night Crawlers, so that’s cool.
Okay, I get it – Dany took over a city and the slaves are free now, and not everyone is happy, and that’s a hard day. But like… why do I care about it? I don’t remember why we should care.
What in the eff… Arya has gone full cult.
Little Finger is shady as fuck. How many psychopaths is Sansa going to be forced into being engaged to??? RAMSAY BOLTON??? He cut off Theon’s willy! His father murdered Dreamy Rob! This is a bad choice, Sansa. Just say no. My body is conflicted because the actor who plays Ramsay is wildly attractive, and yet his character is an evil wackadoo. Like, I think even Joffrey would be like, “he’s a bit much.”
It is nice to see Sansa at Winterfell, though. ALL I WANT is a Stark reunion. Who’s left – Jon, Sansa, Arya, and the boys. I don’t remember their names. The magic one and the one with no personality. And Theon, I guess. He was raised with them.
I know. I KNOW I love her. And I want her to win. I do. But then what? That’s how monarchies work! I don’t make the rules! Or just, like… pass on the title to a worthy successor? Is that allowed? Or hold a vote? Haha, Game of Thrones just ends with all the background characters who survived establishing a democracy.I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it a million more times, Brienne and Podrick are my FAVOURITE.
He gets off on torturing people. Both physically and psychologically.
And not frustrating in the good way.
I get that it’s a made-up land in a historical time setting – but having the Church arrest Iron Fist for “buggary” is problematic.
And portraying the religious types as fanatic assholes is problematic, too.
Plus, it’s just boring and frustrating, and it feels like plot-filler.
I like the actor of the main priest-dude. And I get that the character THINKS he’s doing good. But really, he’s just being a bigot.
Welp, it was only a matter of time before the God Squad threw Cersei in jail for being gross. And SHE was the one to put them in power! You don’t put a bunch of fanatic religious types in charge of the law when you yourself continually break their religious law.
I am excited about Dany and Tyrian. They just met. That’s neat.
Holy fucking hell
I just spent the last fifteen minutes of this episode saying “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”
It was the battle against the dead and the white walkers with Jon Snow and the wildlings
and that awesome chick who we just met, and who I really didn’t want to die, and who obviously immediately died.
And Jon Snow was fighting a White Walker and I’m not sure if the sword he was using was dragon glass, but he was able to kill it.
The Giant Wildling is my favourite part of this season.
He way he fought the dead like a boss, then just casually sauntered into the sea, like ‘fuck this noise, I’m out.”
A LOT of people died, and then Jon was on the boat sort of drifting away with some pals, and the White Walker sauntered up and was all, “oh hey, you think you’re winning? Check this shit out.” and then RAISED ALL THE DEAD. And everyone who died stood up and Jon was just like, “fuuuuuuuuck” and then the episode ended.
That was scary, and now it’s bed time. That was poor timing on my part. Maybe I’ll watch something happy before bed. Like… puppy videos. I’ll probably lose a few hours once I get started, but it’s worth it.
Marjorie’s dad just went to the place that Arya is, and Arya is all distracted and following them, watching another dude who’s with them.
I totally forget who the dude is.
Is he on her list?
What’d he do?
Oh, now he’s in a brothel and keeps saying “too young”. Ugh, they brought him a teen, or maybe even younger, like 12-14. He took her away and was like, “you’ll have a fresh one for me tomorrow.”
I truly cannot wait until Arya horribly murders this guy. #Toni’sBloodLust
[Liana tells me the guy killed Arya’s fencing coach, and that’s why she’s following him]
I like how this show just expects us to remember a dude Arya hates from season 1. That’s not even sarcasm. I respect it. They don’t hit us over the head with it. They make us figure it out. They tell the story, and we’re supposed to make something of it.UUUUGGGHHH Stannis is going to kill his fucking daughter, isn’t he?
Legit – his daughter’s relationship with the “Hand of the King” guy is the only thing I care about with his whole plotline.
Stannis can walk off a cliff for all I care, along with his creepy witch lover.
But his daughter is AWESOME. And the Hand fellow (Davos?) who she taught to read is also awesome. And I have a feeling this is going to upset me.
Mother fucking bloody hell
They did it.
They fucking BURNED HER ALIVE
Davos is going to be so pissed.
I’m so over Stannis. Someone kill him already.
That’s right! I forgot about that. Sweet, beautiful Gendry. Where you at, my hunky bastard dreamboat??
I want him and Davos to team up! Galant, nobel Davos.
I hope he’s the one to kill Stannis.
And then Gendry somehow ends up being King, and Davos is his Hand, and they hold monthly sing-a-longs.
That was fun.
I also like that she’s friends with the old Knight again. He worked REALLY hard for that. He just won the sport fight, then saved her life a bunch. Now they’re besties again, I assume.
Ohhhh I just remembered that he has the rock disease! Ugh. That makes me sad.
I don’t mind her boy toy, but can you imagine going from a fucking Horse King to that guy?
What the fuck was he?
Sexy. That’s what. Who cares.So much is happening! I’m not done the season finale yet, but Brienne killed Stannis, and it was so anticlimactic, which pretty much sums up Stannis as a human being. And the Red Witch was just like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Later gators.”
And the battle was barely anything.
Ugh. And then THEON saved Sansa by throwing that jerk-girl over a wall. Hahah she really plopped.
And then Theon and Sansa JUMPED off a very high wall. I hope the snow was fluffy!!
I really liked them holding hands to do it.Awwwww Varys and Tyrian are the best of friends and it makes my heart sing.
“I did miss you.””Oh, I know.”Oh, and the Spanish lady totally murdered Jamie’s daughter.
I really liked her when we first met her, but now I really don’t.
The Spanish King just wants peace for his people, and she’s determined to go to war.
And she keeps saying how Oberon was “murdered”. He wasn’t murdered. He volunteered for a trial by combat and he lost.
Them’s the breaks, kid,
I do like her horny daughter, though. haha she’s a spitfire.
Anyway, inbred whatsherface is totally dead, and there’s for sure going to be war.
And she was all, “i’m glad you’re my father”, and Jamie was SO HAPPY, and then poof goes any happiness Jamie is allowed to have.Cersei HAD TO WALK THROUGH THE CITY NAKED!
This is NUTS! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
These religious jerk-wads have GOT to go. It’s so frustrating.
I mean, it was awesome to see Cersei get hers, but STILL.
Same with Marjorie. Every time she speaks she gets hit and told to confess.
I can’t believe she’s STILL locked up. Her punishment is so disproportionate to her “crime”. And they don’t have proof!
It makes me so angry.
Injustice!!!!Dany is surrounded by an army on horses. I’m intrigued.Oh, and Jon Snow is “dead”. If I didn’t know he comes back, I would be very upset right now.
I can imagine how it was watching this in real-time.
The fucking WATCH turned on him! And stabbed him a bunch! And then that little dude stabbed him last. That one hurt.
[Originally Posted September 2017 on tv.com]