Toni Watches Game of Thrones – A Recap Through Reactions – Seasons 4 & 5

 

Ew, ew, ew, Little Finger just kissed Sansa! I’m surprised his lips still work, I thought they’d be tired after faking that weird accent all season.

OH MAN! Her Aunt went mental and almost killed Sansa! And then Little Finger killed the Aunt instead! That is some awkward family dynamics, right there.

I don’t quite understand what Ramsay the psycho and his creepy dad and poor, poor, stupid Theon are up to, but I guess they officially have Winterfell now? What a bunch of ass-hats.

Oh no! The old dude who’s in love with Dany was a spy? And now he’s kicked out of their crew. Poor guy.

Arya and the Hound are my favourite. These two need a sit-com.

OHHHH NOOOOOO OBERON! The hot, charming Not-Really-Spanish guy was winning, and then he show-boated and the Mountain popped his head like a zit! That was incredibly distressing. I am distressed. And now Tyrian is going to die for a crime he didn’t commit, and everything is going to hell!

The fight at the wall is very tense and I’m not always certain what’s going on, but I am in constant fear for EVERYONE. Also – the giants are awesome. One of them shot an arrow and killed someone at the TOP OF THE WALL. Damn, Crows, you are in capital T, TROUBLE.

YGRITTE!!! That last “you know nothing Jon Snow” was a bit much, but still very sad.

The boring non-King showed up and ended the fight very anticlimactically, which is exactly his style. This guy needs to die soon. This show has made me bloodthirsty!

WHOA! Love Actually kid is dead! He was stabbed a BUNCH. And then some magic pixie showed up and fireballed a bunch of zombies. I am confused, yet delighted!

Awww, Jamie let Tyrian go.

FUCKING SHAY. Fucking stupid Shay. Ugh. Good riddance!

WHAAAA Tyrian shot his dad on the TOILET!

And Brienne and the Hound fought, and I didn’t know who to cheer for, and Arya didn’t kill him when Brienne won, and I don’t know how to feel about it. And now Arya is off to join a cult.

Man, this show loves to toy with our hearts and souls.

Little Worm and the rest of the unsullied – castrated, no? There seems to be a romance brewing here, and I just don’t know where it can lead. Not that sex is everything. But… C’mon.

The Night’s Watch keep calling Stannis “the King”, so I guess they’re keeping that dream alive. *epic eye-roll*

This episode was a bit boring, but then at the end when they were burning the WIldling Captain, and Jon Snow shot him with an arrow so he wouldn’t suffer, I was like, “BOOM, you just been Snowed!”

I liked the opening sequence of young Cersei going to a fortune teller, and she was like, “bitch, your life is gonna SUCK.”

I won’t lie, right now I don’t really care about anything going on except for Arya Stark. Like… maybe it should be the Arya show. Arya: The Teen Years

I love Dany, but I just do not give an eff if the people in that Rando city like her or not. Kill the dude… don’t kill the dude… I don’t care. Do I wish she had NOT killed that one slave guy? Sure, yeah. Is it compelling enough for half an episode. It sure as shit isn’t, Game of Thrones.I DO like that Tyrian is on his way to meet her, though. That’s fun. I really like the Eunuch (Var-something?), and his total boredom over everything.

Ohhhh, Jon Snow for the win. He just won Team Captain of the Night Crawlers, so that’s cool.

Okay, I get it – Dany took over a city and the slaves are free now, and not everyone is happy, and that’s a hard day. But like… why do I care about it? I don’t remember why we should care.

 

 

What in the eff… Arya has gone full cult.

Little Finger is shady as fuck. How many psychopaths is Sansa going to be forced into being engaged to??? RAMSAY BOLTON??? He cut off Theon’s willy! His father murdered Dreamy Rob! This is a bad choice, Sansa. Just say no. My body is conflicted because the actor who plays Ramsay is wildly attractive, and yet his character is an evil wackadoo. Like, I think even Joffrey would be like, “he’s a bit much.”

It is nice to see Sansa at Winterfell, though. ALL I WANT is a Stark reunion. Who’s left – Jon, Sansa, Arya, and the boys. I don’t remember their names. The magic one and the one with no personality. And Theon, I guess. He was raised with them.

Bran! That’s his name. I had to scroll back.

The siblings I want reunited the most is Jon and Arya. Give me that, and I’ll be satisfied with the entire series. He gave her Needle!  Imagine them meeting up and him being like, “sooooo… you’re a murderer now?” and she’ll be all, “thanks for the sword!”

I’m worried for Marjorie. She’s antagonizing Cersei, and you just DON’T DO THAT. How old is Tommen supposed to be? Is she fucking a minor? I mean, he’s ADORABLE, but still… gross. [Liana tells me Tommen is 16] Hmm… borderline pervy? Or full-perv? Meh. I still like her. You do what you gotta do.

How did Tommen end up a total sweetheart, and Joffrey end up a total psycho?

I’m confused about something. I get that Dany is the rightful Queen or whatever, and she’s pissed and wants revenge, so she wants the throne. But…. If she can’t have kids… and she’s the last of her family… then… Who does she think will take over for her? Bitch ain’t gonna live forever.

I know. I KNOW I love her. And I want her to win. I do. But then what? That’s how monarchies work! I don’t make the rules! Or just, like… pass on the title to a worthy successor? Is that allowed? Or hold a vote? Haha, Game of Thrones just ends with all the background characters who survived establishing a democracy.I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it a million more times, Brienne and Podrick are my FAVOURITE.

OMG Jon just beheaded the guy who ran against him and refused an order! WAY HARSH, DUDE! That was crazy pants! And the guy was like, “my bad, that’s on me, please maybe don’t kill me?” And Jon was all, “naw man, I gotta.” DAMN

Also – Sansa just curtsied to Lord Bolton as if he didn’t shove a knife into her dreamy brother. She’s playin’ the game! Get it, girl.

Wait, does Psycho Bolton have a little crush on Sansa!?! What an idiot.

I’m bored with the religious storyline. I don’t care about the robed fanatics. No matter how sexy the Lanister cousin is.

Tyrian – “I’m losing my mind. I can’t remember the last face I saw that wasn’t yours.”Varys – “It’s a perfectly good face.” haha these buds are pretty great.

Oh man, Marjarie’s dad is so cute and naive. He’s for sure going to be murdered, isn’t he?

Wait. When Tommen went to go free Iron Fist from the religious jerks, the crowd was yelling, “abomination”, and “spawn of sin” at him. Is it public knowledge that he’s inbred? hmmm that can’t spell good things for Tommen with these jerks.

Whaaaaaa??? Red just came on to Jon SO HARD – and he was all, “thanks but no thanks, my dick belongs to one lady and one lady only, even though she’s dead.”And Red was all, “cool, no worries,” Then as she was leaving, she turned back and said, “you know nothing, Jon Snow.” So again.. whaaaaaa?? Can Red talk to the dead? I mean, she has shot a murdering ghost-monster out of her vag, so anything’s possible.

I AM UPSET. This show loves to make us like someone and then RIP THEM AWAY. I don’t know if Gray Worm is dead, but the adorable grandpa warrior for sure is. Ugh. So, the jerks with the masks are mad because Dany is changing things? They used to be the Masters? And now they’re killing all of Dany’s people? Building an army, are you, Dany? Or are you WASTING THEM ON THIS RANDO CITY? UGH.

I miss Joffrey. That actor is so, so talented. I hope he continues to act, especially in comedy.

OMG! Ramsay just raped Sansa on their wedding night and made Theon watch! That was fucking crazy!

“You have known Sansa since she was a girl. Now watch as she becomes a woman.”
He gets off on torturing people. Both physically and psychologically.

And THEON, with his tortoured, broken, handsome little face. I felt so bad for him in that moment. JUST THIS ONCE. He’s still the worst (member that time he tried to conquer Winterfell?)

Ugh. This religious storyline is frustrating and tiresome.
And not frustrating in the good way.
I get that it’s a made-up land in a historical time setting – but having the Church arrest Iron Fist for “buggary” is problematic.
And portraying the religious types as fanatic assholes is problematic, too.
Plus, it’s just boring and frustrating, and it feels like plot-filler.
I like the actor of the main priest-dude. And I get that the character THINKS he’s doing good. But really, he’s just being a bigot.

Jamie tired to rescue his daughter-niece from Spain or whatever, and now he’s in a very fancy jail.

And Oberon’s daughters are awesome.

Iron Fist is still in jail, and so is Marjorie for lying. Which the bird-priest basically set her up. He KNEW he had proof from that other guy, and yet he asked her to testify anyway and plagiarize herself.

I love Jamie’s pal. Who used to be Tyrian’s pal. Who should be MY pal.

Welp, it was only a matter of time before the God Squad threw Cersei in jail for being gross. And SHE was the one to put them in power! You don’t put a bunch of fanatic religious types in charge of the law when you yourself continually break their religious law.
YA DUMMY

I am excited about Dany and Tyrian. They just met. That’s neat.

Holy fucking hell
I just spent the last fifteen minutes of this episode saying “oh shit, oh shit, oh shit!”
It was the battle against the dead and the white walkers with Jon Snow and the wildlings
and that awesome chick who we just met, and who I really didn’t want to die, and who obviously immediately died.
And Jon Snow was fighting a White Walker and I’m not sure if the sword he was using was dragon glass, but he was able to kill it.
The Giant Wildling is my favourite part of this season.
He way he fought the dead like a boss, then just casually sauntered into the sea, like ‘fuck this noise, I’m out.”
Love it.

A LOT of people died, and then Jon was on the boat sort of drifting away with some pals, and the White Walker sauntered up and was all, “oh hey, you think you’re winning? Check this shit out.” and then RAISED ALL THE DEAD. And everyone who died stood up and Jon was just like, “fuuuuuuuuck” and then the episode ended.
That was scary, and now it’s bed time. That was poor timing on my part. Maybe I’ll watch something happy before bed. Like… puppy videos. I’ll probably lose a few hours once I get started, but it’s worth it.

Marjorie’s dad just went to the place that Arya is, and Arya is all distracted and following them, watching another dude who’s with them.
I totally forget who the dude is.
Is he on her list?
What’d he do?
Oh, now he’s in a brothel and keeps saying “too young”. Ugh, they brought him a teen, or maybe even younger, like 12-14. He took her away and was like, “you’ll have a fresh one for me tomorrow.”
I truly cannot wait until Arya horribly murders this guy. #Toni’sBloodLust

Mycroft from Sherlock is in this episode! He runs the bank. That’s so perfect.
[Liana tells me the guy killed Arya’s fencing coach, and that’s why she’s following him]
I like how this show just expects us to remember a dude Arya hates from season 1. That’s not even sarcasm. I respect it. They don’t hit us over the head with it. They make us figure it out. They tell the story, and we’re supposed to make something of it.UUUUGGGHHH Stannis is going to kill his fucking daughter, isn’t he?
Legit – his daughter’s relationship with the “Hand of the King” guy is the only thing I care about with his whole plotline.
Stannis can walk off a cliff for all I care, along with his creepy witch lover.
But his daughter is AWESOME. And the Hand fellow (Davos?) who she taught to read is also awesome. And I have a feeling this is going to upset me.

Fucking hell.
Mother fucking bloody hell
They did it.
They fucking BURNED HER ALIVE
Davos is going to be so pissed.
I’m so over Stannis. Someone kill him already.

[Liana reminds me that Davos is the one who saved Gendry]
That’s right! I forgot about that. Sweet, beautiful Gendry. Where you at, my hunky bastard dreamboat??
I want him and Davos to team up! Galant, nobel Davos.
I hope he’s the one to kill Stannis.
IMAGINE???
And then Gendry somehow ends up being King, and Davos is his Hand, and they hold monthly sing-a-longs.

Dany just climbed onto a dragon and took off.
That was fun.
I also like that she’s friends with the old Knight again. He worked REALLY hard for that. He just won the sport fight, then saved her life a bunch. Now they’re besties again, I assume.
Ohhhh I just remembered that he has the rock disease! Ugh. That makes me sad.
I don’t mind her boy toy, but can you imagine going from a fucking Horse King to that guy?
No way.
Horse Lord?
Horse Captain?
Mountie?
What the fuck was he?
Sexy. That’s what. Who cares.So much is happening! I’m not done the season finale yet, but Brienne killed Stannis, and it was so anticlimactic, which pretty much sums up Stannis as a human being. And the Red Witch was just like, “I’ve made a huge mistake. Later gators.”
And the battle was barely anything.

Sansa lit the candle, and it was a SECOND after Brienne and Pod left.
Ugh. And then THEON saved Sansa by throwing that jerk-girl over a wall. Hahah she really plopped.
And then Theon and Sansa JUMPED off a very high wall. I hope the snow was fluffy!!
I really liked them holding hands to do it.Awwwww Varys and Tyrian are the best of friends and it makes my heart sing.
“I did miss you.””Oh, I know.”Oh, and the Spanish lady totally murdered Jamie’s daughter.
I really liked her when we first met her, but now I really don’t.
The Spanish King just wants peace for his people, and she’s determined to go to war.
And she keeps saying how Oberon was “murdered”. He wasn’t murdered. He volunteered for a trial by combat and he lost.
Them’s the breaks, kid,
I do like her horny daughter, though. haha she’s a spitfire.
Anyway, inbred whatsherface is totally dead, and there’s for sure going to be war.
And she was all, “i’m glad you’re my father”, and Jamie was SO HAPPY, and then poof goes any happiness Jamie is allowed to have.Cersei HAD  TO WALK THROUGH THE CITY NAKED!
This is NUTS! SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!
These religious jerk-wads have GOT to go. It’s so frustrating.
I mean, it was awesome to see Cersei get hers, but STILL.