BUCKLE UP! (Get it? Cause the show starts with her on a bus? … nevermind.)
The series began with a snarky lady (after my own heart) on a bus making pals with another woman who apparently wasn’t told she’s in a supernatural show, because she got off the bus to pee, like a freakin’ noob.
This lady’s head is now on a pike! It seemed like our intrepid heroine might meet the same fate (show over, folks), BUT THEN her phone started to sing Happy Birthday (do phones do that? Is this the future? Real question), and she got superpowers I think!
You guys, I’ll tell you right now, I had no sweet clue what in the heck was going on, but I was digging it. Anyway, she fought off the monsters (werewolves? demons? people who don’t moisturize? who even knows), and came sauntering into town to go to a funeral. So far a barrel of laughs.
Let’s meet the characters!
This lady’s name is Gus, and I have no idea if she’s going to be a big character, but I sure hope so! I guess her husband just died, and she is Wynonna’s… aunt? Dunno. What I do know – she is ROCKING those turquoise earrings!
Local sheriff = “local sheriff type”. I would honestly like to see the casting call for this. “Must bumble convincingly.”
Next up is Deputy Marshal Dolls, a sexy, grumpy, sexy cop who talks WAY too close not be a love interest.
I meannnnnnnn c’mon. These two. Ammiright?
Then we’ve got Waverly, Wynonna’s little sister.
This introduction was fun and cute and also CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW SHE OPENED FIRE ON A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT HESITATION??? What if Wynonna hadn’t moved??? The rest of this pilot tried to convince us that Waverly is the nice one. THE NICE ONE.
Oh, and there’s Champ, who I will be honest, does not deserve his own picture. Does he? I don’t know. I guess time will tell. In the remainder of the episode, the fact that Champ was 100% about to cheat on Waverly was never addressed.
This fellow crawled out of a well! Haha, this show is bonkers, and I am DIGGING IT. Now, I know this guy is Doc Holliday because I have been on the internet once or twice, but I do like that the show is making us work for it.
OKAY! Now that everyone has stood up and said 2 things about themselves, we can get to the action! Wynonna went to the bar and found Gus all beat up. Gus then proceeded to do that thing where she’s conscious long enough to impart vital plot information, then promptly passed out.
Turns out some “Revenants” took Waverly, so Wynonna has to meet them at “high noon”, which means two things: 1) they are not very good at giving instructions, and 2) they’re really leaning into this whole western thing. But the biggest takeaway this episode is that this show is not kind to cakes, and it’s upsetting.
Naturally, Wynonna turned to her new close-talking friend for help, but he was all, “naw, I’ll see how this plays out. Later skater.” So she hopped upon her “steed” and set to savin’ her sister.
She defeated them by blowing up her motorcycle! Now that is some outside of the box thinking. Then she shot Eye-Patch, and down he went into the fiery pits of hell. Just some typical back-from-the-dead-because-of-a-curse-bad-guy behaviour. But then one of them was going to shoot the ladies, but HE was shot instead. BY WHO THOUGH?? Perhaps someone… mysterious?
Then Dolls close-talked at Wynonna and asked her to be the Scully to his Mulder, and she said yes, and I guess that’s the premise of the show! Yay!
The pilot revealed the following:
- Wynonna turning 27 is a big deal and phones know this and sing happy birthday at the exact moment your supernatural powers kick in, if you happen to have supernatural powers.
- Revenants apparently collect heads in the same way your aunt collects precious moments figurines.
- Wynonna and Waverly had an older sister named Winnifred or Wendy or something, honestly this is too many W’s, and SHE was supposed to be the star of this show, but she got sucked out a window and is maybe dead now, but maybe not who knows.
- The adorable little psycho sister is also a master researcher, and keeps a creepy board of historical bad guys.
- The Earps are cursed, and every time an “heir” dies, all the douche bags that have ever been killed by Wyatt’s gun resurrect, and they ALL have gross teeth.
- Wynonna shot her dad.
Episode 2 started off very strong with Wynonna being sent into a bar to brutally murder some Revenants “discretely”, and ended up… not doing that.
Deputy-Close-Talker informed her that the government blew up a town for knowing the truth about the supernatural, so MUM’S THE WORD, GIRL!
Then we met a delightful new character whose name is Bobo (of course it is).
One of the Revenants tried to steal Peacemaker, which is the name of Wyatt Earp’s gun. Naming your gun isn’t weird, you guys. Neither is naming each of your calves, so let’s all just relax about people naming their calves, OKAY? Anyway, he couldn’t steal it because, as we learned, Revenants can’t touch it without burn-shaking themselves to death.
This episode also brought us the new character of the aptly named Officer
Hot Hawt Haught.
Doc broke into Waverley’s apartment and stole her list of outlaws, and also some pants, which means the girls have to slumber-party it in their old murder-home, which is covered with a magic revenant-repelling rock. Get ready for pillow fights, ice cream sundaes, rom-coms, and target practice!
Meanwhile, Doc and a strangely sympathetic evil red shirt went to give an offering to a scary shadow so that it’ll kill Wynonna.
But whoopsiedoodle, it’s not Wynonna’s, it’s Waverlys! What followed was a hilarious I Love Lucy style chase where the shadow would be right behind one of them, and then we’d see them running out a door, limbs flailing, and the shadow juuuuuuust missed ‘em! We also learned that Waverly’s imaginary friend Bobo (LIKE THE BAD GUY, YOU GUYS!) told her to bury a magic thing to make the other magic thing not work, and that’s why half their family died. Typical childhood stuff.
So Waverly dug it up, and bingo bango, Weirdly Sympathetic Bad Guy was punted off their land and told to ‘send a message’.
Back at Bad Guy Camp, Doc went ahead and pulled Weirdly Sympathetic Bad Guy “across the line” and watched as he fizzled to death, which let’s be realistic, could NOT have smelled great. Then Bobo was all, “I know where she is,” and Doc was all, “you’re being vague on purpose,” and Bobo was all, “cause we’re only on episode 2.”
In episode 3 we were treated to a Three Stooges-esque trio of Revenants stealing journals and severed hands, which resulted in one of the best lines in the show thus far when Wynonna watched a man get his hand cut off at a transit stop and muttered, “he’s gonna miss his bus.” LOL, show. L.O. freakin’ L.
Turns out these fellows were putting together some Soul-Swap-Stew in order to possess humans and cross the line, and I guess die when they die? That sounds like a terrible plan for immortals, but whatevs, you do you, Revenants!
Wynonna was all, “take my body!” and not in the sexy way. But this lovable barkeep stepped in front of her and sucked that soul right up. Then, because this show doesn’t mess around, she had to shoot him in the head. *sad face*
At the end of this adventure “Henry” came out to Wynonna as Doc Holliday.
What a tricksy scoundrel! I am INVESTED in this fellow’s tale!
What we learned:
- Whatsherface sister didn’t die right away. Instead they tortured her and she “screamed for days”…. So, still alive, we’re thinking?
- Doc is connected to the Stone Witch, who blends into society perfectly in a giant bright pink car. We almost got a glimpse of her after she provided the pot and recipe for the Soul-Swap-Stew, but she didn’t get out. I don’t blame her, the seat warmers were probably on, and maybe her jam was playing.
- Waverley saw Doc being shady and he shot at her. INTRIGUE!
- Champ is a huge douche, a fact we already knew, which was confirmed.
In episode 4, Wynonna was understandably skeptical about her sexy mysterious new pal being the resurrected immortal best friend of her great-grandfather, so she gave him an undeniably fool-proof test; shoot some things!
Yup, he’s Doc Holliday alright! And while he was at it, he told a heartening story about Wyatt Earp, and we got our first glimpse of the man himself!
Wyatt either was NOT getting that Doc was dying, or he just plum didn’t care. Honestly, I’m on Doc’s side on this one! At least shed a tear, WYATT!
This being the gorey, supernatural romp it is, someone was brutally murdered by a mirror, and our favourite Earp Heir was on the case! Turns out one of the Revenants has taken up residence in the mirror-world that probably totally exists and that we are ALL secretly afraid of (don’t pretend with me, you guys, this is a safe space. He likes to cut people’s throats open if they don’t get forgiveness for their sins in the allotted time. CLEARLY this guy doesn’t watch Doctor Phil, because 2 hours is not enough time to properly forgive someone.
Waverley pointed them towards a misogynistic priest, so Wynonna and Dolls went to the trailer park and had a fun, tense chat with Bobo. “The good father doesn’t believe that cleanliness is next to Godliness, so you will find his tent by way of smell.” This show is very funny.
I know this is probably small potatoes for most of you, but I do NOT do well with scary things! I watched this episode right before bed and had to leave a light on (I truly wish I was joking). Ernest Scared Stupid was too much for me, you guys. I faked cramps and left a slumber party because they were going to watch Candyman II; Farewell to the Flesh. And they were going to do a sundae bar after, you guys. I missed out on a SUNDAE BAR. That’s how much of a scardicat I am.
Anyway. This was creepy. That’s all I’m saying. Doc thought so too, so he drew his knife just as Waverley walked in. Whoopsadaisy, now he’s a suspect for murder! This of course means that our two sexy boys get to meet, which was delightful. It went something like this:
“And just who are you?”
“I’m Wynonna’s tough, sexy love interest. Who are you?”
“Why, I do believe that *I* am Wynonna’s tough, sexy love interest.”
“Nuh uh, I am.”
“No sir, it is I.”
I think they may have also talked about murder or something, but who can pay attention! Some other lady died, and guess who the next target is… that’s right, it’s our girl! This lead to a pretty fun sequence of random apologies throughout town (our girl is very comfortable with her sexuality, and it is awesome). Plan A, however, was some kind of magic spell where Dolls tried to Pinocchio the Revenant into a real boy, and it faaaaaaaailed so hard, and Dolls ended up being tasered.
Turns out the Revenant is someone who drowned, so off to the lake they went! And yyyyup, Wynonna ended up with a knife to her throat, trying to figure out who she wronged THE VERY MOST.
That’s right, folks. Waverly wants to be the chosen one. She’s angry at Wynonna for being older than her, which seems unreasonable, maybe? She ever so graciously forgave her, but the Nightmare Factory didn’t care a lick (get it, cause he kept licking his creepy blade…? Ugh. Nevermind) He tried to kill her anyway, but Doc shot is razor away and Wynonna shot him in the head. Yay! Bring on the emotional fallout! Including the REAL last moment between Doc and Wyatt, where they were not very good buds. *sad face*
Guys, I’ve now finished the 4th episode, and I have some thoughts.
- – I’m on board.
- – How long was Doc in a well? Should he be amazed by cellphones and Uber drivers and the way Wynonna’s hair is always so perfectly wavy?
- – Why do the Revenants (which is super annoying to type, seriously, try it) just stand there while Wynonna says something witty before shooting them? Is it the same type of magic that keeps the bad guys in place while Sailor Moon transforms?
- – Do you think Doc and Dolls will be best friends because I WANT IT SO BAD.
Okay, moving on to episode 5. I was wrong about the Weirdly Sympathetic Bad Guy from before. Turns out locking up a Revenant ‘across the line’ doesn’t kill them, it just gives them a case of Deadpool-Face. So he was still alive! And he was BUSY.
Dude chewed off his own gross foot!! Oh man. I hope this guy gets a happy ending, because he has WORKED FOR IT (spoiler – he doesn’t).
Then Wynonna walked in on Dolls working out shirtless and I could not tell you what that scene was about. … sorry what? Oh man. I think I just blacked out thinking about it. Let’s FOCUS, okay guys?
This fellow is a bad guy, that much is obvious, we just don’t know what type of bad guy yet. He’s a judge who approved a search warrant for the trailer park, but they didn’t find anything. Hmmm… curious. They did, however, arrest Bobo for, I dunno, being a dick? This resulted in some fun times – a chat with Waverly and an altercation with Wynonna where he took her gun and didn’t vibrate-burn to death. Bobo is powerful, you guys! Then a lady lawyer came to collect him, and it didn’t take us long to find out who she is.
It’s the Stone Witch! And she is straight up bonkers! I guess there are some dead dudes she wants to bring back, but she needs Bobo’s help, and she also enjoys watching him suck blood off the heel of her stilettos. We are not here to judge.
Meanwhile, Wynonna was kinda-sorta kidnapped by an adorable Revenant who knows Doc.
LOOK AT THOSE TWO! My heart exploded. This reunion was amazing. This fellow knows about a picture that has all 7 of the Revenants who attacked the Earps that fateful eve. In exchange for this information, he’d like them to find his boyfriend. Easy peasy, right? Except…
Yeahhhhh his boyfriend is the Weirdly Sympathetic Bad Guy with Deadpool-Face. So they found him, and the adorable men held each other as Wynonna shot them, and it was very sad.
As they were walking away from this scene, Wynonna and Doc started fighting about morality, which I guess is a turn-on because before we knew it, they were making out! Look, this was great, really, but if I’m being honest all I kept thinking about was how kissing him is just basically sucking on that gross mustache.
It is like smushing your lips against a toilet brush? There’s no way that tastes awesome.
Oh, and the judge (who by the way, is threatening to break up the band), has the creepy picture of the 7 Revs standing around a dead body HANGING IN HIS OFFICE. Don’t advertise how evil you are, man!Also, they’re really working this whole, “sweet little Waverly is secretly angry.” thing. Hey guys, remember when we first met her and she fired a gun THRICE at another human being? The fact that she has secret anger issues is not a very good secret.
Episode 6 brought us some intrigue!! The Revenant of the week was a mother-daughter duo who ran the local diner and also enjoyed munching on some sauteed human flesh (I wonder where you’d find recipes for that?).
It was fun, but that’s not the main takeaway. Our brooding, sexy Deputy Marshal is not all he seems!
Dolls is on some (probably) super secret government drug that turns his eyes all weird! All episode he was experiencing some very inconvenient withdrawal symptoms, which made him snap at Wynonna (and not in the charmingly grumpy way he usually does). It seems the government is cutting him off from the drug because he’s not producing results, so he had to have a clandestine meeting with a very cute nerd-type to get some more.
Dolls! I worry about you!
New Character Alert:
This lady is a blacksmith and also a witch. A witchsmith. A
black witc nope, witchsmith. Definitely witchsmith. Anyway, she knows some stuff, and also helped to “bind” Waverly to the skull that her uncle bequeathed to her in his will, which is a totally normal thing to do. Waverly is now “keeper of the bones,” which is actually pretty exciting. It gives her something to do other than sulk that she’s not ‘the chosen one’. Good for you, girl!
Oh, and worth noting: Wynonna was all, “Let’s just be friends!” and Doc was all, “Suuuuuuuure.”
Episode 7 brought us three storylines: Dolls as a put-upon civil servant, Wynonna’s budding friendship with Hot Cop, and Waverley’s skullheritance. A lot of shit went down, you guys!
Firstly, Dreamboat Dolls was taken away by some government-type extras, and had to justify his existence to a very cranky lady who was probably just upset that Dolls was wearing a shirt.
Dolls, in the absence of any exciting physical evidence, sold out Doc (I think). He said he knows of someone supernatural who isn’t a Revenant or a demon. Sounds like Doc to me! Unless he’s talking about Bonkers Witch, but I can’t remember if Dolls knows about her.
Secondly we have Wynonna, lonely and antsy at the sheriff’s station, striking up a delightfully drunken friendship with our favourite alluring policewoman.
This being a show about literal horrors, though, their fun didn’t last long.
The last Revenant in the picture of the seven seems to be toying with our girl, and it is creepy as shit.
Lastly, Waverley decided to throw an engagement party for some lady we’ve never met, and it went GREAT.
The Stone Witch had gotten the information of who had the skull, so she came a’knockin’ at the Homestead. Not before killing the Witchsmith, though, which was sad. I was looking forward to another awesome lady on this show. ALAS.
Doc, for his part, did NOT heed the Witchsmith’s warning, which resulted in the death of the Blonde Red Shirt, and almost Waverly herself. But don’t worry, Waverly smashed the skull into the side of the shed, Doc shot the Witch, who immediately vamoosed, and everything was fine.
Other burning questions include:
- If Waverley was bound to the skull, what does it mean that it’s now smashed up and laying at the side of a shed? Shouldn’t that have hurt her in some way.
- What’s with the bullet wound in Doc’s shoulder. Is HE bound to Bonkers Witch??
- Was the non-stripper just a human? How’d he get caught up with the Bonkers Witch? And why was he SO BAD at dancing?
- What are the Stone Witch’s sons, exactly?
- What on earth makes Waverly think Doc is in love with Wynonna? How much interaction between these two has she seen? She was all, “you’re in love with her”, and Doc was all, “NUH UH!” and Waverly was all, “you always lie!” and I was all, “it’s episode 7, guys, relax.”
Episode 8 was NOT messing around! If I thought Mr. Mirror Murderer (I love alliterations) was scary, then I sure as shit was not prepared for an episode where women get their organs surgeried out while they WATCH. *long deep breath* I’m upset. This show has upset me.
On the upside:
Purple shirt on the right knows what I’m talking about. Seriously though, this was a very good episode. It took Wynonna out of the picture and forced the rest of the characters to interact without her, which was ELECTRIC. I love our girl, but you know you’re watching a good TV show when your star isn’t on screen and you still care.
And relationships are blossoming!!!! Doc and Dolls are on the road to bestfriendship, Waverley and Doc are solidifying a nice little friendship, and Hot Cop is inching, ever so slowly, closer and closer to Waverly. I must say I’m very glad they didn’t just make Hot Cop a token love interest. She is a real person, with ties to other people (her drunken hang with Wynonna last episode was glorious). I dig it, you guys. Even Bumbling local sheriff is becoming a real boy!
Okay, let’s get to the meat of this episode… (get it? Cause it was about cutting up bodies and removing their… nevermind). It was about a doctor, and not the charming time-traveling kind.
NOPE. This man was very bad, and Wynonna ain’t no fool! She called him out right quick, and he was like, “don’t worry babe, just gonna carve you up, no big.” Then, in a truly psychologically disturbing scene, we saw the insides of that girl we all remember as “glorified trailer park extra”.
I AM UPSET. Excuse me for about nineteen days, because I’ve come down with a serious case of heebeejeebeeitis, and it can only be cured with ice cream and Korean game shows. I mean, COME ON, that was uncomfortable.
Meanwhile, the Dude Detective Duo Dolls and Doc (I will run wild with alliterations if left unchecked), interviewed Hot Cop, who in a rare treat had her hair down, and she sniffed them some clues that lead to some guy who knows where the entrance for the… something… tunnels? And he wouldn’t give them the information unless they fought because… who cares how these boys got into a ring together, what matters is that it happened, and it was beautiful.
On an emotional level. Doc found out about Dolls selling him out to the government and was able to vent his frustrations in the ring. Very therapeutic!
Dolls pretended to be dead to end the fight, Doc got the info they needed, and away they went! Meanwhile, it was revealed that Creepy Guy #1 wasn’t the Revenant, it was in fact Creepy Guy #2!
Being unable to move as someone does something to you is everyone’s worst nightmare, and this was truly disturbing to watch. ANYWAY – Creepy Guy #2 gave us some pretty neat info – apparently Mr. Earp had an alliance with Bobo. THE PLOT THICKENS! Then the daring duo rushed in just in the nick of time.
They handed Wynonna her gun and were like, “do your thing, girl.” I loved this. They stayed behind to chit chat about their relationship while she went and took care of business. It was truly marvelous. I can see why you people love this show so much!
In the end, Creepy Guy #2 got sucked back to hell, Dolls and Doc are basically in love, and Dolls decided to lie to the government about Doc’s immortality. BUT, he showed them Fight Arena Guy, so the black badge division is still in business, aaaaaaaand all seven of the gang who attacked the Homestead are taken care of.
This ending was far too happy for anything good to be coming. WHO’S PUMPED?? Oh right, you’ve all already seen this show. Well…. I’M pumped!
- Doc trying to figure out how to drive was DELIGHTFUL. “Never touch my stuff.” hahaha Those two. I think I ship it! #XaviDoc? #Docolls? #Docavier?
- Fake Doctor cutting Wynonna’s toe with pliers while she pretended it didn’t hurt will HAUNT MY DREAMS FOREVER. *shivers*
- Creepy Guy #2 put on a little show before he fell into the fiery pits, complete with a fake accent. What was that about? NO DON’T TELL ME. But seriously, I’m so curious. NO DON’T!
Episode nine cooled it on the scary stuff and focused more on the characters, and I loved it. Don’t get me wrong, I love the action, but too many terrifying episodes in a row will burn us out. Every so often it’s good to check in with our pals, who quite frankly, have been through some shit lately.
Which is why Wynonna had to go through a psych evaluation with a lady who was basically like, “Wynonna, do you think you’re the worst? In 500 words or less, please tell me exactly how truly terrible you are as a human being.”
Wynonna was bummed that Dolls didn’t stop it, and Dolls was bummed that Wynonna was bummed, so everyone was bummed.
Meanwhile, in a very underwhelming display of ‘poof’ magic, the Stone Witch was like, “let’s just consolidate” and resurrected one of her sons with the bones of the other one. It was real mixed bag… he he. And he was… just a normal dude who maybe had a bad spa experience?
I don’t know, you guys, this whole thing felt really built up over nothing. How many episodes has this lady been trying to get “her boys” back? And she just whips him right up, then he’s dead again before they can even do some sort of ‘welcome back’ virgin sacrifice.
Good question, Nameless Glorified Extra… good question. ANYWAY, since Wynonna was having a rough (one might even say post-traumatic) day, she decided to make herself feel better with some sexy times with everyone’s favourite immortal scoundrel.
Interruptus, ammiright? Just to sum-up: in the middle of having sex with Wynonna, Doc stops to mention that the Stone Witch is in agony, and he’s super pumped about it. Very good. Okay. So they went to go get her, scooped her up off the road, then buried her in a salt field for all her magic to be slurped right up.
She DID inform us of a “lead” that Bobo needs to get out of the triangle, so I guess that was worth this whole storyline? She gets out, right? She has to get out. Right?
Also not having a great day was Waverly, because Gus was going to sell the bar, which reminded me that Gus is a character on this show. I 100% forgot about her, but more importantly, her turquoise earrings. Sorry Gus, won’t happen again (it probably will). The whole ordeal made Waverly seriously consider what she really truly super duper desires, and guess what it was?
YAYYYY!!!! These ladies have a shipper name, right? Is it HaughtWave? Please tell me it’s HaughtWave. (You know, like heat wa- NEVERMIND.)
We then learned that Dolls faked a make-up exam for Wynonna’s broken mind, and she “passed”. That seems like a terrible idea, but awwwwwwwww! Oh, and guess who bought the bar?
- Guys, the Stone Witch comes back, right? She has to. Right? Don’t tell me!
I finished episode ten, and I DESERVE SEVENTEEN MEDALS because I totally called it, you guys! Willa is aliiiiiiiiive! Did everyone call it? Did everyone get seventeen medals? Oh man. My neck hurts! These medals were a bad idea.
The episode began with Team Sexy Good Guys (we’ll workshop that), cleverly bugging the bar so they could listen to the Gross Teeth Bad Guys talk about bad things. And what DID the bad guys talk about? Why, a woman’s sex life, of course!
WHY DO ANY OF THESE MEN THINK IT’S THEIR RIGHT TO JUDGE WHAT A WOMAN DOES WITH HER BODY? Harumph. Oh, and some guy came in talking about a Revenant named Lou who is apparently very scary. Pretty soon Wynonna and Dolls were on their way to the woods for a fun adventure with a supernatural cult!
This show is 110% bonkers. I am wildly in love. OF COURSE she steps through a hovering light and stumbles upon a supernatural cult in the middle of the woods. OF COURSE SHE WOULD. Man, I am enjoying myself, you guys.
Anyway, she and Dolls reunited, escaped, got separated, reunited again, then returned to the cult to save everyone. It was a busy day.
While Wynonna was struggling with this bear-woman (hahahahhahahahah I love this show), one of the “hippy chicks”, Eve, picked up the gun to shoot Lou. And guess what? Lou was sucked to hell!!
Yes. You are. Gus confirmed it in the closing moments of the episode where she walked outside and practically clutched her turquoise earrings and exclaimed, “Willa!”
In an unrelated storyline, Wynonna gave the Stone Witch’s car to Doc and they shared a cute moment that made me wonder if I should be creeped out by their relationship. He is VERY OLD and VERY SEXY, and it is confusing my ovaries! Anyway, he used the car to leave forever (LOL). Suuuuuuure, Doc. I’ll bet all of my seventeen medals that we’ll be seeing your sexy face under that gross mustache no later than next episode.
- Bobo can Carrie things with his mind, and he stole Waverly’s (Willa’s) necklace. What’s THAT about? Oh, and he told Doll’s Revenant toy to narc on Lou, Did he… does he WANT Willa back in the picture? Did he know she was there? Or did he just want Wynonna to go kill Lou? THIS SHOW HAS SUCKED ME IN SO HARD YOU GUYS.
Wowzers! Episode eleven was NOT what I was expecting! Willa went from meek, confused hippy chick to bloodthirsty shit disturber in less time it takes me to pick out an outfit in the morning that says, “I’m a human being but maybe also a garbage heap.” You guys, is Willa maybe… the worst? Am I a terrible person for thinking that? I mean, girl has been through some shit. Still though… she’s the worst, right? In the best way, obviously.
Yup, that’s Willa! Science confirmed it! The girls went on a tour of her old room, where Willa was confused about why she would own a switchblade, and Waverly was all, “can we focus on how you tortured me as a child, please?” What a fun dynamic!
Meanwhile, Bad Guy Judge gave Bobo some crystallized ooze, then they talked about party planning, but it never came up again, so I assume this is set up for a future episode.
In a weird moment, Waverly showed Willa some kind of death box, then told a charming story about her funeral.
Willa tried to touch Waverly (after slinging some sass), but Waverly wasn’t having it, and Willa ran off. Naturally, they found her at the bar getting drunk and belligerent.
She shot a Revenant in the middle of the bar! And he was sucked into hell while half the town watched! And it turned into a bar fight! What a wacky situation! They vamoosed and Willa immediately started trying to turn Wynonna against Dolls (back off, lady!), and THEN tried to shut out Waverly. Is Willa trying to isolate Wynonna? Is she some kind of manipulative nutjob? Was she already this way before she was taken? SO MANY QUESTIONS THIS SHOW HAS GOT ME HOOKED.
Then some military dudes attacked the Homestead and were thwarted by sheer awesomeness, but one of them got away, and Willa wanted to go after him.
Willa did not give an eff that her sister had been shot. Not one single eff. They went chasing after the last gunman and who should save Willa from being shot? BOBO! The plot, she does a’thicken’!
THIS SHOW! Hahaha… I love it. This fellow:
- Knew who Doc was
- Railed against kids today with their iPhones and their netpicks
- Had both Doc’s deputy badge that Wyatt gave him, and hot chocolate
- Gave Doc a pep talk about not leaving, like a gym teacher who gets too emotionally invested in his students
- Has “associates”
COLOUR ME INTRIGUED. Anyway, his pep talk worked, and Doc was on his way back to town, but then he was conked on the head and dragged away.
It should be noted (I guess) that there were some kind of vampire/succubus/metalica groupies who ate some dudes, killed a man by biting off his wiener, tried to seduce Dolls (WHO WOULDN’T), and then were shot by Wynonna. It was fun, but it didn’t even feel like the B plot for this episode, so NO PICTURES FOR YOU, HUSSIES (although I applaud you for embracing your sexuality, you do you, ladies!).
Also, the best line of the episode: “I really need to start drinkin’ less. Or much, much more.” Haha, Doc is delightful.
There was a lot going on in episode 12, so let’s talk about it! The ladies tortured Doll’s Revenant Play Toy and found out a couple of years ago there was a “surge” through the triangle. Probably nothing, right? Then, in what has now become known as “classic Willa”, she took the gun and shot him to hell. Goodbye Black Badge support! This was never actually addressed in the episode, but I’m going to assume that’ll mean trouble with Doll’s grumpy bosses.
Wynonna and Dolls tracked the soldiers from last episode down and “interrogated” them about the shooting, which resulted in our team now knowing Bad Guy Judge tried to have them killed.
Oh nooooooooooo!!! The gun didn’t work properly! Is it only going to work for stupid Willa now? Ugh. Willa is the worst. Speaking of, she caught HaughtWave making out in the barn and we learned that Waverly and Willa have beef. I cannot stress enough how much I love that Willa isn’t some perfect savior/sympathetic victim. Making her terrible is wildly more interesting than any storyline I assumed she would lead. High five, show. High fricken five.
Bobo Del Ray seemed very friendly with our new Earp addition. What is even happening???
Then we learned who took Doc.
This guy took Doc just for funsies to play with while taking breaks from creating some sort of poison that makes people go crazy and self-mutilate / kill themselves. So, just a great time all around.
Waverly and Willa found her old diggs and she took us on a trip to flashback land.
The Stone Witch set Willa free and wiped her memories! Now… huh? So, when Wynonna and Doc buried her in the salt, she didn’t think to divulge this information? I feel like someone as desperate as her would have used that to gain her freedom. Oh, and we also learned that Papa Earp made a deal with Bobo to walk him across the line, and that’s how the curse is broken. How did we know an heir has to walk with them? Why, because of a hidden letter, of course! Wyatt wrote to a dear dear favourite confidant named Robert about everything. BUT WHO COULD IT BEEEEEEE?
Meanwhile Dolls and Wynonna found Bad Guy Judge about to kill himself, and he told them about the party Bobo is throwing. You know what THAT means!
You know that moment in every rom com/tv show/lonely fantasy where the two will-they-won’t-theys see each other all dressed up for the first time… yeahhhh… that’s a cliche for a reason. I won’t lie, you guys, I was swooning. *deep breath* What were we talking about? Oh, right, the party. Willa seemed SUPER into just chilling out, maxing, relaxing all cool. Revenants Schmevenants, right? YOLO.
Since Wynonna believed she “isn’t the true heir”, she was all, “I’m worthless now,” and Dolls was all, “Nuh uh,” and then they SMOOCHED.
That thing where two people kiss and then they come apart and you see a third person watching all butt-hurt is ALSO a cliche for a reason. Poor Doc! Once he had picked up his mangled heart off the ground, he informed them that the ‘bubbly’ is poison, and everything sucks now. And low and behold, everything sucked! Bobo announced that the way to get the antidote was to turn in Wynonna “dead or alive”, and then peaced out WITH WILLA, who was all, “ohhhhhh right! I’m a bad guy? Right, right, yeah, totally forgot about that. Anyway, let’s jet, ROBERT.”
And then the episode ended! Man oh man, can you guys imagine if we had to watch this show week-to-week like some kind of 90s caveman? Oh… you guys DID? Huh. Sorry. I wrote this recap and then IMMEDIATELY cued up the next episode. IMMEDIATELY.
WHOOOOOO LAWDY! Now THAT is a season finale. Season big bad? Dead. Bigger Big Bad? Introduced. Twist and turns? The twistiest and turniest! Waverly isn’t an Earp! Bobo and Willa were in gross love together! Doll’s medicine makes him werewolf adjacent! The Sheriff isn’t actually bumbling! WHAAAAAAT? Let’s get into it!
In order to get her out of the clutches of a raging fancy mob, Dolls and Doc threw Wynonna out a window. Haha, we are already having a good time, you know what I mean?
Then we caught up with Bobo and Willa, and it was UNCOMFORTABLE.
I’m just not okay with it! I’m not sure what makes this any different than Doc and Wynonna, but it JUST IS, OKAY? Willa was 13 when he… you know what? You know why it’s creepy. Let’s not get into it. Anyway, they tried to cross the line, but it didn’t work without the gun, so Willa went back into town to find it.
Wynonna went home and found herself in a vulnerable position with a poisoned townie, but Willa “saved” her, and was all, “so, Peacemaker…?” and Wynonna was like, “Waverly was kidnapped,” and Willa was like, “cool, and Peacemaker…?” Hahahaha, girl just does not give an EFF! After “saving” Waverly from a barely-conscious prom queen, Waverly admitted to taking Peacemaker.
What followed was a VERY stressful scene where Willa came out as being THE WORST, and threatened to shoot Hot Cop if Wynonna didn’t give her the gun. So of course Wynonna did and Willa shot Hot Cop anyway, and there was SO MUCH screaming coming from my apartment that I’m surprised the real cops didn’t show up. How dare she! How VERY DARE SHE. But don’t worry guys (you’re not worried, I know, you’ve seen it), Hot Cop was wearing a vest. Everything is okay. HaughtWave is OKAY. Oh, and Wynonna knows now. That was nice.
On their way out they were besieged by foaming townsfolk, but guess who talked them all down in a rousing LOST-esque speech… why, it was the not-so-bumbling-sheriff! You go, Nedley!
Meanwhile the boys teamed up to take care of the townsfolk, and find the Revenants, who are most certainly getting into trouble. There was a beautiful moment where Doc told Hot Cop everything (I thought she already knew everything because of Waverly, but I was mistaken). Then Dolls was wounded in the scuffle at the bar, so Doc gave him some of his super juice.
I guess being hopped up on military grade super-drugs is a real confidence booster, because Dolls popped back into the bar and TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS. And now the boys are best friends and it is everything my heart has ever needed. “You should have seen your boy shoot earlier. Not bad.” – “ME? This one tossed Big Steve through the window.” The thought of this friendship will keep me warm at night. I no longer need junk food to fill my emotional void, because this friendship has satisfied everything I need. Everything.
Waverly went to confront her childhood pal Bobo and got his side of the weird (still creepy) story, and we almost felt sympathy for Bobo. Almost.
After a sexy pep-talk from Doc, he and Wynonna went to the Act 3 set to stop Willa from crossing the triangle border. Wynonna pulled a fun trick with a grenade (get it… PULLED? he he…) that knocked out both Doc and Bobo, leaving only the Earp sisters to face off.
Willa was all, “I’m the worst, and I want to watch the world burn, and also maybe there’s more mystery to my storyline, who knows, oh, and this is all for you, maybe? I obviously don’t really love Bobo, because he’s dying and I don’t really care. What else? Oh yeah, our dad beat our mom.”
THEN A GIANT SNAKE TRIED TO KILL HER. Sure, Dolls shot her first (while she was trying and failing to shoot Wynonna), but still, it wasn’t Dolls bullet or the GIANT SNAKE that killed Willa, it was a shot through the head from Peacemaker by Wynonna.
Because Dolls wasn’t supposed to interfere, he was taken away with Bobo in the back of the truck, which made me VERY UPSET. He better be back next season, or I will have to start eating my feelings again. Anyway, Wynonna was all, “efffffffff this”, and shot Bobo just after they crossed the line. And Dolls gave her this look like, “you do you, girl.”
Also… did the military lady say she was going to blow up Purgatory? That feels a little more urgent than whatever else is going on.
Anyway, after all is said and done, look who shows up to drop cryptic truth missiles:
So the triangle isn’t just a prison, it’s also a haven for other supernatural creatures. Awesome. Seriously. Very pumped.
In the closing moments of the episode, Waverly touched some black goo (amateur move, girl!) and turned all Courtney Love, then pulled a gun on Wynonna!
Cliffhanger. Ballsy move, show.
And that is that! What a fun, sometimes terrifying ride!
END OF SEASON STUFF
- “You pocketed my drugs.” — “I brought your drugs. You are the laziest junkie I have ever met.” Hahaha, Doc, never change.
- What is the DEAL with Black Badge? Aren’t they supposed to be good guys? Why were they just going to let all the bad shit happen???
- Were the secret of the ooze crystals the cure? I’m confused about that.
- Is season 2 just going to be our girl in hour-long therapy sessions, because DAMN, that is some psychologically damaging shit she just went through!
- Is there a point to Gus? Someone please tell me. You can’t say turquoise earrings.
- You guys, do I… do I love the bumbling sheriff? I’m not sure when it started, but yeah… I think I do!
- Is the Stone Witch going to come back? Seriously. Her story was a lot of build-up with little-to-no pay off, so I sincerely hope to see her again in season 2.
- Was anyone else sad to see Bobo go? I was looking forward to that moment when the first bad guy turns into an ally to defeat the bigger bad guy. You know what I’m talking about. And there were so many avenues to explore! I feel like Bobo got killed off just when he started to get interesting. Telekinesis? WHY?? And his relationship with Wyatt? His connection to the Mystery Man? There are so many things the show could have explored with his character! OR WAIT – is his death a fake out? Does he return somehow? DON’T TELL ME! But seriously, does he? NO DON’T!
- If Willa was killed by Peacemaker, does that mean she’d be a Revenant if Wynonna should ever die (not that that would happen – RIGHT SHOW???)
- So. Giant Snake Monster, huh? That’s sure something.
Okay that’s it from me! See you guys for Season 2! Drive safe!
[Originally Posted June 2018 on tv.com]