Hey guys! Remember that time I photo recapped the first 5 episodes of Chilling Adventures of Sabrina? Well as it turns out, there are 5 more!
Episode 6 was very very scary, and now I have to watch 17 Disney movies before I can go to sleep, but all I want to do is watch the next episode, but it’s late and how dare you, SHOW!.
You guys, a little something about me – sometimes (with alarming frequency), I’ll put bread in the toaster then go about my business and when the toast pops I jump and scream, “JESUS MOTHER OF-” and then I get the peanut butter. What I’m saying is, I’m a very jumpy person. I could never be a ninja.
This episode made me jump and yell a lot. A LOT. These kids were VERY COOL about being haunted by a creepy uncle demon. Like… way too cool. I have never understood the trope of seeing something terrifying that no one else can see, and then they ask you what’s up, and you’re all, “nothing… no, it’s, um… it’s nothing.” Look, I get it, they don’t want to seem bonkers. If that were me, I’d be like, “THERE IS AN UNCLE DEMON BEING MEAN TO ME GET ME THE EFF OUT OF HERE BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL I COMPEL YOU!”
But I’m getting ahead of myself. The episode began with some tea spilling that smelled an awfully lot like bullshit.
Ms. Fakewell pulled a very convincing falsehood out of her arse; that Sabrina’s dad asked her (a fellow witch) to watch over and protect Sabrina, for no apparent reason. Sabrina was understandably peeved, but still fell for it.
Demon Uncle Jesse showed up to tell all of Sabrina’s friends how shitty they are as people. Harvey is a coward, Roz is going blind because she doesn’t have faith, and Suzi is an abomination for dressing like a boy.
Sadly, when they told Sabrina about it, she had to be a dink and gaslight her pals.
Sweet doofus Harvey seemed especially hurt that Sabrina seemed to not believe them, and this gave me a sad face.
She told her aunts about Demon Uncle Jesse , and they were all, “yeah, AND?” but they gave her enough info to know that all her pals were in danger, which inspired her to astral project in order to make his acquaintance.
He didn’t seem game for negotiation, and in fact tried to acid-barf all over her. Then he almost choked her to death using high demon magic, so My Crush Ambrose woke her up. The clues the demon revealed to her lead to the mines, so off she and Harvey (who felt he had something to prove *intense sad face*) went.
Ms. Fakewell followed Sabrina to the mines like a wiley little gremlin and spied the trapping stone that Sabrina had found. You could almost see her evil mind wheels a turnin’.
Meanwhile, Harvey saw “some rocks” and freaked out, but Sabrina was all, “no worries babe, it’s just some rocks,” and Harvey was all, “you’re right, it was just some rocks, haha, well if there’s isn’t egg on my face, stupid rocks, haha.”
Just some TERRIFYING ROCKS IN THE SHAPE OF THE ACTUAL DEVIL, my sweet holy hell if I saw something like that ANYWHERE I would be a screaming snotty mess.
Sabrina asked the High Priest of Snobbery about how to get rid of Demon Uncle Jesse, and he did not care even a little bit. He told her anyone who had touched him would die next, which is half our principle cast, so naturally Sabrina had to perform an exorcism. And look who just happens to have the blueprints for such a task…
Ms. Fakewell claimed to have plans written by Sabrina’s dad (likely story), so they (along with Hilda) went to Suzi’s house while Zelda stayed behind to pout in protest.
This scene was very cool! The ladies chanted away while Demon Uncle Jesse writhed threateningly, then Zelda burst in to help and they kicked that Demon right out of there! Lots of great character moments here, and lots of great relationship moments. Zelda, Hilda and Sabrina, and the understanding that family always has your back. Even Ms. Fakewell looked touched to be thanked by our girl, which YOU KNOW made me tingle all over because it is my ABSOLUTE FAVOURITE when bad guys team up with the heroes and then become eventual reluctant heroes themselves. I know I’m premature on this, but I want it so bad.
Anyway, the High Priest of Party Pooping threatened to excommunicate them for doing an exorcism, but then Zelda was like, “you want your twins to exist?” and he was like, “never mind, as you were.”
Sabrina found out that For Real Uncle Jesse died of “heart failure” and went to visit Suzi who was wearing a dress because she doesn’t want to be an “abomination”. *VERY INTENSE FROWN*
The ending moment of the episode was a nice book-end to the beginning, with Sabrina and Ms. Fakewell and some tea spilling. Sabrina admitted that she wants to outwit the Actual Devil, while the entire audience screamed at her to SHUT THE HELL UP.
Also worth noting, Ms. Fakewell killed For Real Uncle Jesse! And she set it all up in the first place so that Sabrina would perform an exorcism, because the Actual Devil wanted her to. AHHHHHHHH!!!! I’m going to have to wait longer than I thought to get a legit team-up between these two ladies. I won’t give up, though.
- I could not handle the fact that the demon’s name was Uncle Jesse. Show based on a 90s show trolling another 90s show. *slow clap*
- Harvey was wearing a crop-top sweater to bed, and all I could think about was how proud Tan France would be.
- Another The 100 alumni playing Doctor Cee! Alessandro Juliani (aka My Boyfriend Sinclair).
- On that note, Helda is now working at his book store, and slipped some sort of love potion to My Crush Ambrose’s crush Luke’s coffee. (We still think he’s the witch hunter, right? Yeahhhh… he’s totally the witch hunter).
- “Mephistopheles save us from the melodramatics of a teenage witch.” Every word that oozes out of Zelda’s mouth is laced with sass and I LOVE IT.
- Nick put in his application to be Sabrina’s boyfriend # 2. Hahaha, the guy has chutzpah!
Episode 7 has made me simultaneously so happy and so anxious. Firstly, it was a team-up featuring Prudence and Sabrina, each getting to the crux of their beliefs, and finding some common ground (AIR FIST PUMP), but then the episode ended with the Kinkle boys in peril, and I JUST CAN’T.
Do I believe that Harvey will die? No. Am I scared for his precious, sweet, sweet older brother Tommy? YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM, you guys!
The Aunts and My Crush Ambrose explained to Sabrina that their family has been selected as a tribute for The Feast of Grossness, because one time some witch sacrificed herself to be eaten, and the rest of the witches were like, “hmmm, yum, let’s do this more often!”
One member of each selected family will be put in the lottery to be eenie-meenie-miny-moed, and if they’re chosen, they’ll be eaten. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sabrina wanted to stick it to them, so she publicly volunteered in the hopes that Zelda would put a stop to it, but NOPE, the ritual went ahead, and look who was chosen…
Prudence is the winner! The red smoke from Sabrina’s ballot means that she is the “handmaiden”, so she has to be Prudence’s bitch until she’s eaten.
Meanwhile, Ms. Fakewell (for perfectly legitimate, teacher-y reasons) gave an assignment to her students to look into their family history.
As it turns out, Harvey’s ancestors murdered a bunch of witches and stole their land, and that is how they came to own the mines. I’m sure this won’t come up again!
Other family tidbits; Suzi has a badass ancestor who dressed like a man in the olden-days of yore, and helped witches. Good. This is very good. Also:
Roz’s awesome gramma has a “cunning” that allows her to see prophetic visions! And it’s the product of a curse that makes all the women in their family go blind! And Roz has it too! Yayyyyyyy! This is truly an awesome development.
Meanwhile, Prudence showed up at Sabrina’s house in order to be pampered, and it was everything I hoped and dreamed it would be.
BAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHHA of course Prudence insisted on an orgy before being eaten to death. OF COURSE she did. Everything about this scene was hilarious, including how uncomfortable it made Sabrina.
In an attempt to make Prudence see what a gift life is, Sabrina took her to high school (LOL), where she met Sabrina’s friends and learned all about Harvey’s family history (which I’m sure is fine). But more importantly, she ALSO met…
They explained their current predicament, and so Ms. Fakewell took them all into the woods to meet another witch who had fled the Yucky Meal of Yuckness.
All this was to prove that High Priests are not infallible, and can be corrupted by their human nature, and maybe it’s NOT the Actual Devil who wants Prudence as a Human Sacrifice Queen. Then they ran into the Kinkle hunting party, who shot and killed a deer familiar, but I’m sure that won’t come up again.
Meanwhile, Zelda got a visitor in the form of a hysterical pregnant Witch First Lady, who was ranting about wanting to take Prudence out. This got Sabrina a’thinkin that perhaps Prudence’s “win” wasn’t unholy intervention at all. So a truth cake was made!
This was awesome. The truth cake revealed that Witch First Lady rigged the choosing, and that the High Priest of Slutting Around is Prudence’s bio dad! Sabrina used this to make him promise to stop the Dinner of Disgustingness, and all was well!
Wellllllllllllllll, maybe not exactly. This lady was very upset that the festivities were being called off, so she slit her own throat to be feasted on. And those witches ate her right up! They didn’t even cook her! Or like… slice or dice her! They just got right in there!
Aaaaaaanyway, bottom line, Prudence now owes Sabrina her life, and I cannot WAIT for the moment she tells her that the High Priest of Bullshit ordered her harrowing. I love this development so much.
They murdered some dolls that looked remarkably like the Kinkle boys! I am very worried for our darling Tommy, and now I am UPSET. On top of that, what will this do to the budding Prubrina friendship?? There’s no way Sabrina will believe Prudence didn’t have anything to do with it.
- Hilda’s love potion must have worked because My Crush Ambrose and his crush Luke seem to be very cuddly. He’s the witch hunter, right? Yeahhhhhhh, he is. Right?
- When Sabrina asked Aunt Zelda if she would have allowed the feast to happen if Sabrina had been chosen, and Zelda replied with, “never,” my heart EXPLODED and now my heart-guts are all over the walls of my apartment, so THANKS, SHOW.
- Principal Hawthorn has the hots for Ms. Fakewell. Because of course he does.
- The warlock murder victim’s parents committed suicide. INTRIGUE!
- Did Ms. Fakewell eat a pizza delivery guy???
- Michael Hogan as Grampa Kinkle, because I guess the show just didn’t have enough TV legends (love this guy).
Whoa. Episode 8 was a ride, you guys. A very sad, creepy, exciting, and at times sort of charming ride.
There was an “accident” at the mines that our lovable doofus Harvey made it out of (thanks to a protection spell by Sabrina), but that our sweet darling Tommy did not.
Daddy Kinkle just did not give a HOOT that his oldest son was dead. Not one single hoot. His #1 concern was the mines and the insurance money he’ll get for the collapse (and his son’s death?) Harvey called him out on it pretty hard at the funeral, which made his dad almost beat him in front of everyone, but guess who stopped him… ZELDA. You guys, is Zelda becoming my low-key favourite? There’s something about a cold, seemingly emotionless person genuinely caring about people that just GETS ME IN THE FEELINGS, and Zelda is hitting the sponge-cake that serves as my heart REAL HARD.
Anyway, Sabrina was considering the possibility of necromancy, so she once again went to a very trustworthy, reliable source of information and guidance.
This was hilarious. Michelle Gomez is a Goddess. She was all, “you shouldn’t do it, but if you DO, here is the exact place where the instructions are, the key is under the mat, and also don’t forget to drain your victim of ALL blood, eat a good dinner first, and remember to enunciate, k? But don’t do it.”
Meanwhile, Roz’s “cunning” is starting to come in handy! When she picked up Tommy’s hat, she saw a vision of Dorcus and Agatha being murder-witches.
Roz shared this information (with the detail that there was only TWO girls in the vision) with Sabrina, who instantly went to her new best friend Prudence (yes, yes, yes!!!). Since Sabrina had spent the episode noodling on how to bring Tommy back from the dead (because WHO WOULDN’T), she had all the necessary recipes, ingredients and tools to do a resurrection. She just needed a pal to murder a little.
SABRINA SLIT SOMEONE’S THROAT!!! Sure, she had every intention of bringing her back to life, but this was still very dark. Our girl is a-changin’, and I dig it. My Crush Ambrose, however, does NOT.
He was very upset about this development, and the fact that Sabrina thinks she can cheat her way through dark magic, which… yeah, that seems like something that could create a new Big Bad. Sounds like a good time to me!
Sabrina whittled away the day, watching the clock, but was disappointed when she went to the effigy to find some uninhabited overalls. But then she learned (from My Crush Ambrose) that the soul returns to the body, not the effigy, just in time for the Kinkle men to get a late night visitor with a VERY rhythmic knock.
WHAT IS OUR SWEET PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL TOMMY? Like seriously… what IS he? Sabrina cheated on the resurrection, so does that mean Tommy will be a bit off? Will he be A LOT off? I am VERY ANXIOUS, you guys!
- Tommy’s dream is that Harvey’s dreams come true. MY HEART SIMPLY CANNOT.
- Suzi’s badass ancestor ghost tells her to do brave stuff and calls her a “good boy”, and it’s making Suzi happy, so it’s making me happy.
- Related – I love that this show is treating its side-characters with such respect. They’re not just generic mortal friends. They’re fleshed-out (pun intended) three dimensional people with woes and dreams and a smidge of the supernatural.
- Speaking of Sabrina’s friends – I am VERY glad my fears from last episode were unfounded, and that our girl never suspected Prudence of conspiring with her sisters.
- We now know how Hilda keeps resurrecting! They have a magic garden that raises the dead!
- Zelda and the High Priest of Smuttery are having sexy wrestling matches! And Ambrose is going to be his assistant at the Evil School of Evilness! The entire family is getting very embroiled in the High Priest’s business.
- Agatha said “blood must have blood” straight to Tati Gabrielle, and I’m choosing to believe that was on purpose.
Episode 9 was not messing around! My eyes are still leaking.
The basic theme of the episode was everyone pretending everything was great when everything was not great, starting with a visit to the Kinkle residence.
So Tommy came back, and he’s not a monster, but he’s also not quite Tommy. And he’s not the only one the resurrection was affecting. Agatha had a bad case of the dirt-pukes, and it was not looking great.
Nick came to Sabrina via astral projection and told her what’s up, and she basically shrugged and was like, “So?” Haha, girl does NOT want to admit that the resurrection wasn’t a raging success.
Poor Tommy. He wasn’t eating because he had already snacked on some of his old pals down in the mines. Can you blame him? Coming back from the dead is sure to create an appetite.
After Suzi had a fun whispered chat with her dead aunt, she popped to the bookstore to steal a Virginia Wolf novel (oh youths!). She ran into some bullies, but luckily Hilda was there to FREAKING OWN THEM. This was so awesome. She spilled all their beans and it was the most perfect bully-owning I’ve ever seen on a TV show, with the correct amount of sympathy for what made them that way, while also being stern about their behaviour.
Then she got a fun call about a dying teen and hurried off to the academy.
Things are not looking good for Agatha while Husk of Tommy is still going around existing.
Meanwhile, Sabrina enlisted the help of Roz to hopefully force a vision to get some clues as to what the heck was wrong with Shell Tommy.
WHAT DOES IT MEANNNNNN??? Sabrina was very old and very dead and she had a noose around her neck! That is disconcerting for all parties. Roz seemed pretty cagey about it, and didn’t tell her, because these kids are WAY TOO COOL WITH EVERYTHING THAT’S HAPPENING.
Agatha crashed choir practice to complain about being a reanimated corpse, and thus the beans were spilled about all of their late-night activities. The others totally threw Sabrina under the bus, but I didn’t really blame them. She was the mastermind, and they’re not best friends YET.
This lead to a Sabrina vs. Zelda fight that was typical of a teenager where she yelled that Zelda isn’t her real mom, and it hurt me more than I ever expected a show based on a 90s sitcom to hurt me. Speaking of familial disagreements…
At this point I was like, “YES! Kill the asshole dad so that Tommy can live and the soul debt is repaid and Agatha will get better! This is the perfect solution!” This show has made me bloodthirsty.
Anyway, Harvey stopped Tommy from killing their asshole dad (*grumpy face*), so Sabrina had no choice but to go into Purgatory and pull Tommy’s soul out and pop him back into his body.
She once again went to the most trustworthy source she knows; Ms. Fakewell.
She took Sabrina to a very conveniently located gate to Purgatory and sent her inside with some yarn. And look who Sabrina met!
Mom! It’s her mom! Her mom is in Purgatory! A place for souls who haven’t been baptized yet, or who died before their time (aka, someone cut their life short before they were supposed to die). More hints to the murder of Sabrina’s parents. Oh, and apparently her mom was told that Sabrina died as a baby? THE INTRIGUE CONTINUES.
Look who else she found:
This is devastating for so many reasons. Not only did Sabrina not succeed in bringing Tommy back to life, but his soul was also devoured by Captain Soul Eater. So is his soul gone forever?? Assuming this show follows Christian lore, that means Harvey won’t even see him again when he dies. Tommy isn’t just dead, he’s gone, and that is so, so sad, my eyes are leaking again.
After failing so epically, Sabrina was given the advice by Ms. Fakewell to come clean to Harvey, and so she did.
Ugggghhhh, this one hurt. Our beloved lovable doofus took it as well as can be expected, but then insisted on killing the husk of his brother himself. They did that thing where Sabrina was walking away and hears the gunshot, so we don’t know for sure what happened. Did Harvey actually shoot Shell of Tommy? Did Shell of a Tommy fight back, and maybe HARVEY is the one who got shot? Did the gun just go off and shoot our lovable doofus in the foot? Anything is possible.
The closing moment was of Sabrina cradled in Zelda’s lap crying, and it was quite frankly beautiful.
- The soul eater getting my precious sweet beautiful Tommy at that precise moment was rather convenient to Ms. Fakewell’s plot. Do we think she somehow manipulated it?
- Poor Tommy fell pray to the rule of likability. He was way too likable to survive a horror genre show. RIP my sweet Tommy. Or… I guess, rest in the stomach of the soul eater? I don’t know.
- The High Priest of Dickery didn’t trust the Spellmans to deal with their shit, so he sent Girl Band to kill Tommy, but Nick stopped them by putting SPIKES THROUGH THEIR FEET. Hahaha, oh witches. Your version of teasing is wild.
- “I couldn’t say no. I could never say no to Sabrina” – “Zelda, you always say no to Sabrina.” BEAUTIFUL talk between the aunts. I loved this so much. Zelda cried to Hilda about how they’re failing Sabrina, and how maybe she would have been better off with her mortal family. The obvious love these two women feel for Sabrina is making my heart hurt.
HOLY HAPPY HORSEMAN THAT IS HOW YOU END A SEASON OF TELEVISION! What a stellar finale to an awesome first run. So much happened! All of Sabrina’s pals are in the loop. Harvey and Sabrina broke up. Aunt Hilda kissed a man who is shockingly supernatural. Zelda stole a baby (LOL). Ambrose is uncomfortably ensnared by the High Priest and his weird cult of boys. Ms. Fakewell ate Principal Hawthorn. Hmmm… what else happened, anything of note?
Oh yeah, SABRINA SIGNED THE BOOK OF THE BEAST AND WITCH-LEVELED-UP AND IS IN SERVITUDE TO THE ACTUAL DEVIL.
The episode was delightfully narrated by Ms. Fakewell, who seemed to be weaving a yarn to a houseguest, so we already knew shit was going to hit the fan this episode, because she told us so (and she’s such a trustworthy source).
After a poignant speech from Aunt Zelda about how emotional pain will fade a bit each day, Sabrina worked up the nerve to go to school, but still couldn’t face her lovable doofus. She ran into the bathroom where she had a gab sesh with her gal pals about whether or not she’s a literal witch. As ya do.
Roz and Suzi were doubting whether or not she was a good witch or bad witch, and I was very happy that those doubts didn’t turn into a conflict. Both girls rallied behind her and lent Sabrina their support, which made me pump my fist in the air because it’s rare when positive lady friendships are portrayed properly on television, and I JUST REALLY APPRECIATED THIS OKAY?
Because Ms. Fakewell’s plans were failing to get Sabrina to be the evilest evil witch to ever walk the land, she decided to step up her game.
She raised the 13 dead witches who were murdered by the town, then let them loose. The endgame for the witches was to release the Grumpy Horseman, who will kill all the first-borns in the town. The endgame of Ms. Fakewell was to force Sabrina into signing the Evil book of Evil (dun dun dunnnnnn).
Suzi awoke to a bunch of dead witches doing lazy laps around her yard, and Dead Aunt explained that she helped them get to America where they were murdered, so she buried them on her farm. I mean…. personally I don’t think I’d make the choice to have 13 unhappy dead witches haunting my property, but that’s just me.
Gah! I do NOT like it when My Crush Ambrose is manhandled by angry witches! They told him of their plan to be total assholes to the town, and that includes all witches and warlocks. Apparently when they were murdered by the townsfolk, the coven let it happen. Ohhhhhhhhh, Coven, you’re in trouuuuuuuuble!
Harvey and Sabrina had a sweet, sad talk where he assured her that he could never hate her, but that ultimately he can’t be with her because he can’t get past the stuff with his brother. Then Aunt Hilda popped in to tell Sabrina about the Impending Doom meeting, and she had to run.
After My Crush Ambrose and his crush Luke delivered the message from the witches, the High Priest of Toxic Masculinity was like, “I got this, no worries.” His plan was to hunker down in the school and chant the danger away while the mortals of the town die horrible deaths.
Okay, Zelda is seriously vying for the title of my favourite! She was all, “We are Spellmans, and we do what is right.” So their little fam jam created a tornado to drive the Greendale muggles into the shelter beneath their own school.
A few key players, however, weren’t game.
All 3 of Sabrina’s pals opted out of the Hunker-Down for their own reasons, but each had their own type of protection.
Suzi was all, “my dead aunt did you guys a solid, so… return the favour?” As for Harvey…
Can we have a quick chat about Nick please? How dare this show present us with the typical stock characters you would find on any show, but then make them three-dimensional, charming dreamboats with hearts of gold? I won’t lie – Nick has snuck up on my heart. First he gives Sabrina a pep-talk about how love is awesome. THEN he goes to Harvey’s house to protect him simply because Sabrina asked him to. THEN, when Harvey is at his most emotionally vulnerable, he tells him how much Sabrina loves him, and has sacrificed for him, and encourages him to forgive her.
Like… WHAT? Amazing. Nick took a character turn I was not expecting, and I LOVE IT.
Anyway, the Spellmans started their protection chanting, but then Zelda was poofed away in order to deliver the High Priest of Spell Blockery’s babies, and My Crush Ambrose was poofed away by his crush Luke because he looooooooves him (awwwww).
Then Ms. Fakewell came up with an idea.
She convinced Sabrina that the only way to protect her friends was to sign the Evil book of Evil, get her evil powers, and vanquish the thirteen witches. SO SHE DID, while the Actual Devil stood behind her whispering all the favours he’s going to make her do as his indentured servant.
With her newfound mega-powers, Sabrina took the fight to the hanging tree, and lit those witches UP.
With the witches gone, the Grumpy Horseman poofed away, and everything was great again.
Meanwhile, Zelda gave the High Priest of Butt his newly born son, telling him that he ate the other baby in the womb.
Zelda stole a baby! She says it’s because she’s a girl and she feared for her safety as the first-born heir, but do we think Zelda just wanted a baby?
Oh, and Hilda is moving out of their shared Bert & Ernie bedroom because she kissed a boy! A boy whose eyes glowed! What is Doctor Cee??? Amazing development.
And then we found out who Ms. Fakewell was telling her story to… and then she ATE Principal Hawthorne (LOL FOREVER). And she revealed that she’s the mother of demons, Lilith, which I think we already figured out, but was cool to hear her say it.
Sabrina is scared that her new powers will hurt her muggle pals, which is honestly fair enough! Question – is her contract to keep her mortal life still valid? Does she even want it to be? WHO EVEN KNOWS!
- So are we just never going to know why half the family is British and the other isn’t? Ambrose calls them “Auntie”, so they’re related somehow. Is there another of their siblings we don’t know about?
- My Crush Ambrose’s crush Luke is probably maybe not the witch hunter, but also maybe still is. Probably.
- The montage of all the reasons Sabrina didn’t want to sign the book AS she was signing the book… *chef’s kiss*
- The music on this show is perfect. Simply perfect.
- Ms. Fakewell brainstormed the possibility that the Actual Devil wants Sabrina as his queen instead of her, which… gross. Also… did she straight-up murder her own familiar???
- My wish for season 2 is for more Salem. I want his relationship to Sabrina developed, and I want to see a beneficial outcome for him. When they entered into this relationship, Sabrina called it a mutual partnership. I want to see HER help HIM in some way, ya know?
- The entire cast is aces. Simply top drawer. There are no weak links. Well done, all. I hope you give each other so many high fives, and go out for ice cream.
And that’s that. This has been a fun and terrifying ride. Luckily season 2 is already filming, so there’s no question of whether or not we’ll get to enjoy more Chilling Adventures of Sabrina. Now I’m off to go watch a few hours of Pengu to make myself feel better.
Okay bye! Drive safe!