Welcooooooome back to my wackadoo recap of a show you all probably saw years ago, and one that I am just now discovering holds the key to my dang heart (you all TOLD me). If you read my recap of season one, then you know I’m recapping this show season-by-season, so as of this moment I don’t know what happens in season three (don’t tell me!).
Season two brought us more goo intrigue (gootrigue), some dark character turns, introduced some absolute rockstar new characters, and most importantly, leaned real hard into the found-family dynamic that has turned my heart into a lite-brite themed sticky goo puddle (a gooddle, I will never stop this).
Meet Team Mars! These total cool kids were training on Mars when they were told that they’d get to participate in the plot. It was a very exciting time for all.
Meanwhile the Rossi Posse was having a gay old time healing from near fatal radiation exposure, bonding over saving each others’ lives, dreaming about evil goo, and catching up on some TV.
Turns out the goo was ‘sent’ by someone or something from the unknown, and it learns by absorbing bio mass, which, NERD ALERT, ammiright, guys? Like, spend your whole day just learning, lite-brite goo, and see how many popularity contests THAT wins you. Heh.
Anyway, they cracked open the safe they found on a stealth ship that one time and found a sample of goo that they hid in an asteroid, just in case someone needed a little extra blueberry crystal lite in their mixed fruit drink.
Then Amos and Miller had a bit of a kerfuffle in the kitchen (do NOT break the coffee machine!), that ended with Amos almost absentmindedly killing Miller.
You guys, they… they had family dinner. This was EVERYTHING I wanted and needed from this episode. Miller told a story about cheese (CHEESE!) and they all laughed and carried on, eating terrible lasagna made from space ingredients. This was absolute magic. MAGIC.
Oh, and Naomi and Holden DID IT. And Miller is still having hallucination-possibly-magic visits from Julie, the dead woman he fell in love with without actually meeting. As one does.
There was a lot of drAMa back on Earth, what with Mars going to check out phoebe and the shady UN guy wanting to blow them up, and a war almost breaking out (just call it a Tuesday), but the REAL delight this episode was the introduction of the Earth Queen’s new bodyguard, Cotyar. He’s a badass spy dude who apparently ‘failed’ her son in the army and thus believes he owes it to his dead pal to protect his mom, but more importantly he’s got sass for days, and I cannot help it, the heart wants what the heart wants.
Oh, and the Earth Queen was spouting nonsense about Fred Johnson so she could stay in the popular crowd without being murdered. Oh, and her ship blew up, but it’s fine. The situation. Not the ship. The ship is blown up.
Mars Ship – Nathal Hale
Sergeant Bobbi Draper was VERY ready for war this (and every) episode. Girl was itching for it so bad! She wanted to go down to Phoebe Station and fight the ‘blues’ and figure out what’s what, but then her superiors blew it up (rather than let Earth get there first), and she was very peeved and very bummed (peebummed?) about not getting to kill anyone.
There was a big Earth meeting where the UN was like, “they peed in our sandbox, now we have to leave flaming poo on their doorstep, it’s war 101,” so they decided to throw a hissy and blow up one of Mars’ moons. *sigh* men.
This fellow was an Admiral (I say ‘was’ because he was forced to quit when he was against the flaming poo strategy), who really really did not enjoy the company of the Earth Queen. He gave her the scoop on Fred Johnson anyway: he’s not a bad dude! He didn’t know the civilians had surrendered! He was very peeved at being made into a heartless murder, and so he quit Earth and became a rebel.
This seemed like a cool story and Earth Queen wanted more, so she told her Sassy Guard to get her a direct line to the man himself.
Speaking of, Fred finally got to catch up with the cool kids, who were like, “sorry we’re late, we were busy unearthing a major plot point,” and Fred was like, “whoa cool,” and they were like, “yeah, super cool, but like, can we wage an attack on some evil scientists?” and Fred was all, “sounds like a party.” So a plan was hatched to gather some OPA peeps (who are in factions, it seems), to help storm the nerd castle and get some sweet sweet justice.
Miller volunteered to lead the ground team, and Holden told him he loved him forever and that they’re best friends and to be careful and to keep his stuff in the Rossi so he could come back and live with them and be a family forevermore. It was a lot.
This part was awesome, you guys. There was a big fun space battle and Alex was a rockstar (I mean, 25 people died but other than that, super fun). Then the ground team stole our hearts with the spunky punk water theif from season one promising to look out for Miller, which meant he would die for sure, but then he DIDN’T (fun fake-out, though), and they found the main evil scientist dude!
Evil Scientist gave them a quick biology class presentation about the lite-brite goo: it’s probably alien, the aliens are probably coming to collect, the goo can repurpose whatever it eats, and the scientists want to use it to make better humans who don’t have to go to the bathroom or whatever. Just as the scientist was promising to give the Good Guy Group just alllllll the goss about who was funding him, Miller shot him in the head, leaving Fred and Holden looking peeved and shocked.
Oh, and we learned that Naomi quit the OPA because she ran with jerk faces who got innocent people killed.
In which Miller cuts his gross dumb hair!!!
The Merry Martians
The Mars storyline this episode was engineered to endear us to the whole Mars team, with their banter and breaking down barriers and thirst for blood. It WORKED, and I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Oh, and Earth blew up their moon, which made Bobbi very upset in a sexy-mad kind of way that didn’t affect me even a little bit, I’M NOT BLUSHING YOU’RE BLUSHING.
You guys, these two are an absolute sitcom and I love them so much. Earth Queen gave Fred a quick call to ask for help to prove his innocence, and Sassy Pants Body Guard mugged to the camera like, “this chick, ammiright? What am I gonna do?” *massive comedic shrug*
Holden, Fred and Amos attempted to get information out of Poor Man’s Evil Scientist by appealing to his humanity, but LOL, because boy had NONE. So Amos, recognizing a fellow sociopath (they took his empathy away with a magnet!), took the emotionless approach and gave him a science boner to get him talking. We heard more about how they’re ‘letting [the lite-brite goo] learn’. Then they heard some voices coming off Eros ‘building something’ and ‘counting down’, which was delightfully creepy.
Thank you, Miller, from the depths of my soul.
He went on a bender (because all his new best friends were mad at him *sad face*), and was adopted by Spunky Punk who introduced him to music made from the death wails of magic goo monsters. His adventure included researching the huge mormon ship, which resulted in a plan SO CRAZY IT JUST MIGHT WORK.
Fred was into it. He was also into the Earth Queen’s message, so basically a banger day for Fred.
Oh, and Alex starting vying for “Toni’s Favourite” by practicing the fight over and over like a huge dork who cares about the lives of other people *heart eyes*.
Oh, oh, oh, and Naomi and Holden had a spat where she was Team Miller and he was Team Not Murdering Murderers, but then they made up, and I’m sure this wasn’t indicative of any larger underlying problems in their ideologies, everything is fine.
OH and can we talk about how Amos and Holden had a sidestory independent of Naomi, and how Amos told Miller that Holden is “as close to righteous as you’ll get out here,” because they are BECOMING BROTHERS AND I LOVE IT okay I’ll stop.
Earth Queen zeroed in on Mao as the obvious antagonist, but he slithered out of it and left the planet, leaving the shady UN guy (whose name, I have learned, is Errinwright) with the blame and no alien lite-brite goo to show for his troubles.
The Rossi Posse had a cute make-up fight with Miller and agreed to his wacky plan to launch Eros into the sun using the giant mormon ship as a very expensive baseball bat (LOL FOREVER). But before that could happen, Miller and his adopted OPA team had to go to Eros and set up a few bombs to make sure the lite-brite goo couldn’t get out before being LAUNCHED INTO THE SUN (seriously LOL for the rest of my days). This led to an amazing bro side-plot with Miller and Spunky Punk who bickered at each other and saved each other, and it was absolute magic.
Naturally, a space storm made one of the bombs malfunction, and someone had to stay to make sure it went off at the right time. Cue the Rossi Posse’s best friend Miller, who saved the Spunky Punk and the mission by staying behind and everyone being reeeeeeal upset about it (because they’re best friends), BUT WAIT…
Eros MOVED. The ship was going straight at it, and a station (that is not a ship) moved out of the way to save itself. HAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAAWHAT I LOVE IT. And can we take a quick sec to appreciate / shudder over the collective dead voices SCREAMING as the ship passed? Good sweet zeus, that was a TOUCH.
Oh, and there was a bit of a snag when they discovered a humanitarian ship who wanted to spill all the beans, and Holden had to blow them up, and then cried about it (stop crawling into my heart, you gloriously empathetic maniac) (never stop).
The one that destroyed me. Just absolutely ruined me.
Okay. Let’s pull ourselves together shall we? I mean, you all saw this years ago, so you MIGHT be on your way to emotionally processing it, but please understand that I JUST saw Miller sacrifice himself to save everyone while also getting his wish to be with Julie, and reaching one of the greatest, most satisfying character arcs to ever play out in such a short time.
So. Here we go. Miller was chilling on Eros, which was hightailing it outta dodge very quickly, when one of his best friends Naomi suggested he mosey to the hot part (heh) of the station. So he carried the bomb, pressing a button every time it beeped (I don’t even let the microwave reach 0 because I can’t handle the beeping, if this happened to me I would just die, death by beeping).
Everyone was in quite the tizzy that an asteroid was headed to Earth (which was fair), and wanted to throw a whole slew of nukes at it (classic Earth).
Eros went stealth (!!), which meant the missiles launched by Earth were as aimless as a trust-fund kid on a backpacking trip through Europe. But never fear! Fred and Holden stepped in and were like, “we’re the actual good guys, and if you waaaaaaant, we can save your planet for you, NBD.” So the UN shifted their missiles to Fred’s control, while the Rossi Posse followed Eros and showed them where to aim. Yay! Teamwork!
Believing the Earth about to be destroyed, Earth Queen called her husband, and it was TOO MUCH, and I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Miller followed the lite-brite rave and the MAGIC BIRD (????) to the hotel where they found Julie, and asked his best friends not to blow them up so that he could finally put the moves on his only-mostly-dead girlfriend. And it worked! He convinced Julie that she wasn’t in a race to her home, she was in fact a sentient space station hurtling towards her planet’s destruction, and maybe it’s a better idea to vacay on Venus instead. Then they smooched. Then they CRASHED, and it was very sad.
You guys, these lines:
“Appreciate you inviting me into your family, Holden. At least you thought I was worth that.” I AM NOT OKAY.
“You’re going to negotiate with a girl who thinks she’s a space station?” Heh heh, I’m gonna miss this relationship so much.
This episode brought us a fun history lesson where Solomon Epstein (Sam Huntington!!) invented a super-engine and accidentally killed himself in the process, enabling Mars to have awesome ships and explore space and be general badasses. Not entirely sure why we needed this, but I trust you, show.
Meet Charming Alien Enthusiast Scientist Guy, a flirty old friend of Earth Queen who is hundo percent convinced the plot is aliens, and wants to be on the UN ship to Venus to prove it.
I promise I’ll get to the plot, BUT FIRST, Holden and Naomi told Amos and Alex about them dating, and it was DELIGHTFUL. Alex lost their bet, so Amos gave him a wet willy, and man oh man do I love these friendships. “Don’t get me wrong, I’d do her if she let me.” Hahahahaha, Amos, never change.
A Rossi Posse consensus was reached that they would launch their sample of the goo into the sun, which Naomi TOTALLY did (she didn’t). I’m sure it won’t come up later.
Oh, and Fred revealed he stole 30 of Earth’s missiles, and Spunky Punk turned Miller into a folk hero (**amused heart eyes**).
Ganymede Agricultural Station
There was a battle in Farmville where the UN soldiers started charging onto Mars’ side of the room (over the tape and everything) and there was a big battle on land and in the sky, and Bobbi woke up with a goo monster leaning over her. GAH!
Shady UN Guy wanted to attack Mars because of Farmville, but Earth Queen was like, “cool your dick, bro,” and the Earth President was like, “I’m with her.”
Hello again, Dawes! He went to Tycho to stir shit up, and boy did he. First he was elected Head Boy of the OPA, then he tried to convince everyone to keep Earth’s missiles while Fred and Holden tried to Boy Scout their way to peace. THEN he poached Spunky Punk and used him to create a diversion while Dawes stole the Poor Man’s Evil Scientist!! So now Dawes has a sociopath with a link to the goo, and Fred’s hold on Tycho is about as tight as a toddler’s grip on a top-heavy ice cream cone.
And Naomi sorta agreed with Dawes, which I’m sure IS FINE.
Oh, and Amos had a bit of a crisis and went to the scientist and was like, “How do you magnify your feelings away? Is it fun? I wanna.” And I was UPSET, but we never found out if he actually did it (he didn’t).
Bobbi woke up from being attacked by an alien, learned that all her pals were dead, and then had to go through the mind-reading interview (apparently those pills just “sharpen your mind”, so I’ve been wrong this whole time, DON’T MIND ME). She remembered that the UN soldiers were shooting behind them at a seventh dude, but wait, t’was NOT a dude, t’was an alien! Dun dun dunnnnnnn… Except NO ONE believed there was an alien, and they told her to keep her lips zipped about it.
Oh, and we met Captain Martens, a chaplain, who seemed cool at the time.
Meet Prax, a distractingly handsome nerd dad who loves plants, his daughter, and peanut butter (a little throwback for my The 100 readers). He escaped Farmville during the attack (accidentally leaving his probably-dead *wink* daughter behind), and was about to go to Mars with his cute pal, but then after a zero-G float n’ flirt, she was sucked out of an airlock by some Belters who were pissed at the Bourgeois *intense frown*.
Naomi and Holden sleuthed their way to the location of more lite-brite Goo – Farmville! – and deduced there was a doctor who was probably in charge of it. And whose distractingly handsome face did they see peeking out of a picture with him? Prax! So they tracked him down and invited him into the main plot. Yay!
Meanwhile Amos sort of spiralled emotionally and almost threw Alex down some stairs and maybe cried a little bit, and then they told each other how much they loved each other (with their eyes), and were probably about to hug and tell tales of their past, but a beeping interrupted them, and they realized Fred was dealing with a coup.
These butt faces were all riled up over Dawes’ message, and decided they would take over Tycho and steal Earth’s missiles. They SHOT DRUMMER (Fred’s ride or die second), and I actually yelped in dismay. But the Rossi Posse swooped in and saved them, and Drummer just waltzed out like, “it’s just a gunshot wound to the abdomen, stop fussing.”
Oh, and Naomi was peeved and hurt (peevurt?) that Holden didn’t tell her there was more goo, but then they made up and exchanged the L-word (!!) and Holden was like, “no more secrets, I promise,” and Naomi was like, “Yep, uh huh, cool, me too, me too, obviously, I don’t have any secrets, everything is so cool it’s basically ice cream.” I’m sure it’s fine.
Anyway, off they went to Farmville, and Fred was like, “Bring me some goo or don’t come back,” and Holden was like, “LOL okay then see ya never!”
They can’t catch you if they can’t pronounce you!
The Rossi Posse sort of became pirates for a hot sec while trying to get to Farmville undetected. They took over this relief ship and made it to Ganymede and everything totally worked out!
Oh right, except the part where the ship was going to be robbed, and the Posse burst back on the scene to help and the lovely man with kind eyes was shot and killed, and the woman blamed the posse.
Also, Prax tried to send a message to Doris’ seven great-grandchildren about how awesome she was, but Amos wouldn’t let him, and it resulted in Amos telling him the truth, because he simply couldn’t lie to his new crush (you will NEVER convince me otherwise). They let Prax in on the hilariously vague plan to save his daughter, and he was understandably hesitant.
Bobbi had her big moment where she regurgitated the bullcorn she was told to say to the UN, but the Earth Queen ain’t no fool, and called her back to get the REAL hot goss – namely that there was a ‘thing’ that was attacking all the soldiers.
It is worth mentioning that everyone at this meeting was so deliciously bitchy, I loved every second, especially when a Mars Guy was like, “Where are you going with this?” and Earth Queen said with a smile, “Wherever I goddamn like.”
On the ship bound for Venus we found out two very important things:
- There is life around the crater of the Eros crash
- Fun Scientist and Captain Curmudgeon have an Odd Couple thing going on where Fun Scientist is fun and Captain Curmudgeon is a curmudgeon, and I LOVE IT.
The Rossi Posse did some sleuthing that led them to a guy who could check the CCTV to find where Prax’s daughter (and the doctor, and thus probably the goo) were. He worked for chicken (dude, you need vegetables, too!), but Amos didn’t love that he was exploiting people, so he beat him up (and Holden let him).
Prax went on a nerd stroll to check out plants and figured out that the station was already dead, they just didn’t know it yet. Dun dun dunnnnnnnnn…
Everyone on Earth thought Bobbi was a nutso and locked her in her room to sulk. But nothing stops our girl, so she busted out of there and had an illuminating adventure that brought her to the ocean, and to some new friends! Earth Queen and Sassy Pants tracked Bobbi down and showed her the evidence that her own government created the thing that attacked her, and she was like, “buzz off, dorks,” and they were like, “keep in touch, babe.”
We got a flashback side story of Mei being taken by Doctor Strickland, who was obviously leading her to his lab for nefarious goo-related reasons. Oh, and Mei is a very cool spunky nerd (like her hot dad), so she BETTER BE OKAY, SHOW.
Can we talk about how uncomfortable Prax looks with a gun??? Tee hee.
The Rossi Posse followed their noses to the lab where Mei was taken (all while contemplating the pros and cons of Holden going dark), and found a bunch of squares having a pizza party, likely celebrating their latest evil science experiment. Naturally a fight broke out, Amos got shot (as he tends to do), and a goo monster was grenaded right out of its containment bedroom.
Alex had a fun side story about being smart and good at his job, and got the Rossi to the planet without being detected, by like, I don’t know, riding the wind? It was cool. Alex is cool now. He showed up to give them all a lift, but then they BROKE UP THE BAND. Naomi wanted to help individuals, while Holden wanted to save the entire universe. So she stayed on the dying station with Amos while Holden went goo hunting with Alex and Prax. Amos and Prax had a very emotional goodbye where they hugged and kissed and whispered ‘be careful’, it just didn’t happen on camera.
This development is the ABSOLUTE BEST, you guys, my HEART right now, it’s too much. Bobbi was basically kicked out of the army for seeing the ocean, so she was like, “eff this noise, I’m going to hang out with my cool friends,” and the Chaplain was like, “ouch, Bobbi”, but not because his feelings were hurt, it was because she beat him up real bad and stole his incriminating alien goo-monster evidence and then skedaddled to seek asylum within a sitcom. *happy sigh*
Oh, and Earth Queen got an invite to Mao’s space-yacht, which I’m sure is fine.
Mars Research Ship
The Odd Couple were at it again, fighting-but-loving-it, and coming up with ways to probe Venus (this joke is too easy, I refuse), and they found some lite-brite goo (surprise?).
How the heck did the EARTH story become my favourite? How??? I hate political storylines so much (I will never be over Lee Adama quitting fighter-piloting to be a spaceship governor or whatever), and yet I am RIVETED by this absolute sitcom.
Earth Queen and Sassy Pants Spy-Guard took Bobbi with them to go meet Mao (because they love her already), and it didn’t go super well. Shady UN Guy tracked their ship and was like, “I killed your Mars guy, so now you HAVE to be my best friend,” and then threatened to blow up the space-yacht if Mao didn’t murder the cast of Bobbi in the Middle and continue to make goo monsters for Earth.
Holden became a wee bit obsessed with finding the goo monster and almost wrecked the Rossi trying to hunt it in a tiny space, but then the refugee ship that Naomi and Amos were on was about to be blown up, and Alex was like, “Our family needs our help right now,” and instead of the ship getting blown up, it was MY HEART (I love them all so much).
Oh, and there was this whole thing where the cool refugee ship captain was like, “we can’t open the doors because we can’t take everyone, so they’ll riot,” and Naomi was like, “nuh uh,” and went out to organize everyone, and they complied, and human nature was, for once, portrayed as not-the-worst.
Anyway, the Rossi saved them from being blown up, and Holden made a threatening speech, and they reunited and everything was great except for the goo-monster scurrying around in the basement (dun dun dunnnnnn).
This whole sequence now resides within my soul forevermore. Sassy Spy Guard was shot and they were pinned down, and there was a shoot-out, and they had a heart-to-heart about Earth Queen’s son, and Bobbi climbed through an elevator shaft to go get her super-suit, and then she busted in and saved them by murdering a bunch of people.
Oh, and there was THIS exchange, which lit up my heart:
“That won’t work.”
“Right. You’d never make the climb.”
“Jesus Christ, not because I’m old. He’s been shot.”
“Plus she’s really old.”
I love this sitcom a little bit more than New Girl and a little bit less than Parks and Rec.
The found family were together again on the Rossi, and everyone was having TALKS, and Prax and Amos discussed the possibility of the goo-monster being a former child while Prax tended to Amos’ wound. This scene ended with these two furiously making love, they just didn’t show it on camera, no one will EVER convince me otherwise.
Anyway, they discovered the goo-monster in the basement (let’s call him Andy) and went down to kill it (LOL) and instead Holden got smush-trapped against the wall while Andy the possibly-ex-child-turned-goo-monster dug at the ship to get to the reactor. This gave the smart kids an idea, and they took the fun bits out of a missile they had leftover from a previous party, and lured Andy outside with it.
And they were saved! And everything was fine! Like, totally fine, don’t even worry about it! Oh, and Naomi confessed that she sort of maybe didn’t destroy their sample of the goo, and perhaps it’s possible she gave it to Fred. Hahaha, what a menace (except not really, girl had a point – both Earth and Mars had it, the Belt should, too!). Still though, Holden seemed peeved and betrayed (peevayed?), which I’m sure will be cleared up soon (don’t tell me!).
Hahahahahhahahaha, YOU GUYS, The Odd Couple (who are total best friends now) went down to get a closer look at Venus’ new goo population (goopulation? I’ll stop, I promise), and their ship was invaded by a lite-brite show and then? they? exploded? but not really? You guys, I don’t know, and I love it.
Then the season ended with the shady pediatrician putting Mei on ice (um, RUDE) and into a storage room that possibly contained a lot more possible-future-goo-monsters.
Yiiiiiiiiiiiikes! But also, yayyyyyyyy, I’m so intrigued!
- Are mohawks a Belter thing? Is it from the books?
- The ocean smells like a recycling vat! Man, this show really doesn’t want us to eff up the Earth. Fair enough, show!
- When and why did the Rossi Posse start calling him “Jim”? I do NOT approve.
- “Alex I could kiss you on the mouth right now.” – “How come you’re always the one getting shot?” The friendship between Alex and Amos lights my heart AFLAME. Can we also talk about that time Amos paid a lady of the evening to sit at a bar and listen to Alex whine? Hahhahahaha, I cannot express how much I love this friendship.
- Alex was my least favourite but now he’s my favourite? Adorable nerd hero!
- My raging crush on Bobbi is alarmingly out of control.
- I seriously want Spunky Punk to pop up once or twice every season. Never die, Spunky Punk.
- Season 2 Miller had strong Grumpy Grandpa energy, and I LOVED the shift from Skeezy Skeptic. We’ll see him again, right? We must. Right? Don’t tell me!
- In episode 5 when they thought Earth was going the way of the dinosaurs, Earth Queen knew Holden was risking his life (and would likely die) trying to save them. Her call with her husband was BEAUTIFUL, but I also really wanted her to call his mom (whom I trust is on her speed dial, what with them being new best friends) to let her know what her son was up to. But WHATEVER, maybe it happened off screen.
- FOR REAL, what is UP with the magic bird????
- Who is Lydia, Amos??? Huh?? WHO IS LYDIA????
- Speaking of Unsolved Mysteries, do we ever find out what Holden “should know” from his dead girlfriend??? Remember? The one on the ship that blew up? (Don’t tell me!)
- This show is not kind to scientists. There is ONE cool Australian guy plus our man Prax, and then the rest of the scientists are obsessed murderous sociopaths. What’s your beef with nerds, SHOW?
- Naomi has a SON??? Who was taken from her??? Just a casual fact about our girl, dropped like it’s NBD.
- Earth Queen is a nervous flyer, and it is ADORABLE.
- I don’t want to google anything for fear of spoilers, but Amos and Prax MUST have a shipper name, right? They MUST. Is it Pramos? Amax? Botanpath? (Botanist + Sociopath, perhaps my best work)
- As I mentioned on Twitter, I started these recaps a while ago, but then life got in the way (good things, I started my Masters and moved jobs). I won’t be able to dive into season 3 for a while. Hopefully you still remember this show and me by the time I can get back to it.
OKAY THAT WAS SEASON 2 THANK YOU FOR POPPING BY SEE YOU FOR SEASON 3 SOMEDAY MAYBE HOPEFULLY! STAY SAFE OUT THERE, FRIENDS!