Sanditon 3.1 Photo-Recap: It’s My Party I’ll Ship If I Want To

HELLO SANDI-SQUAD!!! Sanditon is back, which means everything is going to be okay. I mean sure, there’s a lot to be stressed about in life, but nothing that can’t be fixed with the sea, the air, and milk from Lady D’s asses!

The opening episode of our third and final *sob face emoji* season gave us so much to delight over. Arthur! Lady friendship! Lady D’s adorable giggle at Sir Tootsbreath being tortured with water! LOL forever. There’s also quite a bit to stress about, too (it wouldn’t be Sanditon if there wasn’t some bullshittery afoot). Sir Boogerlips has his sights on Augusta! Lockhart is after Georgiana’s money! Ralph burned his sweet li’l fingertips! 

It’s just so nice to be stressing and delighting over all things Sanditon, isn’t it? It’s also nice knowing that (while I would love to spend more time in this glorious world) there is a planned finale. No one will be dangling off a cliff by season’s end. In true Austen fashion, we must assume everything will be wrapped up, our favourites will be happy and any antagonists will be put in Fuchs’ water torture machine (which to be honest, looks fun? I don’t know what Sir Titface is complaining about). 

Let’s get ourselves some ass milk and dive right in, shall we?

Our intrepid heroine was on her way back into action, and this time she had her husband-to-be in tow. And you know what, I’m going to get this part out of the way right off the bat – Farmer Ralph is a sweet, beautiful li’l peanut, and though he’s wrong for our Charlotte, he is right for someone wonderful. I hope he gets a happy ending. #FarmerRalphCanGetIt

After Georgiana officially received her inheritance (I’M SURE IT’S FINE), she reunited with her dear pal and the tall glass of warm milk that serves as her fiance.

Bestill my Doctor Fuchs loving heart! This delightfully German snack of a man invented a redemption-machine that is basically a turbo-charged lawn sprinkler. The idea is that if Sir Fartface endures enough physical distress, his mind will un-asshole itself. Science!

There’s a new rivalry in town, folks, and it is between an adorable doctor and a creepy preacher! Place your bets here! Apparently Lady D also recruited Mr. Hankins in the redemption of her gross nephew, and the two men do NOT respect the others’ methods. 

Meet the new snooty-snoots in town! These lords and ladies have titles but no money, and thus Mama-Montrose has her sights set on Colbourne for her daughter (LOL) and Georgiana for her son. 

After a fun catch-up sesh where they risked their fingerprints to get stones (what a weird time to be alive) and gave a season 1 and 2 recap for Ralph, Georgiana took Charlotte aside for some real-talk about the sugar-free instant oatmeal she’s dragging around calling her fiance. 

Tom is still on his bullshit, but in a refreshing twist, he was actually successful in securing money instead of making dreamboats work for no pay or gambling it away or forcing his brother into a marriage with a hussy. Good for him.

Lady Susan! The glorious ray of pure sass also gave Charlotte the “This guy? Really?” talk, and Charlotte just shrugged like, “I guess?” What romance! Then the Snoots came and re-introduced themselves to Lady Susan who was Very Pleased to see them (girl did not have a single inkling of their existence, I love her so much). 

Snoot Jr. (Harry, his name is Harry) approached Georgiana and Arthur who were gabbing away in a tea shop. They both told him in no uncertain terms to cease and desist, and he instantly obliged. We stan a man who takes a hint! 

NO. Augusta. NO. Back away! 

Ugh, blerg, I hate this. I truly hope the show is setting up a valuable but ultimately unscarring learning lesson for Agusta, and a final fall or quasi-redemption for Sir Weinerface. Maybe he realizes he’s corrupting a child and lets her go, or maybe he drowns in a giant vat of yogurt or something, I don’t know, just do NOT let this ship sail, I BEG. 

I’m not saying I went back and watched this scene like three times, except that yes, I am saying exactly that. Mrs. D heard the name of Tom’s grumpy investor and then bolted out of there as if poor people were rolling out the guillotine. It was outstanding. I love it when this show allows Anne Reid to stretch her comic skills. 

Snoot Jr. asked Georgiana to pretend to find him charming, which she masterfully pulled off. Then she saw him coming out of a literal love shack with a fellow and was like, “OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,” and the wheels of inspiration started turning. 

Augusta and Leo, being the total shippers they are, awkwardly secured an invite to Georgiana’s b-day bash, then convinced Colbourne to go by telling him Charlotte was Very Pumped to see him. His eyes lit up with the possibility of more smooches, and that boy was IN.

This reunion left both of their loins confounded, so very few thoughts actually made it from their brains to their mouths before Madam Snoot weaseled her way into the conversation via Lady Susan. I almost feel bad for her poor daughter, who apparently didn’t see season 2, and thus doesn’t know her crush is futile. 

Georgiana entered her party with Harry igniting the buzzing rumour-mill, but concerning a certain dreamboat with a heart of gold. My darling Arthur, who had planned the entire soiree for his bestie, was rightfully concerned that his girl was flouncing around with the very nerd they told to buzz off! She gave him a, “chill, I got this,” speech, and he respected it, BECAUSE HE IS A BEAUTIFUL PRINCE. 

You all know my undying crush on Fuchs (don’t tell him, this is so embarrassing!), so I am ALL ABOARD this ship. Mrs. Hankins is a cool lady who was down with naked drawings and Georgiana expressing herself in season 2, so I say get it, Beatrice! 

Truly fascinating!!! Do we think this is the dude Mrs. D talked about in season 1? Or is he just an antagonist from her past with whom she happens to have some geriatric sexual tension? Remains to be seen! Whatever it is, it means Lady D forbade Tom from taking his money, which means Tom is now back into the position of needed it. *sad trombone*

Ya’ll know I love Colbourne, but this boy strolled up to our girl thinking he could hit resume like she’s a game of Mario Kart he paused because his mom called him to dinner. No you cannot, sir! She didn’t just sit around pining for you, she (her father) found a sweet, unassuming luke-warm-cup-of-green-tea to marry. So you better step up your game if you want back in it. 

Per Austen rules they were forced to dance even though they weren’t partners, and they spent the time sexual-tensioning at each other through the guise of congratulations and well-wishes. 

Uuuuugggggghhhhhh this fudging guy. He obnoxiously demanded the music stop, then asked to see Georgiana outside. Like… why make a scene, you utter douche-satchel??? Just ask her to go outside! I hate this guy so much. Anyway, he told her he’s coming after her money and then the episode ended, leaving us wanting so much more. 

HOW ARE YOUR EMOTIONS??? We’ve been waiting so long for the conclusion of this tale, for the happy-ever-afters of our beloved residents of Sanditon, for the comeuppance for those who deserve it. The first episode of this season was packed to the tits with story, set-ups, delights and upsets. I’m feeling good about this, guys. 

• “Who can fail to be impressed by you, Tom?” Guys, do we think Mary suffers from Stockholm Syndrome? Did Tom Stepford-Wives her? She is a bonafide snack, and what she’s doing with Tom will forever be beyond me. 

• Speaking of Tom, why does he have boy-band hair? Do you think he’s considering a career as an early 2000s teen heart-throb?

• Georgiana is still on the hunt for her mother. I can feel intrigue coming on!

• If Arthur doesn’t get the magnificent happily ever after that he deserves, WE RIOT AT DAWN. 

• Truly, Lady D’s giggle as she walked away from Edward being water-tortured lit my soul UP.

• I love Mary and Georgiana’s relationship. She took over her guardianship when Sidney died, and girl did NOT take the responsibility lightly. She doesn’t boss her around like Sidney did, or treat her like a burden. She truly cares about her, and it obviously means so much to both of them.

• Honestly, though, Ralph is a legit catch. A book of poetry?? Just because she talked about it once??? Asking her to read it with him so he can better himself for her???? GET YOU A MAN LIKE SWEET FARMER RALPH. 

• Mrs Wheetley! Give that woman more opportunity for sass, because she lights up my life.

• “You must ration your compliments, Mother, you’ll make me conceited.” I like these siblings. I also like that the third point in this triangle is a good person (so far) whom we like (so far) instead of a rude hussy (*spits on ground*). 

• The recap was already too long, so I didn’t touch on the fact that Mary took Charlotte to the poor part of town to see their baby-factory of a maid. The “please God take me” look on Charlotte’s face when the maid said she’d soon be just like her… give Rose Williams an award or some cake or both. 

• OKAY LOOK. I’m not saying Arthur has to romantically end up with the only other gay man on the show. I’m not one of those friends who’s all, “There’s a gay guy at my gym, you two should meet!” Well. That was ONE time and they’re married now! (Am I kidding? Who can say). WHAT I AM SAYING is that Arthur deserves to be happy in whatever form that takes, and if having another gay dude around helps Arthur to accept and love himself, then YES PLEASE. If they also happen to smush their lips together, I won’t be mad about it! #ArthurDeservesToSmash

• (Mostly) new opening credits! This show seriously has one of the best opening credit sequences I’ve ever seen. 

• Poor Lady Susan just kept getting pulled away and used by others when all she wanted to do was goss with her BFF.

• Every single member of this town is a shipper and I love them for it. 

• On a scale of 1 to I AM DROWNING IN THE MILK FROM LADY D’S ASSES AND I HAVE NO REGRETS, how happy are you that Sanditon is back?

OKAY THAT’S IT FROM ME I’M SO HAPPY TO BE BACK MISSED YOU GUYS SO MUCH!