YOU GUYS. I wonder what my neighbours must think of me, and the sounds coming from my apartment. First, the stream of Disney karaoke, then the clucking of roughly 5 live chickens (don’t ask), then yodeling, and now, because of this week’s episode of The 100, an hour long barrage of “oh shit, Oh Shit, OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!!!!”
Basically, if I wasn’t yelling “Oh shit!” at my TV screen, I was screaming, “KISS!!” Was there a sexual tension competition going on that day? I mean, obviously Kane and Abby win by a landslide every time, but they had some SERIOUS competition this week!
Let’s quickly acknowledge a scientifically proven fact: Ye Who Enter Here was insane. Just off-the-wall bonkers, and I was loving every second. Not only was there no Jaha, but there was death, twists, political intrigue, reunions, and no Jaha.
The episode began with a one week time jump, which after the three months between seasons 2 and 3, doesn’t seem like a lot, but it is! I like that the show is allowing our beloved characters to stew in their emotions this season. They’re given time to allow their shit to catch up to them, and watching them deal with it is delicious.
Anyway, Clarke was just chillin’ in her new jail-pad, when Lexa paid her a visit and asked her to marry her, or something.
TENSE! Basically, Lexa was all, “join my slumber party”, and Clarke was like, “you invited me to a slumber party last week and put my hand in warm water when I fell asleep, so no dice,” and Lexa was like, “c’monnnnnnn, that was just a joke! It won’t happen again.” And Clarke was like, “suck an egg, lady.”
Then Lexa had to attend a staff meeting, where a certain Ice Cube was being rather rude.
Lexa is so badass, you guys. This fellow was talking smack about her as a leader, and she showed him what’s up. Or down, I guess.
What was this scene about? I don’t even know. Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
Meanwhile, at Mountain Manor…
Oh… you! Do we know this girl’s name? Is she in the credits under “Bellamy’s doomed lady friend?” I’m not going to look it up for obvious reasons.
Farmville had essentially colonized the Mountain, which I’m sure will be fine. Right? Who cleaned up all the bodies, I wonder? Probably the extras. That probably why they’re so rude all the time.
No one on this earth can resist the charming allure of The Princess Bride. No one. HUMPERDINK, HUMPERDINK, HUMPERDINK!!!
Roan wants Clarke to kill Lexa and then join the Ice Nation cheerleading squad, and she was like, “I’ll mull it over.”
Emo Octavia is my favourite. Of course, in this case, Emo Octavia said aloud the thoughts we were ALL thinking. Moving into Mount Weather is a terrible idea. Oh well, I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Then a sexy cage Grounder showed up!
There’s an assassin at the summit! The Sky people are in danger!
And off they went!
KISS! KISS! KISS!
Abby has made some terrible decisions (which I got a lot of twitter-flack for pointing out last recap – sorry folks, I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em!), BUT, it does show a lot of strength and maturity to recognize when someone else might be better at doing what you do. You all know I love Abby (remember when she stood up to Jaha and I wanted to high five everyone in the world?), terrible decisions and all. So this was a nice nod to what makes Abby a strong character. It’s a different strength than her daughter. A strength that was cultivated in an operating room, not a battle field.
Anyway, they’re going to hold an election. Yay!
Then Lexa’s adviser was all, “you gonna kill Clarke, or what?”, and Lexa was like, “nuh uh. #TeamClarke”, and then Titus rolled his eyes and was like, “teens.”
KISS! KISS! KISS!
This scene was absolute perfection, and if you weren’t clawing at your face in beautiful anxiety, then I’m not sure you’re a human, and you should probably turn yourself in to Mulder and Scully. Clarke almost slit Lexa’s throat! Then she didn’t! Then she was like, “fine, I’ll marry you, but you’re in charge of groceries”.
No one could pass up an ice cream sundae bar. No one.
Anyway, then in a HAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL scene, Clarke pledged her undying love and devotion to Lexa, while the creeptastic assassin rubbed raspberry jam all over himself, and the Adventure Squad fought their way up an elevator shaft.
BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY:
Who is this gorgeous chanteuse?? What’s your story, Grounder Singer?? Are you for-hire for special Grounder events? Do you have a day job of fashioning secret weapon holders? Is that a leather corset? I am so captivated, and if someone doesn’t write a scintillating fan-fiction about this lady, then my life is over.
Anyway, just as Lexa was starting to go over their meeting power-point, the Adventure Squad burst in.
Whoopsie! Turns out their oh-so-reliable source of information skipped out on them.
Just as we were realizing that she betrayed them, Assassin’s Creed jumped into action, in MOUNT WEATHER. Dun dun dunnnnnnnn
Bellamy’s doomed Girlfriend was riffling through the Mountain King’s office, hoping he wrote down the launch codes in a diary marked DANTE’S SLAM POETRY, when Ninja Assassin snuck up on her and stabbed her like she was attending the Red Wedding.
This lady lasted 3 episodes. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAILOVETHISSHOW! Well done to the commenters who insisted she would not last the season. She did prove herself a badass, though. If I had approximately one minute left to live, my one and only thought would be how to obtain some ice cream, because if I’m going to die, you can bet it’ll be with the taste of mint chocolate. Not Bellamy’s lady! Nope, she used her last ounce of life to drag herself to the walkie and warn the others. Way to go… you.
Speaking of unexpected heroics, is Sinclair awesome? When did that happen? He chased after Darth Maul and didn’t die! Well… yes, he was saved by Raven, but still! Their efforts were for naught because Bellemy’s Dead Girlfriend was far too dead to enter the codes.
Someone please tell me the brand of walkie these people are using, because the signal reached Bellamy at the summit, informing everyone that Mountain Mansion had been exploded.
Bellamy just found out his girlfriend died, so obviously his first thought was whether or not Clarke was coming back. But she’s not! She’s staying with Lexa and the ‘war council’, to make sure Lexa ‘keeps her word’.
KISS! KISS! KISS!
Lexa told Clarke she tattooed #TeamClarke on her heart, and Clarke was like, “intense, but okay.”
It’s Emerson! Emerson is working for the Ice Queen! Seems like he has it in for Clarke. I can’t really blame him. Remember that time she made him run for 8 hours through a forest. Yuck. Exercise is so gross. Oh, and I guess she killed everyone he’s ever met. There’s that, too.
WELL YOU GUYS. That was episode three. EPISODE THREE. Have you gotten used to the breakneck speed with which this show throws shit on the fan? I think this episode likely would have been some sort of midseason finale on some other shows. But nope! Not The 100! This season is just getting warmed up!
Next week is primed for some political intrigue, a possible attack on the Ark, some emotional backlash, and best of all, more sexual tension! (Do you think Abby will have to disinfect Kane’s brand mark a few times? One can only hope!)
- “It’s easier to hate me than to hate yourself.” – “Oh, I can do both.” Awwwww SHIT!
- What do you think the Beautiful Creepster and Emori are up to? Has she told him which ninja turtle is her dad? It’s Raphael, right? It’s totally Raphael.
- I was loving the mentor relationship Sinclair was having with Raven. Seriously guys… is he awesome now?
- Is Jasper still crying to Adele, or has he moved on to Taylor Swift?
- Clarke being reunited with her mom was cool, but I think the reunion that made all our hearts glow was Indra and Octavia. AMMIRIGHT?
- For those of you who don’t know what Dream Phone is, get educated.
- Does anyone else sometimes miss Lexa’s batman mask?
- “I never meant to turn you into this.” – CHILLS.
- Kane was branded! What do you think the symbol is? Mickey Mouse ears? A hashtag? A heart? The @ symbol?
- Watching the countdown of the self destruct reflected in the eye of Bellemy’s Dead Girlfriend… *slow clap*
- If you had one minute to live, what ice cream flavour would you want?
[Originally Posted February 2016 on tv.com]