WHOOOOOBOY, you guys. My body is upset, and also so happy? Man, bodies are weird. So full of mysterious fluids that excrete into places and cause extreme anxiety that make you rock back and forth while mumbling, “don’t kill Lexa, don’t kill Lexa, dear Zeus, please, don’t kill Lexa.” Then those fluids do other stuff in your brain that gets you SO FRUSTRATED at characters who know approximately as much as Jon Snow.
Pike’s ascent to power was inevitable. Kane is just too good at his job for the likes of The 100. Conflict needs to happen, and the only other character who would believably stir shit up is off in some sweat lodge living in his virtual reality mind-palace, and going door-to-door. So, the show had to introduce a character that had all of Jaha’s irrational bigoted problem solving skills, without all of his unlikability. Because let’s face it, as frustrating as Pike’s plotline is, he’s still relatable as shit. Jaha! Take notes!
Now I hope you have your barbecue sauce ready, because I have some beef. While Pike’s throughline is 100% believable, Bellamy’s move to Dickville is even quicker than Finn’s voyage to Bonkerton.
Look, I get it. Television programs need conflict, otherwise tonight’s episode would have been a full hour of Lexa applying her batman mask (I WOULD WATCH THAT). And I know that on the page, this might have seemed like the answer. But the execution felt rushed and forced, and also I AM SO SORRY BECAUSE I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCH but I can’t help how I feel. My God. This is giving me heartburn, and it is NOT the seventeen pounds of chicken wings I just ate, so get off my back, 9 out of 10 doctors!
Also giving me heartburn? The lack of photo recapping going on here. Who do I think I am? LET’S DO THIS.
Watch The Throne began with another staff meeting, where Lexa read all the slips of paper from the employee suggestion box.
This lady’s shade is everything I’ve ever wanted. Insert her attitude into every single thing I watch, please.
This scene was very tense, and I definitely thought someone was going to either run someone through, or detonate a bomb, or at least pull someone’s hair. Basically, Elsa was all, “you’re the worst and we want you to politely vacate,” and Lexa was all, “nuh uh.” So they decided to instead have a duel to the death, because Grounders. I LOVED that our heroine basically sat there the entire scene all, “what does a girl have to do to get some popcorn up in here?”
That is not sarcasm. It is a testament to this beautiful show that we can spend an hour with our star somewhat sidelined, and still have intense chest pains throughout.
Back at Arkadia, a similar kind of staff meeting was taking place.
Yikes with this guy. Lots of fear mongering being thrown around. Pike’s stance was basically, “all Grounders are bad and we should kill them all, and maybe also their pets.” Kane and Abby were all, “sheesh, relax.” Then they didn’t make out, and my heart was like, “patience, Toni.”
Then a sad Bellamy came in to resign because he blamed himself for Mount Weather, and all of our hearts melted into gelatinous goop-puddles on our carpets.
Okay, okay, I know, he was really sad, and this made my chest ache, and Bob Morley did a great job. BUT, in Bellamy’s own words, he’s more upset that it’s his fault she died than the fact that she’s actually dead. Poor Bellamy’s Dead Plot Device.
Then Jasper used the arrival of Niko and some sick Grounders as a distraction to scamper off to brood and commune with Adele in the forest, but Monty followed because within his chest beats the heart of a true hero. Oh, and a guard threw some sass to Octavia about being a Grounder Pounder.
Emo Octavia, never, ever change.
Back at Leadership Camp, Clarke tried to talk Lexa out of the whole “fight to the death” situation.
Lexa has GOT THIS, Clarke! Just go relax. Read a book. Learn how to put your hair up in a ponytail or something.
Then we had a typical mom and son scene, where Roan and the Ice Queen talked about typical mom and son stuff.
It was subtle, but I got the sense that maybe their relationship isn’t the greatest. Then Clarke showed up and was like, “I know I didn’t go to your slumber party last week, but now I want you to come to mine.” And Roan was all, “I’m listennnnnnning.”
Back at Ark Camp, a memorial was being held for all the people who died at OH MY HOLY HEART IS THAT MILLER’S BOYFRIEND?????
THIS EPISODE IS A WIN. I don’t even remember what beef I had about it. Or was it pork? Who even cares anymore because Miller’s boyfriend is no longer just a casual mention. He had lines! Never die, Miller’s boyfriend. Never. Die.
Some guards busted in to report that Indra was in the forest practicing being awesome, and some people didn’t take that too well. Pike started pontificating like a donkey’s behind, and it resulted in someone throwing a rock at Lincoln!
Welcome, Emo Lincoln. Octavia will be very pleased.
It was said last season, too, so I suppose “I get knocked down, I get up again” is a Grounder phrase, which is very unfortunate.
Then we got a scene where Emo Octavia and Emo Lincoln emo-ed at each other.
THEN Clarke paid a visit to Elsa.
Oh Clarke! You sexy little gremlin! She almost had the Queen, if it hadn’t been for her assistant. Daughter? I don’t know. Regardless, this was a terrible plan. Good thing it didn’t work! The Ice Queen cut her daughter-assistant and she bled black goop all over Clarke’s face.
Man, the ice nation is RUDE!
Meanwhile, back at Ark Camp, Pike was using Bellamy’s guilt about Mount Weather to manipulate him into providing his band of murderous with guns.
I don’t buy it, and here’s why: Bellamy ain’t no fool. Yes, he’s upset because Bellamy’s Dead Girlfriend died last week. Buuuuuuuut, as he so aptly pointed out, he has always done what’s right for his people, and he HAS to know this is not it. Pike and the others have a bit of an excuse (narratively, that is, not morally). They have only known violent, horrible, rude grounders. For all they know, Indra and her army ARE there to kill them. But Bellamy knows better. Bellamy has played catch with Indra. He shoots hoops with Lincoln every Thursday afternoon. He’s heard Clarke tell tales of Anya’s valour. Sure, Lexa left them all to die that one time, but every relationship has its ups and downs!
He also knows that shooting up Indra and her army will incite a war. Oh, oh, AND he’s been buddying up to Kane for the past three months. Is he going to turn on him in a day? Nope. OH OH OH, AAAAAAND Clarke is still in Polis. If they kill Indra’s army, surely he has to figure Lexa would kill Clarke.
Nuh-uh. I don’t care how cool Bellamy’s Dead Girlfriend was. Homey don’t play that.
Anyway. Let’s all forget about that because then the coolest badassery of the episode graced our TV scenes.
SLOW EFFING CLAP.
This fight scene was so damn awesome. The spear throwing, and the Queen dying, and just everything. Everyone involved in this deserves so much ice cream. I hope you are ALL eating ice cream right now. If you’re not, go get some. Calories don’t count when you’re this cool. Just wowzers.
When this fun-filled hunting party was shut down by Lincoln, then Kane and Abby, I was like, THANK HERA, because this whole thing would have made Bellamy look reaaaaaaally dumb.
Sigh. Anyway. Someone suggested Pike run for office, and they all started chanting his name, and I actually threw up my seventeen pounds of wings.
Speaking of things that make my tummy hurt, Jasper and Monty had a fight that made me remember their adorable way to high five from season 1, which made my emotions ache. Turns out Jasper stole Finn’s ashes to scatter at Mount Weather, which is just one in a long line of terrrrrrrrrrrrrrible decisions this episode!
In a disgusting and sad twist, Jasper tripped and spilled Finn’s ashes. *frown*
Then, in a SEXY twist, Lexa showed up at Clarke’s door. QUESTION – Where are these girls getting these very luxurious nightgowns??? I live in a non-post-apocalyptic modern world and still basically wear a burlap sack to bed.
Lexa was all, “thanks babe,” and Clarke was like, “ain’t no thang,” and then they also didn’t make out and my heart was like, “patience, Toni.”
Then we got to see all hope of peace crumble away as Pike was voted Chancellor.
Well shit, indeed.
Now Pike and his gang, including our beloved Bellamy, are on their way to cause some shit with Indra and her army. If Indra is killed because of this, Pike, I swear I’ll… WRITE ABOUT IT VERY SNARKILY!
Well, what did you guys think? Judging by the amount of people already tweeting at me, I’d say everyone is pretty riled up. Which, of course, is what great TV shows are supposed to do. It would be a pretty bad sign if the credits rolled and we all just went back to our candy crush and our knitting and didn’t think about it again until next week.
So, good job, show!
- Do you think the fact that Pike is headed out to kill Indra is going to hurt their romance? I doubt it. Indra loves that shit. #PindraForever
- A lot of emphasis is being put on Aiden, the kickass little dude who may someday be Lexa’s successor. I thought at first he might be a little shit, and try to kill Lexa to have the throne or something, but the adorable smile he gave her when she killed Vanilla Ice melted my cold heart.
- “I’m the Commander. No one fights for me.”
- Someone saying “mark my words” makes me instantly NOT listen to anything they say after that. Pike is a thousand times more relatable and likable than Jaha, but… that’s strike one, buster. Speaking of… “Anger is our policy”. This episode was very timely. Very timely indeed. (Make sure to vote, Americans!)
- Monty’s mom is bloodthirsty. Who knew!
- The 100 gets so much right, and that includes letting their characters get things wrong. Clarke is our hero, but she almost effed up everything for Lexa this episode by interfering. It was cool to see the things work out without Clarke’s help.
- Indra was mentioned a lot this episode, but we didn’t get to see her beautifully grumpy face. Do you think she’s off whittling a bestfriendship totem for Kane? Or maybe playing MASH?
- Grounder makeup was ON POINT this week!
- Who was the fight choreographer for this episode? I hope they’re eating ice cream right now!
[Originally Posted February 2016 on tv.com]