GAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I AM MAD WITH JOY. The Adventure Squad has returned to us, and I could not be happier to once again be privy to the absolute unrelenting shit-storm that is their lives. Oh how I’ve missed this. How much have you guys missed this, on a scale of 1 to It’s Impossible To Put In Into Words or Interpretive Dance?
I’m going to kick this off on a slightly serious note (WHO EVEN AM I?) – here we go: we as a society have never needed a show like The 100 more than we do right now. I don’t need to tell you why. You KNOW why. In a time when things are hurtling backwards, we need a show that shows us what it’s like to move forward. This show says something important – it has always said something important – and it does so with SO MUCH DAMN STYLE. It’s not just about horrific teen violence, or deafeningly electric sexual tension, or glorious mutated Gorillas. The 100 has consistently portrayed equality among the sexes, races, sexualities, and the beautifully mutated (here’s lookin’ at you, Ninja-Turtle Hand!). It presents moral quandaries and forces us to think about what’s right and wrong or somewhere in between. Sure, the storylines revolve around absurd post-apocalyptic horrors – but they are not so far off from our own lives, if we replace a few key ingredients (I wouldn’t mind trying those radiated nuts from season 1, to be honest).
I’ll stop, because you know what I’m saying, right? You get it. You all KNOW how important it is to show strong female characters in today’s social climate, you KNOW the importance of positive gay relationships in television, and you know the show is portraying a dramatized version of our very real environmental risks… you feel me.
Look, I know you came here for the funny, but sometimes I have to throw some for-realsies love out to this show for calling it like it is, and throwing a mirror up to society, and OKAY I’M DONE, JEEZ.
This glorious bastard of a masterpiece breezed back into our lives at the exact moment it left us, with everyone chillin’ at Polis, taking in the horrifying sights. Octavia scampered down a precarious tower like she was training for Cirque du Soleil, and spotted her #1 best friend forever.
Octavia confirmed with her mentor that she did, in fact, brutally murder an elected official, and then they high-fived. And then WE ALL high-fived. Love these two. Quick question – is Indra wearing a sparkly corset?
I cannot imagine that any of these kids smell awesome right now. Anyway, THESE TWO! Remember in season 1 when he was like, “I’m a bad guy.” And she was like, “no you aren’t,” and he has been trying to prove her right ever since? *sigh*
Clarke figured out that anyone who died in the Matrix died in real life. DU DOI, Clarke, we’ve known that since 1999. So then everyone remembered that they don’t like her.
Whoopsie! Better skedaddle before anything bad happens! (And that’s what they did. The rest of the episode was Murphy working on his stand-up routine – “what the DEAL with half-goatees??”)
But before that, NEW CREDITS!
ROAN IS IN THE CREDITS! I repeat: Roan is in the credits, people. This is huge.
Then my heart soared at the sight of (half) our beloved Adventure Squad. My beautiful goddess Raven has a brain upgrade! Harper and Monty are adorably casting each other ‘member when we did it’ glances, and Jasper is quipping like his old self. Nothing wrong here!
This is the second time Jasper was free of his worries and it was all torn away. Sure, last season he was mind-controlled and his happiness was a relative illusion, but it still must be jarring to come back to all that pain.
Then the Adult Adventure Squad (they’ve earned it) graced our eyeballs with their beautiful faces and we remembered that A) Jaha survived a war that was entirely his fault, B) He is still a character on this show, and C) he is still sporting a half-goatee, but that D) Kane and Abby’s sexual tension trumps all of that.
Kane took some of the blame for this utter catastrophe, but only because he is SO NICE.
Look, I’ll (with heroic effort) put aside my feelings about Jaha’s half-goatee, and the way he treated Abby in season 2, and his general douchiness as a human being. Okay? They are now tucked inside the top drawer of my dresser, which traditionally holds underwear, but in my case, holds snacks.
Okay, I am now looking at this d-bag as an unbiased observer. First, he crash-lands on Earth INSIDE A NUCLEAR WEAPON, which for all he knew could have gone off and killed everyone. THEN he hears about a wonderful theme park by some super trustworthy grounders who totally betrayed him but he trusts anyway, THEN he causes a stir at Ark Camp and tries to de-throne Abby. THEN he takes off with about a dozen people in search of this mystical theme park, and all those people (excepting one wily beautiful creepster), DIES (most of them youths). (One of those youths he threw to a sea monster to save himself.) THEN, he locks a teen in a bunker alone for 3 months, THEN with the hubris of a self-proclaimed messiah, he submits his free will to a VERY SHADY hologram who doesn’t even sing or have a double life as a music producer, which results in season 3’s culminating conflict, and kills a shit-ton of fine folks.
And at the end of all this, he puts on a pout and says, “What have I done?” and everyone is like, “Naw man, don’t feel bad, could’ve happened to anyone.”
In a scene that lit up my heart, Raven got the radio working and was like, “I DON’T GIVE AN EFF ABOUT ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO SAY UNTIL YOU TELL ME CLARKE IS OKAY.”
THE BEST! Speaking of the best…
Okay, sure, we knew the whole time that Roan would survive because a certain credit sequence gave it away, BUT STILL, it was very nice to see this best bud. Of course, his personal assistant had to stir some shit up, because this is The 100.
Echo straight up murdered this political official in the middle of the square, and everyone was like, “yeah, fair point.” HAHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH I LOVE THIS SHOW.
Then the Beautiful Creepster sassed Jaha (because Murphy knows what’s up!), and he and Emori came up with a plan.
The Beautiful Creepster is convinced that everything will be different and awesome now, because he forgot that he’s a character on The 100. Emori agreed to go home with him, and then THIS HAPPENED:
WHAT??? Who even is this guy???
Then, in a moment that would thaw even the coldest of heart-shaped popsicles:
MY HEART SIMPLY CANNOT HANDLE THIS. That was worth the 8 month wait, you guys. Kane and Indra are total besties and they love each other and they’re probably going to spend Christmas together if they survive long enough.
This was followed by a strategy-sesh that I just could not pay attention to because I was too excited that they were all together again. I do know that Clarke told them all that they’re almost certainly going to die in a giant microwave, and they’re reaction was PERFECT.
Octavia does not give an eff about anything but murder right now. Stick with what you’re good at, right?
Jaha (*eye roll*) brought “Ontari’s” body to the Ice Statues, and then they beat him up a bunch. I am not proud of how much I was into it. I could have watched that for a full seven hours. ANYWAY, it was all subterfuge! It was really Octavia in that hilariously conspicuous burlap sack! She kicked some VERY AWESOME ass, and then made this face:
I worry about you. I love you, but I worry. And I’m not the only one.
During the ruse, the Beautiful Creepster was given a job, and he was all, “I just worked a twelve hour shift pumping a dead girl’s heart, I deserve a break.”
I’m not 100% on why he and Emori peaced out, and I’m a little sad they did. Seeing them interact with the rest of the Adventure Squad would have been amazing, even if only for a little while. AH WELL, perhaps they’ll continue their Bonnie-and-Clyde-ing until the world blows up. Good luck, friends!
While Clarke and Abby dug around in Roan’s chest, it was up to Bellamy to keep Echo and the rest of the Ice Capades distracted.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH OH YEAH!!!! Remember when Bellamy had a girlfriend for 2 episodes, and then she died in the fiery demise of Mount Weather? Remember how Echo totally orchestrated the whole thing using the bond she forged with Bellamy while they both vacationed in cages and wore adult diapers? What a fun history these two people have!
Anyway, Bellamy is not great at playing it cool, so Echo and her peeps were like, “waaaaaaait a second….” and then ran off to catch the Girl Adventure Squad in the act of saving Roan. Echo was VERY close to killing Clarke when a certain King awoke from his slumber.
Clarke was all, “be a pal”, and Echo was like, “no, murder everyone. Murder is the best. Just ask Octavia.” (We obviously are rooting for our heroes in this situation, but, like… they DID kill three people about ten minutes ago).
Looks like SOMEONE has a vision board to consult, ammiright? Then we cut to the other half of the Adventure Squad.
You guys, when did Raven become hilarious? Also – Monty and Harper are totally sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I… spelling is boring. But that’s cute! It was fast and out of nowhere last season, but I said it then and I’ll say it now: I ain’t mad.
I didn’t think it was possible, but Jasper has started this season off even darker than last season. This was crazy sad, you guys. The note to Monty got to me (we’re for sure going to find out what’s in that note, right?) But then Raven lightened the mood by telling them that they’re all going to be dead in 6 months, and Jasper was ABOUT IT.
The human psyche is bizarre thing. In all seriousness (which feels alien to me), I’d like to reiterate my thoughts from last season: this is an important story to tell. Jasper is struggling, and everything he’s going through is 100% valid.
Back in Polis, Echo was all, “Stop being a weiner,” and Roan was like, “Why are you so mean all the time?” Then she gave him a crown that may or may not be made out of human bone.
Elsewhere in a cozy cell, Clarke was fondling the matrix bug, which contains the minds of a century of leaders, including the beautiful, brave warrior she (and everyone else) fell in love with last season.
What followed was a pretty amazing moment where Clarke finally got a hot second to mourn someone she was in love with, before having a bag thrown over her head and brought to her best friend forever.
She filled Roan in on the haps, and he basically just rolled his eyes and was like, “what next, ammiright?” then they laaaaaaaaaughed and high-fived and made each other friendship bracelets.
OH, and she gave him Lexa.
Then he made a lovely speech.
This lady is going to be trouble, and I CANNOT WAIT!
Now that everything is awesome and everyone loves each other, everyone can go about their business. Kane and Abby are staying in Polis to give out flowers and set up a kissing booth, while Clarke and Bellamy go to Europe to find themselves, or something.
Kane gave Bellamy a pep talk that was basically, “look, I know you were the worst last season, but that was LAST SEASON, got it?” I love those two.
Then we checked in on some desert grounders!
That lady seemed very okay with dying.
That was very cool and terrifying! That is what will happen to our precious Adventure Squad if they don’t get their shit together.
WHAT A WAY TO BEGIN A SEASON!!
You guys! What are you thoughts and emotions at this time????
After a long wait, The 100 returned to us in full force, delivering on everything we’ve been dreaming of: hugs, bestfriendships, so many reunions and ‘thank God you’re alive’s’. My heart is glowing and expanding and soaring, and I honestly may have to seek medical attention. The multi-layered relationships on this show is what fills me with glee every week, and I’m not saying that these fictional characters are my only friends but MAYBE I AM. It was so damn outstandingly amazing to see these folks on my television screen again, for all the reasons. Just all of them.
So, welcome back, The 100. We missed you. I’m not even mad there were no Gorillas.
- Bellamy calling Clarke ‘Princess’ was a nice call-back, but all I could think was, SHE IS A QUEEN.
- Jasper was shot in the leg in the season 3 finale, which in the world of The 100 was yesterday. Was his gunshot wound healed by the power of Monty’s friendship, or Jasper’s love for Adele? #JasperLovesAdele
- Clarke is 100% cool with her mom getting some from Kane. WHO WOULDN’T BE?? Those two are electric.
- My kick-ass awesome Raven is in a lot of pain and it is UPSETTING.
- “I didn’t agree to give them guns.” – “That’s probably because you’re not an idiot.” Oh Beautiful Creepster, how I’ve missed you.
- Bellamy’s hair has morphed into a 90s bowl-cut and my inner 12-year-old is in love.
[Originally Posted February 2017 on tv.com]