YOU GUYS, we made it… sorta. Here we are, at Infinity War. It took blood, sweat, tears and a few salsa stains to get here, but we did it, and in mere hours, we get to witness the exciting conclusion to this tale.
We’ve been through a lot, you and I. We cringed through the Dark Elves, bad wigs, Zemo’s convoluted plan, the lack of a Black Widow movie, some iffy CGI, Tony peeing in the Iron Man suit, ‘quantum’ everything, Thor’s magic bath of wisdom, a wasted Rachel McAdams, Wanda’s ever-changing accent, and every single thing about The Incredible Hulk.
We cried when Groot sacrificed himself to save the team, when T’Challa confronted his dead father, when Peggy died (don’t @ me), when Yondu sacrificed himself, and any time Captain America says or does anything (that guy’s life is so damn sad).
We laughed at so many things I WON’T EVEN TRY TO RECOUNT, and we pumped our fists in sweet sweet triumph so many times it was a workout. We’ve seen villains come and go in rapid succession – some awesome, some truly terrible, and one we even grew to love.
What I’m saying is, it has been a ten-year RIDE, and today this particular chapter of the journey is coming to a close.
HOW EVEN ARE YOU RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM NOT OKAY BUT AT THE SAME TIME VERY EXCITED MY HEART IS SO CONFUSED.
Let’s get to it! Remember how fun and whimsical Ragnarok was?? Well get ready to chuckle, because Infinity War opened with a scene that came right on the heels of that movie!
Oh damn. Never effing mind, you guys, that was AWFUL. Ugh, God, why would you… why would you OPEN a movie with…. *sobs* okay, okay, okay, let’s pull ourselves together. So, um, *clears throat*, Loki is dead, Heimdall is dead, Valkyrie and Korg are missing I guess, Thor is essentially defeated, and Thanos has both the Power and Space stones. This movie is NO JOKE.
After Thanos kicked the absolute shit out of the Hulk (!!!!), Heimdall used the last of his witch powers to send him back to Earth to warn the others. As he was morphing back into Bruce, he gave Doctor Strange a panicked “he’s coming, Thanos is coming,” which sent CHILLS down my spine, seriously.
A Bruce/Tony reunion hug was all my little heart wanted, so I guess I can turn the movie off now.
BUT I WON’T.
Bruce filled everyone in on Thanos while Wong did what Wong does best – exposition. He told everyone about the Infinity Stones just in case there was anyone left in the known universe who didn’t know what they were.
After their who-has-more-ridiculous-facial-hair-off, they had a discussion on whether or not to destroy the Time Stone. Doctor Strange was all, “NUH UH!” and almost threw a hissy. Then it was time to call Steve, because he’s the only one who would know where Vision (and the Mind Stone) is, and I swear to you my heart was POUNDING. I want that reunion SO BAD. Unfortunately Tony didn’t even dial because they were rudely interrupted by the ‘children’ of Thanos.
They rocked up in a huge “donut” ship, demanded the Stones, then had a tussle with the dude-squad (minus the Hulk because he didn’t want to get his ass handed to him again, and plus Spider-Man because Peter has a serious case of FOMO).
Strange was wizard-napped by the Voldermort-looking kid of Thanos, so Tony and Peter followed them to their ship. At this point Tony told Pete to run along home, but hahahahahahhahhahaha, sure bud.
Meanwhile in space, a certain ragtag group of lovable criminals were answering the Asgardian distress call. They found a BUNCH of dead bodies plus an ethereal hunk.
Thor woke up and had a rousing debate with the team about what should be done about Thanos – go to stop him from getting the Reality Stone on Knowhere, or go to the store to buy a new hammer. In the end it was decided that the team would split up and do both!
We popped into a hotel room in Scotland where Wanda and Vision were being all lovey to each other’s faces. It was… sweet? I don’t know. I’m having trouble with this romantic relationship, but I’m also not mad at it? Ugh, who even knows. Anyway, they were discussing whether or not to just bail on the respective sides they took in Civil War, when a couple of Thanos’ kids showed up to brutally rip the Mind Stone from his head.
It was hairy for there for a while, with Wanda carrying the fight because Vision had been impaled a little bit. In fact, it seemed as though they were going to lose, but then who should appear from the shadows like a dreamy creeper…
Everyone in the theatre cheered at this moment. CHEERED. For at least seven seconds, which is a long time to cheer for anything, let alone a movie. I’ll admit that maybe I got swept up in the excitement, and cheered for at least four of those seconds. Let’s be honest though, his entrance was so well timed, it’s hard not to imagine him hiding in the shadows waiting for a super dramatic moment to pop out.
Anyway, he and the rest of the team made quick work of Thanos’ kiddos, who beamed themselves on outta there. And so it was decided that after two long years of being on the run, “staying low”, and growing beards, they would head home to the States to help out with the current worldwide threat.
We got a fun Gamora flashback from when half her planet (including her mother) was massacred, and the guy who did it adopted her. Awwwwwwwwwwwww. Speaking of SUPER SWEET moments, Gamora asked her official BF to straight-up murder her if she happens to get captured by her adopto-dad. So… just a great, happy sequence of scenes.
The remaining Guardians made it to Knowhere ‘just in time’ to stop Thanos from getting the Reality Stone from the Collector. OR DID THEY??? It was all subterfuge! After Gamora killed Thanos, he was all, “wow, good job, hun!” and it was revealed that he already HAD the Reality Stone, and could make reality whatever the heck he wanted. Why he didn’t instantly turn his surroundings into an ice cream shop is honestly beyond me.
Quill kept his promise and, after an emotional struggle, pulled the trigger to kill Gamora. But Thanos turned his gun into bubbles (that would be very useful at birthday parties!), and then, much to our dismay, vamoosed with our girl.
Back at the Avengers lair, Colonel Ross was being an ass to Rhodey when the team showed up and was all, “you were looking for us?” and Ross was like, “arrest them!”, and Rhodey was all, “hahahaha, okay bye.”
It was strangely funny to me when Bruce showed up and debriefed them on the Thanos situation, and NO ONE asked where he’s been / how he got back. Oh Bruce, you poor lovable dork!
They decided they needed to save Vision instead of just destroying the Stone because they “don’t trade lives”, even though it would have saved billions but who am I to nitpick. Bruce was like, “but I would need to be in the coolest place imaginable with tech more advanced than I even know of, and I’d maybe need the help of a child genius. Anyone have any ideas?”
A fight is on the way! They need all hands on deck!
Meanwhile in space, Doctor Strange wasn’t having an awesome time being tortured for the Time Stone, so Tony and Peter decided to step in.
Peter, inspired by the movie Aliens, came up with the idea to suck Voldemort out of the ship, and bingo-bango Strange was saved! They argued for a bit about where to go from there – back to Earth, or take the fight to Thanos. Tony’s plan won, but Strange was like, “I don’t give a single shit about your lives at all, is that cool?” Tony responded with, “nice priorities” all sarcastically, but *I* was like, “nice priorities!” very UNsarcastically because it’s half the universe, let’s get some perspective. *cough* Steve *cough*
Speaking of people choosing one life over half the universe, Thanos threatened the life of Nebula in order to get Gamora to reveal the location of the Soul Stone.
You all KNOW how much I love this relationship. I LOVE them. That being said, Gamora, what… what are you… I just don’t even know. Girl is smarter than this! I know she sort of loves Nebula now, but I 100% thought she was tricking Thanos when she gave in. I thought she would lead him into a volcano or something, not ACTUALLY LEAD HIM TO THE SOUL STONE to save ONE person who can easily save herself!
Ugh. Anyway.
Thor finally, FINALLY showed some emotion about all the shit that happened during Ragnarok and the opening scene of this movie. I loved it, obviously, but I just couldn’t get past one line… “you got a best friend?” – “Stabbed through the heart.” Is he… is he talking about Heimdall?? I mean, sure, they were buds, but is the MCU seriously so hell-bent on wiping the Warriors Three from our memories?? And what about SIf?? I was so indignant on their behalf, I think I actually said, “wait what?” out loud in the theatre.
ANYWAY – Rocket talked him through his grief the only way Rocket knows how – sarcastically. To cheer him up, he gave him a fake eye that used to be in his bum! Then they rocked up to the store, but it seemed to be closed.
Thanos destroyed the hammer store! He made Peter Dinklage make him a gauntlet that could handle the Infinity Stones, then went ahead and murdered everyone. Peter Dinklage was pretty bummed about it, but then Thor gave him a pep talk, and he was on board.
SEEEEEE???? Nebula can take care of HERSELF. She made quick work of it, then called Mantis for a ride to Titan. But guess who ELSE was crash-landing there…
This was a fun meet-cute! After figuring out that they’re all on the same side, they had a bickering strategy shesh about how to deal with Thanos, while Doctor Strange looked into the future at all the possible ways this situation could go. Out of the BUNCH he saw, the team only won one, but, um… I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Hi Red Skull! We haven’t seen this guy since Captain America; the First Avenger when he was jettisoned to space. I guess the Tesseract got mad at him and put him in a time-out, and he’s been the babysitter of the Soul Stone ever since.
He explained the rules of the Soul Stone game; sacrifice something you love, and you win. Easy, right?
Thanos killed Gamora. He dragged her to the edge of the cliff and threw her off and you guys I was SO UPSET. Wildly, inconsolably upset. I don’t know how things are going to go down in Endgame, but I am WORRIED.
They arrived in Wakanda and explained the situation with Vision and the Mind Stone, and Shuri was all, “why didn’t a smart person do this in the first place?” and Bruce was like, “oh, um… yeah, good point?” Hahahahhaha, I love Shuri. Then the Kiddos of Thanos arrived, and the fight was on!
Back at the hammer store, the doodad was malfunctioning, so Thor had to go analogue and hold it open. It was apparently suicide, but he did it and was fine. Well, not FINE, exactly, he needed the power of the new ax to rejuvenate. Groot grew him a handle out of his own arm, sliced it off, and bingo bango, Thor was lookin’ great, and once again wielding a mighty weapon.
Captain, Nat and T’Challa had a team captains meeting with Thanos’ kids, and were all, “let’s have a good clean game,” and the Kids were like, “hahahaha, no.” They unleashed some gross dog-monsters on the shield who started pushing themselves through. So our squad of heroes opened one of the gates because STRATEGY, and it worked!
Thor showed up in a shower of lightning and was an awesome flashy queen about it. This made everyone happy, both on and off the screen (once again, the theatre cheered). His reunion with Steve was adorable, and his introduction of his new pals to his old resulted in one of the best exchanges in the entire MCU:
“I am Groot.”
“I am Steve Rogers.”
Just… *chef’s kiss*
Back on Titan, the good guys had come up with a pretty great plan to get the gauntlet from Thanos. It included teamwork of the highest order (which you KNOW is my favourite) and everyone pitched in with their respective specialities.
Mantis had Thanos ready for a nap while everyone else almost had the gauntlet off. Buuuuuuuuut then Quill learned of Gamora’s death and punched him in the face, effectively murdering half the universe. Way to go, dummy. Star Lord of DEATH, more like, ammiright, guys? Stupid Lord, haha, right?? Star DUKE, now, right?… I’ll stop.
Thanos and Strange had a magic-off that was fun but ultimately futile. Then Tony took over the fight and did shockingly well! “All this for a drop of blood.” Thanos was about to kill him, but Strange negotiated Tony’s life for the Stone, which was contradictory to everything he said.
Thanos took the deal and skedaddled. Tony was all, “WHY THOUGH???” and Strange was like, “so I can say the title of the next film,” and Tony was like, “that checks out.”
Meanwhile, Wanda got bored and decided to join the fight, which was awesome, but it left Vision and Shuri vulnerable. The Kids went for him, and Vision vamoosed into the fight as well. He was backed up by Bruce and Captain, which was a very sweet bro-ment, if not a bit irrational.
Thanos arrived in Wakanda, which meant it was time for Wanda to do her thing and murder her boyfriend. Joking aside, this moment in the film was excellently shot/ directed/ acted and it wheelhouse-kicked me in all the feelings I have.
But it was all for naught. Thanos used the Time Stone to turn back the moment, and picked the Mind Stone off Vision’s head like one would gleefully take a sprinkle off a donut. And thus the gauntlet was complete!
But then Thor threw his mighty ax into Thanos’ chest!
It did nothing. As Thanos said himself, “you should’ve gone for the head.” So Thanos snapped his fingers and turned half the universe to dust.
Mini Gamora was NOT pleased with her adopto-dad. But Thanos was resolute in his right-ness, and left Earth to go find a vacation home. Meanwhile, half our heroes started to disintegrate, leaving nothing but ash.
Bucky, Wanda, Sam, T’Challa, Groot, Quill, Mantis, Drax, Strange, and our sweet boy Peter Parker.
It was very, very sad, and if you weren’t crying at that point, you might be a sociopath, so get that checked out.
Having won the day, Thanos retired to his summer home to nurse his chest-wound and spend his days feeling smug.
The after credits scene showed Fury and Maria Hill disintegrating, but not before he sent a message on a pager to none other than Captain Marvel (❤).
And that’s where we are! Everything is terrible, half the universe is dead, and everyone is sad as hell. Yay!
SOME STUFF
- I read that Thanos also snapped away half the plant life and animals, which is… um, food, right? Did Thanos snap away half the world’s resources as well as the people? So the same problems still remain? Am I wrong on this? Tell me I’m wrong.
- Are Wanda and Vision cute or weird? Both? Is it weird-cute?
- The Collector screaming “MAGNIFICENT!” when Gamora ‘killed’ Thanos… *tips hat* Benicio del Toro is a gift.
- Now that the Soul Stone has been burgled or whatever, is Red Skull free to go, or is he still chilling out atop a mountain hoping someone will get lost and visit him?
- I like Vision, but I would have 100% let him kill himself as soon as I heard about this situation. “Thanks, bud, I WILL take you up on that offer, it was very nice knowing you!”
- I didn’t love the Doctor Strange solo movie, but for some reason I REALLY dig him in the team-ups. There’s something about the dichotomy of a wizard standing next to a genius millionaire playboy philanthropist that just tickles me.
- Vision was IN WAKANDA, and NO ONE awkwardly brought up the fact that he was made of stolen vibranium, even in passing???
- “You’re embarrassing me in front of the wizards.” LOL forever.
- Remember in Guardians of the Galaxy when Gamora says, “I have spent my life surrounded by my enemies. It will be my honour to die among my friends.” SHE DID NOT GET TO DO THIS YOU GUYS IT HURTS. *sobs*
- I read that Groot’s last “I am Groot” translates to, “Dad?” HOW DARE YOU. How absolutely very dare you.
- This movie finally found the emotional balance between Brooding Thor and Dummy Thor. High five!!
- Do you think Strange has a crush on Tony? I mean sure, maybe he saw that Tony is the key to defeating Thanos, and that’s why he saved him, but… I mean, there could be OTHER reasons, right? *wink*
- Speaking of, whose facial hair is more ridiculous, do you think?
- If you had the Reality Stone, every place you went to would have ice cream, right? I can’t be alone on this.
- On a scale of 1 to “everything in my life has lead me to this moment”, how excited are you about seeing Endgame? Are any of you lucky enough to be going TONIGHT?? (Please keep the comments spoiler-free)
AND THAT’S IT! The MCU Photo-Recap has officially come to an end. Thank you for going on this wacko journey with me. OKAY BYE THANKS LOVE YOU HAVE FUN AND EAT LOTS OF POPCORN!
Toni Watches 