Before I dive in to the ridiculous, I’d like to share this link, which will help you choose where to donate in order to support Black Lives Matter. It’s helpful in understanding where funds are most needed at this time, and what your money will go towards; whether you want to help with bail for those wrongfully arrested, medical expenses for those injured, or if you want to help feed black communities quarantined because of Covid.
Well, well, who could have predicted that Shiedbourne was a wily little gremlin! Other than everyone, that is. Every single person.
YOU GUYS! We all knew Russ-sheid was sticking around, so the fun part was seeing exactly how he would manage to do that. Bite his way out? Convince everyone they were dreaming? Win everyone over with charming haikus? Use his God-pull to manipulate everyone into keeping him alive? Yeahhhhhh, that one feels right.
To add to the tension, this episode of the split-story had a split-story of its own! A splitception, if you will. While Clarke, Indra and Gaia were handling the SheidPrime of it all, Raven and Co. were taking care of a lil’ reactor issue, and also accidentally inciting a civil war? Haha, WHAT A DAY!
Now, we saw this fellow screaming in agony as his skin melted off in the preview, so we knew not to get too attached, though we didn’t quite know why he’d be relieved of his face. Turns out the reactor in Sanctum was being a dick, and he thought he could maybe give it a stern talking to. Unfortunately the reactor didn’t respond well to criticism, and, well… they died in a radiation sizzle.
Honestly? Most everything he and Raven said this episode could have been replaced with the sounds of dogs and cats hissing at each other, and I would have understood it about the same.
Okay first of all, Gaia was wearing the shit out of that dress and it was weird and awesome as hell. Secondly, this friendship is amazing and I love it on a visceral level for a few reasons. Yes, they have a shared love for Madi, yes they both have mom issues, and YES, they are both struggling with doing the right thing. Those are all great basis for a friendship. Above all, though, is the fact that these two ladies barely knew each other before Sanctum. This is a NEW friendship that doesn’t have the baggage of the past, and goshdarnit, Clarke deserves that.
[Not to say I don’t want to see her reconnecting with the OG Adventure Squad, because boy oh boy do I ever want that. I’m just happy she’s able to build something outside it.]
They also had a nice chat later to bookend the episode that was basically;
“I’m 100% lost, you?”
“Oh, yeah, for sure.”
ANYWAY. They pep-talked each other about being entitled to their feelings, and then they high-fived.
PrimeHeda was VERY into his new body (I mean who wouldn’t be, JR Bourne is a hunk), but his self adoration was interrupted by a coupla ladies looking for a decision.
Clarke and Indra gave him a choice of how he’d like to shed his mortal coil, and because Shiedssel fancies himself a bit of a witch, burning at the stake it was!
Jackson questioning his ethics over yearning for the horrifically violent death of his pal’s murderer was simply ADORABLE. Hahaha, oh Jackson, you sweet, beautiful hero. Never change. And Miller just being like, “yeah, I mean I GUESS that’s bad?” #MacksonResidesInMyHeart
Jordan just happened to overhear this very real and not at all contrived conversation about a possible plot to violently save Russel, but NOT ON HIS WATCH, BUSTER! He’s Jordan Jasper goddamn Green, and EVERYONE listens to him!
Jordan ‘convinced’ LightShied to give a lil’ speech, which he simply did NOT want to do *wink* and then, feeling pretty darn good about himself, he went to clear it with his boss.
And so it was set! Shieds-R-us would give a super helpful speech right before his demise, and it would be totally great, don’t even worry about it.
Raven partook of her favourite pastime – barging in on her pal’s sexy times in order to further the plot. Remember that time she busted in on Monty and Harper?? *sigh* *wipes tear* What were we talking about? Oh right, the impending radioactive doom…
Apparently the late great James’ mistake now meant that the entirety of Sanctum was in danger of the same face-melting fate! Ugh, Jaaaaaaaaaames! Anyway, Raven explained how to fix the whatsit with the whatever, but stipulated that they needed a nightblood volunteer (preferably a couple), and 4 Wonkru welders. Easy peasy!
Indra took a page out of every politician’s book and dodged every question with vague non sequiturs, then was about to march off to get Madi when Gaia was like, “Hey guys! Stay with me on this one, what if we put on our big-kid pants and stoped asking a child to make all our decisions for us?” And they were all, “NO THANK YOU, and also you’re fired.”
Wonkru (especially Sheid’s hometown) was NOT pleased that the Flame was destroyed, so they peaced out and refused to do ANY of their chores. Some people’s kids, ammiright?
Hello again, Bonnie and Clyde! Turns out Clyde is the nice one, which I’m sure won’t come into play later. Anyway, since Wonkru was sulking, Raven had to ask the prisoners for some radioactive assistance (while totally lying about the risk). Bonnie was skeptical, insisting that they would be used and then discarded, but Clyde was totally game.
For the first time in their lives, the Beautiful Creepster was questioning Raven’s moral decisions, and it was ELECTRIC. These two are the best of buds, and she has seen him through a LOT of troubling developments. Now he’s going to see her through hers (I hope), and I can’t wait.
Once the muddy moral waters flooded the scene, it was time for Emori to pop into the death chamber and fix it in under a minute, scampering around like she was on Supermarket Sweep.
Look, I know I’m gambling this joke on your knowledge of 90s game shows, but eff it, it’s the last season, all bets are off. Anyway, Emori did it, like the plucky little hero she is, and so it was all up to the prisoners to finish their to-do list, buuuuuuuut…
The radiation was leaking more than expected, and unbeknownst to them, X, Y, and Z were falling prey to its adverse effects. Clyde wasn’t, though, because he had guest-star powers that would get him to the end of the episode, so he kept on working, none-the-wiser. OR WAS HE??? (The wiser, that is)
Raven needed someone in there she trusted to get the job done, so she locked the Beautiful Creepster inside, forcing him to help Clyde. Just your typical best bud stuff.
Clyde KNEW he was dying, and yet he worked diligently to fix the pipe anyway, so that the rest of sanctum (and his wife) would be safe. In fact, it could be argued that he knew the whole time (Emori wasn’t exactly subtle). So here we have a man who had taken the lives of innocent people back on Earth, and he was using his last moments to be a hero. GREYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
They fixed the whatsit and Sanctum was saved, but our poor ol’ sympathetic bank robbing murderer’s face melted off in the process.
Once Bonnie saw that Clyde was dead, she went after Raven and roughed her up a bit. I’m sure this won’t have lasting repercussions, don’t even worry about it.
Meanwhile, RusHeda’s big speech didn’t go as smoothly as planned (LOL).
A ruffian up and shot PrimeHeda in the general upper left quadrant of his body, and the crowd went bananas. This of course led to the inevitable conclusion that making him a martyr wasn’t the greatest idea, so Jackson got to saving him.
Poor, good, beautiful Jackson, having to save the man (sorta) who murdered his bestie, and feeling all conflicted about it. GIVE THIS BOY SOME ICE CREAM!
Twist! (This was not a twist) But still, TWIST! HedaBourne had been manipulating them the whole darn time in order to ensure his survival. And now he has a whole little gang of devoted followers (plus the potential Wonkru defectors from his hometown) who will help him achieve whatever nefarious plans he has up his cape.
Next week our two seemingly unconnected plots will collide, and thank TV Zeus for that, because this whole ‘two different stories’ thing would have gotten old very quickly. We’ve seen a split plot before, of course, in season 1. The difference is, those two plots felt connected, with the events on the ground affecting those in space, and vise versa. The first three episodes of season 7 have felt like two different TV shows, so I’m pumped that our Squads are going to – if not collide again – then at least acknowledge each other’s existence.
- “Cockroach protocol in effect.” Haha, never change.
- James (RIP) apprenticed with MY BOYFRIEND SINCLAIR, the lucky duck. How he got ANY work done with that dreamboat in the room is beyond me.
- Hello Mr. and Mrs. Delilah’s Cookie-Baking Parents! You GET that justice for your lovely bodysnatched daughter!
- “I’m not the one asking, my father’s son is,” was a cool line, but it was 100% for the audience. Even if Russel was still Russel, he would still have no sweet clue who Monty was, or what that meant.
- How long has it been since the season 6 finale? Doesn’t the Sanctumventure Squad miss Anomalsquad???
- The Beautiful Creepster volunteering Clarke was amazing. These people know each other so well! More Murphy/Clarke interactions, lease please please.
- For the past couple of seasons, everyone has acted as if Raven is the moral compass of the show, as if her hands are 100% clean. This not only confused me, but sort of annoyed me? Yes, Raven is awesome, but I never thought she had any right to be so judgemental. Remember that time she blew up a bridge full of Grounders? Remember that time she held a rifle at Murphy and pulled the trigger, not knowing there weren’t any bullets? I know that was season 1/2 stuff, but it just seems odd to me that the show is pretending like this is the first thing Raven has done that would put her in the “grey”.
- Raven told Indra that she likes her, and now that friendship is ALL I WANT.
- What do you think Bellamy is up to right now? Is he carving Clarke’s face into the wall of his cell? Is he writing poems titled, Adventure Squad of One or An Ode to Riley? Is he regaling his captors with tales of eating green mush for six years? Has he completely taken over the planet and is now their king?
- Clyde just waving his hand randomly and not bothering to check who he was bringing along felt 100% like an in-joke with the writer who did NOT want to name those expendable redshirts. “X, Y, and Z follow me.” Hahahhaaha, I see you, Kim Shumway.
- Jackson accidentally burning Miller so hard with, “well of course YOU’RE okay with it,” about the murder of “Russel”… LOL forever. #MacksonForeverAndEverAndEver
- Remember that time the Beautiful Creepster stayed behind on the spaceship to murder all the prisoners so Raven wouldn’t have to? BEST BUDS FOREVER.
- “1492!” – “Columbus sailed the ocean blue!” Haha, gonna miss you, Clyde!
- I guess Raven STILL hasn’t learned the purpose of a ponytail.
- Congratulations to Cathemeral for winning the second round of JOKES FROM THE PAAAAAAAST: Octavia’s love for melted cheese has stayed strong since her bunker days.
THAT’S IT FROM ME! I know I often sign off with this phrase, and I mean it every time, but I have never meant it more than I do now: STAY SAFE OUT THERE!