Wowzers. I mean. That was a lot. How does one process ALL THAT? Steam, deception, brutish behaviour, confessions, a VERY upsetting scheme, a mesmerizing dance and multiple smooches! The penultimate episode came here to sip some tea and kick ass, and it’s all out of Pekoe.
That being said, if Esther’s sanity and reputation isn’t restored by the end of this season I swear to Céline Marie Claudette Dion that I WILL RIOT. That woman has been through ENOUGH. Get Sir GrossWit out of her life forever! Launch him into a vat of yogurt! Lock him in a room with a children’s choir rehearsing This is the Song that Never Ends and watch HIM go slowly insane. Ugh, this whole storyline is so upsetting. I am UPSET (which I suppose is a testament to how much this show has made me care for the characters).
Miracle of miracles, you guys… I finally care about Tom’s financial woes. And all it took was for him to finally, Finally, FINALLY tell his loved ones the truth and for them to swoop in and TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS. The moment Mary told Tom about the season one plot, I actually pumped my fist in the air in sweet, sweet schadenfreude. That’s right, Tom. You sit in the knowledge that your dumbassery cost your beloved brother and favourite houseguest their happiness!
This regression of his character had been bugging me all season. I don’t even care that he fell into the same money traps, whatever, he’s human. It’s the fact that he kept it from Mary, AGAIN, even after the breakthrough they had last season.
But. No matter. Mary’s on the case, so I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Okay sure, fine, this moment got me a bit snotty (I am not a graceful crier). Arthur came through for Tom in a big way, securing the goods for the ball, armed only with his lovable charm and sweet, beautiful smile. Then Tom’s eyes opened for the first time in his life and he saw Arthur for the glorious hero he is. This moment was just so EARNED. I’m glad we got here this season. I was afraid this journey would be a season 3 gift, but NOPE! Arthur got a lil’ boost in confidence, and suddenly Tom has gone from legit antagonist back to a lovable boob, as it should be.
Meanwhile, Charlotte’s impression of Colbourne was still in the dumps.
Mrs. Wheatley!!! Oh, how I missed you. Girl KNOWS. I want this backstory so bad, you guys. What went down that made Mrs. Wheatley SO #TeamSadDad?? I mean, we know his Sad-Dad-backstory now, but there has to be more to why she’s so ride or die for him.
Sir JerkButt get your jerky butt OUT OF HERE!! I’m just so MAD! He’s drugging Esther to make her seem out of it, AND withholding Bab’s letters to drive her into an insecure melancholy.
Clara is NOT cool with drugging Esther, and my heart is siiiiiiiinging! Look, I know it’s very rude of her to go along with the Sans-Babs plan, but we can’t expect our girl to change one thousand percent overnight. She’s been doing what she had to do to survive her whole life. The fact that she’s even upset about this is a huge (yet believable) shift in her character. JUST LET THEM BE BEST FRIENDS AND MAKE SIR GROSSBUTT DANCE FOR THEIR AMUSEMENT, I BEG.
When my beloved Fuchs came on the scene, I was expecting him to put it all right, to explain that she was acting drugged, not insane. But instead he said she has hysteria (if you don’t know the history of this ‘disease’, and feel like being retroactively ENRAGED, look it up). Basically he blamed her uterus for messing with her brain. Fuchs! I know you are a product of your time, but I expected more from you!
After an episode at the ball, Esther took George for a nice lil’ snuggle, and everyone FREAKED OUT. Sir DickLips put on a theatrical piece about how Esther was going to harm the baby, Clara just seemed straight-up concerned that a drugged person was holding her child, and Lady D got caught up in the drama of it all. Watch that scene without the creepy music and it’s just a lady holding a baby. Nothing to see here, folks!
In brighter news, Fraser attempted to guilt Carter into apologizing to Alison, and when he wouldn’t, Fraser took it upon his dreamy self.
Adorable lil’ dumb-dumbs!! Fraser apologized for pulling a Cyrano, and Alison was all, “No worries, you’re the greatest, dreamiest, most honorable and heroic man I’ve ever met. Anyway, bye forever!” Hahahaha, girl’s heart knows, even if her brain doesn’t.
Colbourne’s apology for GardenGate’06 didn’t go as well. His first attempt went something like, “grrrr, harumpf, I’m right you don’t need to know why, growlllll pout.” And Charlotte answered with a, “??????” then he huffed off. Then his SECOND attempt, went a smidge better, then a lot worse. Charlotte was like, “be a human being maybe?” and Colbourne was all, “Consider quitting, I guess.” Sad-Dad!! Give Mrs. Wheatley a walkie-talkie and consult with her before speaking.
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* Is this really the way this is going? Is this really Georgiana’s romance? From the moment he met her, he’s been negging her, telling her that her life isn’t good enough, that her choices aren’t bold enough, that she needs to change to be the kind of person HE thinks she should be. Now he says he loves her. And that he’s leaving TOMORROW and he wants her to go with him. Tomorrow???? Don’t give her a chance to think about it or anything!
Anyway, they smooched and she’s considering it, MOVING ON.
There was BALLLLLLLL!!!
Baaaahahahahhahahhaha I love it so much. Fraser over there pretending to be in conversation with someone else instead of obviously marvelling at Alison’s gusto! Girl told Carter right off and then sashayed away, and it was outstanding.
GAHHHHHHH!!!!! This dance was an assault on my heart and loins!!! My goodness, these two CRACKLE (and snap and pop). They quipped and smiled and gently ribbed and complimented each other and MY GOODNESS that was magic. Just pure magic. And Carter’s little smile as he realized he lost the girl to the better man was pretty sweet. I mean… he’s still the worst, but that was nice.
LOL @ these two constantly pretending like they’re not 100000000% internally screaming every time they’re in each other’s eye-line. Ah, you beautiful, sweet dumb-dumbs, I love ya. What followed was a VERY charged dance where he was all, “I am nothing without you” (paraphrasing) and she was like, “OMG tee-hee” (paraphrasing) and he was like, “never ever leave me THE GIRLS, ahem, I meant the girls,” (paraphrasing) and she was all, “wouldn’t dream of it *wink*” (am I even paraphrasing? At this point it feels like I’m not).
Colonel Jerkface, no means no!! After a jaunty dance where Charlotte engaged in small talk while he laid down loaded questions, he invited her to a balcony (the SAME balcony from season one???) and proposed. She, of course, was like, “Um, remember when I said I didn’t want this even a little bit?” And he was like, “That wasn’t real, haha, silly woman.” And she was all, “It for sure was, bye.” And he was like, “What a romantic moment we’re having! Smooch time!” And she was all, “Unhand me, you brute!”
Finally! She sees his truuuuuuuuuueeeee colouuuuuuuuurs shining through! Of course, Colbourne saw her tearful storm-off and was like, “this calls for a fireside confessional.” So off they went home, tra la la.
You may think I’M the dumb-dumb here, but I FOR SURE thought this love triangle happened pre-marriage, and Colonel AssHat was just peeved that he lost. But NOPE. Lennox had an affair with Colbourne’s wife, knocked her up, then left her. Sad-Dad has been raising another man’s child for YEARS. And now Leo knows!! And that was it. What a good episode. You guys have fun?
TEEEE HEEEEE!!!! They smooched! They smooched big time! Perhaps my calculations aren’t correct, and Charlotte’s love life will be tied up by next episode. This would be an interesting way to go about it. Then we could see her marital bliss/challenges while the rest of the cast find their happily ever afters. Orrrrrrr… my calculations ARE correct and it’ll go to shit next episode. I’m not sure which way my heart wants it to go. I kind of want to see Colbourne work for it, but I’ll also be pleased to get a full season of Happy-Charlotte.
Either way, this penultimate episode was not playing around. The dominoes are set up, but since this isn’t the last season, we know there will be some surprises to keep us guessing until the homestretch.
- I need a spinoff for Sensible Ralph. For real, you guys. Give that man an epic, exhilarating yet sensible romance that never leaves his beautiful farm.
- There has been A LOT of talk about Otis. The show really doesn’t want us to forget Georgiana’s first love. Will we see him again???
- That jerk-head servant must also be taking Esther’s letters to Babs, because there’s no way Babs would read a letter filled with such distress and not immediately run to Esther’s side. Babs must be thinking she’s too busy to write or something. **intense frown for a million years**
- In the sweet good name of Austen herself, PLEASE just give Esther some loaded nachos while she comes down, and then GET HER OUT OF THIS MESS. I am so upset!
- If Georgiana’s story ends up being “yay, she’s finally learned to throw away the rules of society and be freeeeeee with a man who inspires her to rebel!” I will puke on my computer, ISTG. And I will be very upset about it. This computer was expensive.
- When Sir StankBreath kissed Esther’s forehead I actually screamed with my whole soul: “GET YOUR BOOGER LIPS AWAY FROM HER YOU HUMAN FART!”
- “His shame, not mine. Why should I hide away?” YES, Alison. Yes.
- Tom’s awkward apology/not-apology to Charlotte at the ball (“I know Sidney would like to see you dancing again. As do I.”) was actually kind of cute? Oh no, you guys, do I like Tom now??? Such a fickle heart I have!
- Can we please take a minute or seventy to talk about how hard Charlotte Spencer is killing it?? An acting teacher once told me the hardest thing an actor can pull off is being drunk or high, because they always go too big or not big enough. She’s riding that line perfectly, and my goodness, give that woman all the awards.
- I do have to hand it to Lady D, she seems to have Esther’s back, even with the “evidence” before her.
- I know we probably won’t get it, but I’m always SO CURIOUS about the moment after the big kiss. Shows always cut away and then pick up the next day. Like… she’s at his house! Did he give her a ride home? Did she sleep over? Were they awkward and giggly? Inquiring minds want to know!
- On a scale of one to BEWITCHED ME BODY AND SOUL, where are you at with our dear Sanditon thus far? I’m personally pretty pumped to see how this season wraps up next week. I have a feeling it’s going to be exactly and nothing at all what I expect.
OKAY THAT’S ALL FROM ME YOU’RE THE WIND BENEATH MY WINGS UNTIL NEXT TIME STAY SAFE OUT THERE