Sanditon 3.3 Photo-Recap: Shot Through The Heart

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH x infinity. 

Colbourne!!!! What are you DOING???? Hahahahahahahha, that boy is an absolute MESS and it is DELIGHTFULLY UPSETTING. Look man, I get it, Charlotte is a TEN, that’s undeniable, but you can’t just go around smooching foxy betrothed babes. Or I guess you can, because you did (!!!!) but you KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 

You guys, it is episode 3. THREE. And they’re already smooching on a clifftop. What in the world does this show have in store for us???

Anyway. **collects oneself** Other stuff happened, so I guess we can talk about that, too. 

Whoooooooboy, it was time for the trial of the season, and everyone in Sanditon was all aflutter with the news. Lady Snooty Snoot was bemoaning her son’s future bride losing her fortune, Colbourne was stressing about the fact that Charlotte would return home after the trial, and Arthur was blaming himself for falling for and subsequently helping the scoundrel after Georgiana’s money. 

There was a lot of emotion running rampant, and this was all in the first five minutes!

Clearly Esther (miss you!) got her dating tactics from her aunt (or perhaps the other way around??). Mr. Price asked Lady D on a date to the shooting party, and she accepted with her signature sass. My first thought was that since he wants to tear down poor homes, he’s not good enough for Lady D. Then I remembered PinappleGate 1817 and well… maybe they’re suited for each other after all. 

If you didn’t want to reach through the television and strangle this human wet-fart, then you have clearly gone through anger management training (good for you!). 

In a fit of bullshittery, Lockhart played up the ONE TIME he met his uncle, then he said Georgiana’s mother seduced his uncle, and that Georgiana seduced him. 

Did anyone else look around their empty apartment like, “Get a loud of this effing guy,” when he produced the pictures he drew of her. Everyone gasped like that was some gotcha, as if he couldn’t have possibly drawn a picture of her without her being in the room alone with him. Do they know how drawing works???

I hate it. 

The opposition brought in a doctor who said Georgiana’s father had gone a bit bananas when he made his will, and that Sidney was the one peeling him (banana joke!). He seemed very very legit and everyone was very upset. 

Otis! Guys, remember Otis?? He read about Georgiana’s struggles in the newspaper and thought he’d pay a visit to remind everyone of his existence. He was like, “My fire still burns, you know, just in case you’re on 4-episode deadline for a happy-ever-after.” So handy!

Well that didn’t take long! Samuel flat-out told Charlotte he took this case because Alexander asked him to, and she was like, “why, though?” and he gave her a “seriously?” look, and she was like, “he likes Georgiana?” and his eyes almost popped out of his head because he rolled them so hard, and then she was like, “For………………………………… *sun slowly descends into the horizon* ……….. me?” But he didn’t answer because he’d fallen asleep. 

Turns out the older Colbourne is a good lawyer after all! He leaned into his talents of debauchery and discovered the doctor had gambling debts that would be paid off if he set his pants aflame in a court of law. 

Lockhart’s next gambit was to tell the court that Georgiana’s mother did not die as her dad had informed her, instead he sold her to another plantation. Ergo, if her mom is still a slave, then Georgiana herself is a slave and cannot own property (anyone else’s blood brought to a boil??).

And just as Tom had assured Arthur, English law prevailed! Slavery was illegal in England, and therefore no person could be treated as one on English soil, thus the money remained hers!

Baaaahahahahahahah, every single resident of Sanditon is a shipper and I am LIVING FOR IT. Samuel brought up Charlotte and was like, “For real though, why haven’t you locked that down?” and Colbourne was all, “Wha… I don’t… that’s…” and everyone in the room shared a knowing smile.

Arthur told Harry all about Lockhart and his role in the nasty business. He still carries guilt which hurts my heart, but I’m glad he’s holding himself accountable. If you read my recaps last season, you know I was mad and sad that Arthur would try to go against Georgiana’s own instincts and force an attachment on her. Buuuuuuut I also understood that Arthur was going through his own shit. I don’t think he is “to blame” for the Lockhart debacle, but I do love that he’s self-reflecting on his role. I expect nothing less from our beautiful prince. 

Tom, Tom, Tom, not again. Remember in season 1 when you kept things from Mary and then learned a valuable lesson about trusting your wife? Then remember in season 2 when you kept things from Mary and learned a valuable lesson about trusting your wife? Then in season 3… *siiiiiiiiiiiiigh for the ages* Arthur tried to remind him that he promised Mary he wouldn’t allow people’s homes to be destroyed for a hotel, but Tom told him to buzz off. (Hey Tom, remember in season 2 when you dismissed Arthur and then learned a valuable lesson about trusting your brother?) 

And now the jig is up. On another trip to her old maid’s house, Mary learned that the ‘poor area of ‘old town’ was under threat. And girl was NOT happy. 

Okay, so. Wait. Georgiana observed that Arthur and Harry are besties now, and he was like, “I have been informed of the scuttlebut,” and he’s on board. But… how? When? What was said and what was the reaction? I wanted to see this conversation so MUCH. 

These two have built a friendship based on shipping, and I LOVE IT. Everyone in the town is rooting for Charlotte and Colbourne, but none more than these two adorably over-invested weirdos. 

Hahahahahahha, CHARLOTTE. Keep it in your frock, girl! Lydia ain’t no fool, she could see the crush alllllll over Charlotte, but didn’t get catty about it (reader: I like her). 

I hate it. 

You guyyyyyyyyyys!!!!!!!!!! The way my heart SOARED when Harry came out to Arthur is actually a medical emergency (send help). Never before has the word ‘grouse’ been so damn sexy and adorable. Our sweet baby boy has been so focused on helping all the people in his life, in stepping up to fill the shoes of his brother, on being the bestest best friend a gal can ask for, that he never examined his own feelings or preferences. Naturally this meant that when faced with the option to pursue his own happiness, his brain short circuited and he was unable to provide Harry with any kind of affirmation. Thus, like literally any human being faced with this situation, Harry bolted before giving Arthur time to process. I LOVE THESE BEAUTIFULLY AWKWARD GROUSE LOVERS WITH MY WHOLE BEING. 

This is cute. 

Welp, that went about as well as expected. Sir BarfBreath asked Colbourne’s permission to date his niece, he gave a unequivocal hard pass, and Sir BoogerLips left in a pout. What did he expect?? Or wait… was this what he wanted? No. No, I’m sure this is done now. I’m glad it ended well! **looks dead into the camera with a worried smile**

This man was brought back into Colbourne’s life to be an absolute shipper, and I love that for him. Also, can we talk about the look on Colbourne’s face when his brother said Charlotte shares his feelings?? MY HEART!

Fed the eff up by all the gossiping and nonsense, Georgiana decided to position herself in a place of power so that no one else could come after her. She burned Otis’s information and made herself a profile on Regency Okay Cupid.

Xander. Buddy. Pal. Let’s have a chat, shall we? I appreciate what you tried here, really, I do. But remember when you smooched her SO HARD, and then the next day pulled a “we can’t be together because I’m tortured,” and didn’t explain ANY OF THAT to her?? Remember? Remember when you let Lennox *spits on ground* get in your head?? And you took away her choice in the matter and basically said, “This was fun, later gator.” 

Look, I get it. She then turned around and was like, “FINE THEN LATER GATOR TO YOU AS WELL, SIR,” and you respected that. But of all the times to respect a lady’s wishes, it is NOT when she labours under a false impression. She had NO IDEA what was going on in that handsome noggin’ of yours, so OF COURSE she told you to buzz off. If you had told her then and there what the bee in your bonnet was all about, season 3 could have been focused on planning your wedding, you beautiful dumb-dumb!

You kiss her now??? Now, when she’s betrothed to a lovely slice of dry white toast? NOW?? Honestly, girl had a right to be peeved and storm off with her cute book of pity poetry. 

What did you guys think?? Here’s where I’m at: we can be both very pumped about a kiss and indignant on Charlotte’s behalf. Or are you completely Team Colbourne on this one? Should she have chucked that pity poetry off the cliff?

Season 3 is certainly hitting its stride as it rounds second base (heh). Our main couple has moved on from stare-longing to smooch-fighting, confessions are happening, season 1 flames are being rekindled, and friendships are being forged. Of course I wish we had more time with our favs, but I can see how things could be wrapped up in a mere three hours (sob). 

• Let’s take a quick seven years to talk about how Leo comforted Augusta even though they likely didn’t know why. All they knew was that their big-sister-cousin was upset and needed a li’l snuggle. *heart eyes forever*

• Even though I’m on board for the geriatric romance, I still want him to work for it. Boy left our Lady at the altar! He better throw out a hip bending backwards for her. 

• Lockhart’s lawyer was such a slimy weiner. When he was offering Georgiana the money to give up I thought he’d slip right off the stairs. It’s always amazing to me how an actor can portray someone absolutely repulsive, but then put that guy in a nice role and we’ll love him. 

• Charlotte dropping Ralph’s adorable book of poetry to make out with her ex… tee hee.

• I loved hearing about Mrs. Wheatley’s backstory. I wish we could have more of her, but I understand we only have 6 episodes.

• “No man is irredeemable.” Oh Augusta, you sweet summer child. Incorrect.  

• Turns out the reason for the brothers’ estrangement was because Samuel wanted to gallivant instead of take over the family estate, leaving Alexander with all the responsibility. Seems like they’re over it, though, mostly because the season doesn’t have time to explore family dynamics (though that would have been an interesting side plot if time allowed). 

• As if Colbourne wasn’t sexy enough, he is very against destroying the homes of the working class. We stan a man of the people!

• I can’t even recap Tom anymore. He went against Mary and agreed to tear down the old town, then got all winey when she voiced her opinions at the party. Seriously, do we think he had dirt on Mary’s family? Did he blackmail her? She almost ended her engagement three times before marrying him. FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS, LADIES. 

• Sweet Mrs. Henkins has a horse in the race for Sir GooeySnotHand’s redemption. Not only is her brother directly involved, but she is also just a sweet wonderful person who wants to see the best in everyone. So when Sir ButtPimple waxed on about Augusta, wondering if anyone could trust him again, and Mrs. Henkins (fresh from her infatuation with Fuchs, who can blame her) encouraged him, I screamed at the TV, “DO NOT DRAG THAT SWEET WOMAN INTO YOUR BULLSHITTERY.”

• “I’ve been on my knees praying for you night after day.” – “Oh, and I’m sure that made the world of difference.” Baaahahaha, Lady Susan, never stop being a sassy bench. 

• Soooooooo, I did not know there was a whole movement online about Ralph being kale (?). I would like to apologize for my insensitive remarks regarding his likeness to celery. Though I believe kale to be too bitter for our boy Ralph, and celery to be a crunchy, healthy snack (when paired with hummus, can’t be beat!), I do recognize I have inadvertently stepped on a pre-existing cultural movement. 

OKAY THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY PARTY PLEASE TAKE A FAVOUR ON YOUR WAY OUT IT’S PAPER MACHE GROUSE