Sanditon 3.4 Photo-Recap: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?

This week’s Sanditon gave us engagements, runaways, and sooooooooo many hurt feelings. One might even say all of them? Sanditon heaped all the hurt feelings in the world into one hour of very upsetting television. 

Isn’t it wonderful??? 

The more hurt or misunderstood our beloveds are, the more satisfying their beautiful endings will be. T’is the Austen way! Our loves have to go through it before they can arrive safely into their happily ever afters (*cough* Esther *cough*). So, while I’m upset for our favourites now, I have no doubt the show will turn it around by the end. (Right, show?? RIGHT?!?!?)

Baaahahahahha, poor Arthur was a storm of befuddlement after Harry’s confession last episode. Our boy had NO idea how to handle the current situation, and instead opted to avoid it altogether. Speaking of avoiding things, our girl Charlotte had just oneeeeeeee more excuse to delay her return to her lovable lump of mashed potatoes – another party! 

The President of the Shippers Association really wanted Colbourne to open up about how disappointed and heartbroken he was over his failed attempt to win back his ex (LOL, he’s such a mess, I love it so much), but Colbourne was pretty determined to pretend his heart hadn’t shattered like a decades-old candy apple you forgot was in the cupboard (not speaking from experience). 

Lady D was NOT pleased about the nonsense Sir CrunchyToeJam pulled at the shooting party (where he publicly asked to go steady with Augusta and Colbourne gave it a hard pass). She doesn’t want him on his old bullshit, and rightly so! He acted all contrite, but boy is sneaking Augusta dumb letters, so he didn’t hear a damn word.

Welp. Colbourne made it through the sassy manipulative stage of teenage-hood only to find himself thrust into the storm-off door-slaming stare-out-a-rainy-window you just don’t understand me phase. Poor guy. That being said, flat-out forbidding her from doing something without giving any explanation (Colbourne’s M.O. apparently), wasn’t the best route. As his bro later states, that behaviour only shoves her into Sir DooDooBreath’s arms.

TOM. WHY, Tom? Why. Truly. I’m asking. This is not rhetorical, Tom. Answer me. WHY ON EARTH would you treat your wife this way, after learning to appreciate her TWICE??? I hate this. If it were season one and he had somewhere to grow, fine, give me this character. But this is season three, and we’ve SEEN THIS. Even if he has yet another epiphany about appreciating the people in his life by the end of the season, I honestly will not believe it. He’s like me after I eat too much ice cream and I have a tummy ache and I say I’ll never do it again… until exactly one month later (you feel me). He’s not learning from past mistakes, and at this point I don’t have any faith that he will. Mary deserves better.

She has ideas for the old town that don’t involve displacing an entire community, and Tom was all, “thank babe, but stick to being pretty and cleaning my socks, I’ll do the big-boy businessing.” Ugh. I miss season one when he was just a boob instead of a straight-up villain.

Yiiiiiiikes. Georgiana is going through some shit and instead of reflecting on it, she’s throwing her energy into partying with Harry’s cool bad-influencer (heh) friends. Harry suggested a macaron eating contest, which Charlotte shut down because of the sugar boycott, but then Georgiana was all, “eff it, fifty bucks on Arthur!”

I won’t lie, this one hurt. First, that she would ignore her principles in order to look cool in front of her new friends. *sad face* Second, that she would single Arthur out as the person who could consume the most. She likely didn’t mean it like that, but betting on the big fellow to eat more… *siiiiiiiigh*. We don’t always make the best decisions when at an emotional crossroads (see: Arthur last season). I just hope she checkeths herself before she wreckths herself (and her dear friendships). 

YOU GUYYYYYYYYYYYYS!!!!!! I will never stop having absolute heart-eyes for these two dreamboats. Okay, yes, this episode presented a snag (more on that later), but as I said before, the bigger the struggle, the happier the ending (RIGHT, SHOW????) 

Harry gave Arthur the ol’ “are you mad at me?” and Arthur returned it with the ol’, “I thought YOU were mad at ME!” And then they mooned at each other for roughly an eternity before someone interrupted them. 

Charlotte dished about her smooch with Colbourne, and Georgiana rightfully was like, “THEN GET ON THAT,” and Charlotte had to remind her that she is fianced to a burnt salt-free pretzel. 

Oh Ralph, you sweet, beautiful dumb-dumb, welcome back to Sanditon! After a very room-temp welcome from his bride-to-be, they had a little chat where she was like, “I’m soooooo excited to go home and marry you, but let’s NOT for a bit.” She convinced him to go to Georgiana’s party, and like the sweet little jar of mushed peas he is, he agreed. 

Our girl was not doing great. The papers were being assholes, people kept writing to say they were long-lost would-be inheritors, and the law couldn’t do a damn thing about it. It’s understandable that she would be frustrated (and a little rude to brother Colbourne, if we’re being honest). Especially when his advice to her was, ‘Find yourself a man.’ Yeesh. 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes, the balloon that serves as my heart would be popped by the end of the episode, but can we take a quick seven and a half days to gush about how absolutely ADORABLE this scene was??? Arthur confessed that he, too, enjoys grouse, and Harry was like, “well *I* like a very specific grouse,” and then they heart-eyed for the rest of the afternoon. 

I hate it so much, buuuuuuuut, I hate it less now that I know the show isn’t trying to sell this to us. I mean, that was some high-grade manipulation he just pulled on an actual teen. Leaning in for a kiss and then backing away like it’s their tragic final farewell? I’m glad Sanditon isn’t trying to convince us that Sir SmellyToes would make a recovery from being a total asshole. 

Oh Ralph. Sweet, sensible, delusional Farmer Ralph. Mary had ideas for the old town that she wanted to share with Colbourne, including Charlotte’s idea for a school. Charlotte was reluctant to go, what with all the smooching they’d recently done, until Ralph was like, “Heck YES I want to go meet Colbourne! Everyone keeps talking about how rugged and handsome and smart and kind and dreamy he is, I’d like to see it for myself AND put my wife-to-be in close proximity!” 

You guys, even little Leo was like, “I’m sorry, WHAT?” when Ralph told them who he was. That caption is not even my joke, it is an actual line in the show. They looked at Ralph, looked at Charlotte, looked back at Ralph, and said, “YOU??” My goodness, give that kid their own Netflix special.

Lady Snoot and Lydia (I like her) were visiting Colbourne’s horses when Charlotte showed up with Mary and her mystery guest. It was deliciously awkward, rife with longing glances and Sensible Ralph being utterly clueless, like the bowl of soft tofu he is. 

Oh dear. Without knowing who the person is that August is “in love” with, Charlotte encouraged her to follow her heart or regret it forever and ever and ever. Wonder if THAT will come back to bite every single person in the ass. 

Mr. Price proposed to Lady D and she laughed right in his face, saying she’d rather retain her title and wealth, thank you very much. He seemed hurt at first but rebounded quickly. I guess when you’re that age, you can’t waste time pouting! 

Creepy Preacher, what is your DEAL??? I’m honestly so upset and confused by this. Dude needs to stop c-blocking his cool sister immediately! Fuchs and Beatrice were being adorable at each other, and Preacher got all huffy about it. Lay off, you ghoul! These two deserve the world!

I’ve been making fun of Lady Snoot this whole season for being a snooty-snoot, but this scene was a heartbreaking reminder of exactly why she acts the way she does. Yes, they have a title, but they’re poor. Lydia couldn’t support herself without a husband (not everyone can be Jane Austen). I actually talked about this in my recap of Pride and Prejudice, in defense of Mrs. Bennet. Scheming mothers in these stories often get the brunt of our malice, but in reality, society shaped them into schemers by necessity. Both Lydia and Harry needed spouses to survive. In 1817, “sodomy” (ugh, I feel dirty just writing that word) was a federal offense, punishable by imprisonment or, depending on the court, death.

Lady Snoot (okay fine, just this once, Lady Montrose) is a mother protecting her children. Yes, she’s uncouth, overbearing, and honestly annoying, but at the end of the day, girl had a point.  

Sir SludgeButt used all the tactics of a scam artist: separate her from her loved ones and create a sense of urgency. If they didn’t elope NOW, he would have to leave Sanditon broken-hearted (puke) and they would never see each other again (*injury-inducing-eye-roll*). Obviously our girl fell for it: she’s young and he’s handsome. 

This hurt so muuuuuuuuuuuuch. *pout forever* The look on our boy’s face when his bestie said she was going to steal his boyfriend is now seared on my broken heart. Look. I know it’ll all work out, and I KNOW I’m the one who said the more hurt the feelings, the happier the ending, but SWEET ZEUS this was painful to watch. 

Whooooboy, when your fiance starts to notice all the longing looks you’re giving to another man, it might be time to shit or get off the pot, you know? He smelled some serious pheromones coming off his lady any time she spied a certain brooding dreamboat. Ralph ain’t no fool! Okay, well, he is, but not if you give him a million hints! Especially when one of those hints is you going full sexual-tension during another forced dance!

Sir PussFilledBoil used the fireworks as a distraction and ran off with Augusta. May he be flung out of a plane with a paper mache parachute into a giant vat of slime. Amen. 

Georgiana accidentally blew up Charlotte’s shit by outing her secret love to her current… man-friend. Charlotte very reasonably suggested that marrying a man she doesn’t love isn’t the answer to all of Georgiana’s problems, especially when she has a man who really does love her. Georgiana fired back, “Girl, look in the MIRROR,” just as Ralph walked in. 

Even THEN our sweet li’l cup of cold broth didn’t get it. He was like, “This place is nuts, huh? Makes you kinda nuts, too. Let’s just move home and be happily free of nuts.” And Charlotte was like, “I’m quite fond of nuts.” And Ralph was all, “Hahahaha, no you’re NOT, and I should know, because I’m completely nut-free and you love me!” and Charlotte just looked at him like, “I… love… nuts.” 

Before she could spill the beans that she’s in love with a sad dreamboat, that very sad dreamboat burst in and informed her of the situation involving his niece and a legit predator. Charlotte was like, “Whoops, oh no, I’m so upset about this well-timed escape from his conversation, later Ronald!” And he was like, “……….. it’s Ralph.”

And that was that! My goodness we’re on the trolly now, aren’t we?? Four episodes in and Sir BumWart has shown his true colours, Charlotte was on the brink of confessing to Ralph that she loves Colbourne, Georgiana is fianced to a lovely man she’ll never love, and Arthur is heartbroken over that very same man. 

The show has two more episodes to turn all this delicious angst into an Austenian buffet of happily-ever-afters. *giddy squeal*

STUFF

• Colbourne watching Charlotte with Sensible Ralph, Arthur watching Harry fiance himself to Georgiana, Ms. Hankins declining a dance with Fuchs… that party truly was where romance went to die.

• “I’m 8 years younger than you.” – “You didn’t used to be.” Bahahaha, you geriatric cuties, I can’t help but love ya.

• I love the brother-sister relationship of the Snooty Twins (I have no idea if they’re twins, but wouldn’t that be nice?). I love that she reassured him that there are always ways to defy their mother. Seems like girl has been THROUGH IT. 

• Mary. Divorce, babe. Divorce. 

• Georgiana found Arthur to reassure him that even though she’s getting married, she’ll still have time for him, and GIRL. GIRL? Seriously. Girl. You have to know.

• The height of Creepy Preacher’s hubris truly knows no bounds. Him taking credit for the good moods of his sister and hopeless pupil was hilarious. They are HORNY, dude. 

• “Since neither of us have the least bit of romantic interest in each other, it’s refreshingly uncomplicated.” For real, I am loving this shipper-based friendship so much. You all KNOW I love me some angsty pining, but it’s also nice to see two people who just like to be around each other and don’t necessarily want to smash their mouths together. 

• Sir StankButt approached little Leo like an actual predator. Kudos to Jack Fox. Seriously. This man is straddling the creepy / charming line so well, and it is deeply unsettling. 

• Harry’s “Thank you, Mother,” drop-kicked me right in the chest. This was such a well-acted scene from both Emma Fielding and Edward Davis, and I shall be pursuing legal action for my medical bills (have ya’ll ever been drop-kicked in the chest??? It hurts!)

• “I worry what my family might think. My brother, Mary.” Hey guys, remember Diana? The show sure doesn’t! 

• “I must apologize for stealing her from you, Ms. Colbourne.” Ralph is a sweet li’l uncarved pumpkin, and I truly wish him all the best. Charlotte has like 19 sisters, pick one of them!

• In a Gab n’ Gossip, Lady Susan mentioned she was ready to leave Sanditon, so her new bestie orchestrated a race for her, like she used to do in her wild days. I tried my best to do a Ben Hur joke, but to my eternal shame, it didn’t work. Then I thought maybe Chariots of Fire, but did you guys know that movie is about running??????

• How did the word steth-o-scope give me butterflies??? The way Fuchs described being able to hear someone’s heart, and the way Ms. Hankins was like “you can listen to MY heart anytime” (with her eyes), was almost TOO cute?? First grouse, now stethoscope. How does this show keep turning niche words into adorably sexy harbingers of love?

• Okay, so last recap I admonished Colbourne for smooching a fianced woman, and ALL OF YOU said that SHE kissed HIM. Go to the tape, ya’ll, he leaned in first!!! Now, I’ll grant that she was INTO IT, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he was complicit in the smooching of a woman he by rights should not have smooched. Your honour, I rest my case.

• In case you need a picture of an adorable man in a magnificent moustache in the throes of the crushing defeat of trying to engage with a teenager:

COOL THAT’S IT FROM ME THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR STICKING AROUND!!