Sanditon 3.5 Photo-Recap: You Give Love a Bad Name

We’re in the endgame now.

My goodness, things are HAPPENING. All good things, obviously, heh heh, no one we love is dying, everything’s fiiiiiiiiiiine, don’t even worry about it.

Okay, so maybe Augusta experienced some shattering heartbreak, and Arthur refused being a side-piece, and Georgiana’s mom was offered money to leave, and Mary has a deadly fever, but… I mean, none of that is SERIOUS, right? RIGHT? The show won’t do that to us, not after everything we’ve been through. No, she’ll be fine, everyone will be fine. so don’t even worry about it.

IT’S FINE, I said. 

(right?)

Charlotte couldn’t leave and go get married to a brussel sprout sandwich when there was drama afoot in Sanditon! She reassured him that it would just be ONE (1) more day of living her life the way she wanted, and then she would commit herself to being his boring bride for the rest of their boring lives. Yay!

Because Augusta and Leo had become the best of adorable li’l besties, Leo knew where she was headed, and spilled the beans to her OTHER bestie, Fun Uncle Sam. It’s funny how influential Leo has become over my emotions – anyone they love, I love. Full stop. 

Arthur tried to convince Georgiana not to marry his crush, but she was pretty set on her plan. Here’s the thing about this situation: neither of them are wrong. It’s easy to look at it from the comfort of our 21st century treehouses and say she shouldn’t be forsaking her love and Arthur’s feelings… but like I said last recap, this was a different time. She’s already been through so much, no one can blame her for wanting some protection. And in my girl’s defense, she clearly didn’t know about Arthur’s feelings until after the reveal. AAAAAANNNNNDDDD the “love” we’re meant to be rooting for has been shady in the past, it’s perfectly understandable she wouldn’t want to trust him, especially after being bamboozled by Lockheart. There’s just… there’s a lot raging within our sassy girl! 

On the flip side, no one can blame Arthur for wanting to smooch an unmarried man! They had plans! There was a cabin! (If we don’t get to see that cabin in the last episode, I demand at least three of you write fanfiction about it and send it to me)

Helloooooooooo Ms. Georgiana’s Mom!!!! Welcome!

EEEEIIIIIEEEEEEKKKKKK!!! We all knew who this woman was the instant she appeared on screen, but the way she just stood stoically while the drama went down solidified her legitimacy. You could feel the sass coming off her and she didn’t even have to say anything! Those are Georgiana’s genes FOR SURE. 

Mary crashed Georgiana’s in-law brunch to introduce her to her mom, and our girl was not pleased about it, believing her to be just another fortune hunter. **sad face** She’s honestly been through so much, who can blame her??

Well, well, well, it seems a certain returned hunk from season 1 was responsible for tracking down Georgiana’s mom and reuniting them. This earned him some dreamboat points.

Her mom’s story was, of course, heartbreaking. She was sold and couldn’t keep her baby, then was brought to England with her new master (uuuuuggggghhhhhhhh, show, stop making me write things that make me feel dirty!) and fought for her freedom. She said she doesn’t want anything from her daughter except some mother-daughter snuggles, and Georgiana (and I) believed her.

Look. I’m happy with this scene: Charlotte once again speaking her mind about how Colbourne could have and can still handle the situation with understanding and respect. I love that she went full feminist and said Augusta should have the right too choose for herself. I love that she admitted the reason she advised her to follow her heart is because of how badly her own situation suuuuuuuuuucks. 

That being said, how amazing would it have been if we got a full 3 minute scene of them awkwardly glancing at each other and then someone farted. IMAGINE??? I think even Austen herself would get a kick out of that. 

Our girl was VERY ready to (as Creepy Preacher stated in season 1) have her blooming flower plucked. But Sir BarfButt was suddenly very sleepy and insisted they both take naps. Don’t worry Augusta, I’m sure he just needs to think about drowning puppies, or waterboarding nuns or whatever it is that turns this man on. 

Get you a man who will take your advice for the betterment of his interpersonal relationships!! Upon finding his niece shacked up with a rogue, he gave them his blessing, as long as they did it properly. Aaaaaaaaaand as long as she listened to his slam poetry about how awesome she is. For a man of few words, he sure gushed about his fav niece! 

OOOOOKKKKAAAYYYYYY let’s get into it. First of all, when Sir GrubbyHands said he’s never loved anyone the way he loves Augusta, I believed him. Not because I think he’s actually in love with her, or that his intentions aren’t gross, but because he’s never loved anyone in his life. He used Esther, tried to bamboozle his aunt, let’s not get started with Clara, and he even lied to his supposed brothers in the army. We’ve never seen this man show any inkling of love towards another human being. So, yes, this hint of, let’s say protective affection towards Augusta is the most he’s ever felt for anyone. 

That protective affection led him to destroy her love for him by being truly awful. He had to go all-out, else our sweet girl wouldn’t move on. If he told the truth, that Colbourne was right (that she’s too good for him), she’d resent her uncle for coming between them. So, he had to go nuclear. 

And judging by the look he gave Colbourne before launching his attack, and the way both Colbourne and Charlotte stood back and let it happen, I’m sure all three of them knew exactly what was going on. Otherwise, I don’t think there’s any way Charlotte would have kept quiet, and I’m also sure Colbourne would have thrown him out the window for hurting his niece like that. But they all knew it had to be done. 

Okay last thing! The way Colbourne calmly explained to Augusta that she essentially deserves more than this, but it’s ultimately her choice, LIT MY WHOLE BODY AFLAME. The way this man has GROWN over these two seasons, my GOODNESS. *fans self with an ice burg* Hopefully our broken-hearted sassy goddess will bounce back soon. (Augusta spin-off, anyone?) 

The way this man seeks her approval and respect is A LOT for my loins to handle, you guys. She gave him a gold star, and he said he would’ve respected Augusta’s decision, just as he must accept Charlotte’s (LOL, sure bud). 

I just…………. Why, though? Why? Sanditon? Why? Why did you do this AGAIN? Mary confronted Tom about the eviction notices given to the people in the old town, and Tom fired back that every shitty thing he does is for her. Way to shirk responsibility AGAIN, Tom! Just blame it on everyone else, great plan! Ugh, this guy. 

Yiiiiiiiiikes. Hey guys, remember last episode when I wrote in defense of Austenian moms and said Lady Snoot had some good points, and maybe we should cut her some slack? Defense RESCINDED, because that bullpoop was just cruel. Girl was AWFUL this episode, throwing shade at Georgiana’s mom because she works for a living and is unmarried (yeah, hi, former SLAVE, how the hell… ugh). And THEN… whooooboy, and then, this monster singles out ARTHUR to give a speech celebrating the marriage of his bestie to his crush, and MY BLOOD BOILED RIGHT OUT OF MY BODY, YOU GUYS. My apologies for the excessive all-caps, but they effectively convey my rage. Someone put a stink bomb in this lady’s boudoir immediately! 

Georgiana’s intensions were pure in inviting Arthur to reside with them as Harry’s live-in booty call, if not a touch misguided. In her mind, it’s the perfect solution. In Arthur’s mind, he’s being relegated to ‘dirty little secret’. Not great. 

Mary simply could not take all the bullshit anymore, so she promptly put an end to the awkward as eff dinner by passing out (j/k j/k it was the red fever or whatever, laugh through the pain ya’ll). 

I’m a bit confused, but I’m not mad about it. I really thought the show was setting these two up as lovely platonic friends, but it seems they’re going the romance route. I know we have Georgiana and Arthur, but it’s pretty rare to have (straight) opposite-sex besties on television. Don’t get me wrong, I love romance (obviously) (especially friends-to-lovers) but I also like to see all the other iterations love can take: friendship, family, pets, etc. (Yes, you heard me, PETS. Show me your pets, is what I’m saying). This season has so many ships, it was refreshing to see two people just be buds. Last episode our boy even said as much!! But I digress… they smooched. Good for them.  

Lady D ain’t no fool. She knows her nephew. She knows he began his ‘romantic’ campaign with stinky intensions, but she also knows he could have gotten away with it, but chose not to. She saw real affection in him for the first time, and thus he earned some brownie points. 

Oh, owe, owe, shit, I rolled my eyes so hard I now have an eye-roll induced injury. The show gave this man a slow-motion run up the stairs to weep by his wife’s bedside, and then had the AUDACITY to show Charlotte staring at them like, “Oh wow, THAT is what true love is.” 

No, Charlotte. No, show. It is not. 

You all know my thoughts on Tom. You know how disappointed I am that we have to revisit the theme of him learning to trust his loved ones instead of shutting them out or shutting them down. If Mary survives this (she will, right? She will) I hope she has a realization that life is too short to spend it with an asshole. I said what I said!

Ooof. Again, neither one of these men are wrong! Harry was scared and desperate, and this seemed like the best solution for all of them. He’d win his family some money, AND Georgiana would be a shield to protect their romance from discovery. 

The thing is, as Harry so aptly put it himself, Arthur is incapable of lying. He’s a good man with an honourable heart, and he cannot live in the shadows as a kept man. 

Rallllllllllllpppphhhhhhhhhh!!! Sweet, lovely, sensible Ralph. Inspired by the show of true love she’d witnessed (barf), Charlotte told the truth about her wants and desires, specifically how they don’t include him. He was all, “Is it because I’m essentially the human equivalent of wet melba toast?” And she was like, “Sorta.” And he was like, “Fair enough.” He was SO COOL about it. Sweet boy. 

Oh no you DON’T, madam! Lady Snoot offered Georgiana’s mom money to scram so she doesn’t subject their family to gossip. Tale as old as time. I suppose we saw this coming from ten thousand miles away, but it’s still enraging. At this point we don’t know whether or not she accepted, but I suspect it would take a lot more than a bribe and some rich-lady guilt to make this woman leave her daughter. 

My crush Dr. Fuchs told everyone that Mary may not last the night, but he’s just joshing because there is NO WAY. 

Right?

Yeahhhhhh, she’ll be okay.

RIGHT?

How are you guys feeling??? I know most people got the passport and were able to immediately start the next episode to find out Mary’s fate. Full disclosure, I have the passport, but I paused to write each recap before moving on to the next (yes, it was a very specific form of torture, yes, I do accept all your thoughts and prayers). So, as of posting this recap, I know what happens in the end, but as of writing this RIGHT NOW, my heart is very anxious for all of our beloved characters. I just want them all to be happy SO BAD. 

If you are one of those lucky guns who has known what happens all along, thank you for not spoiling those who waited week-to-week. If you are going week-to-week, HOW ARE YOU RIGHT NOW???? 

As I’ve said before (as a kind of mantra) the more hurt the feelings, the better the happy ending. Of course, that’s not the case for all, in fact most, TV, but this is Austen! Sure, she didn’t write it, but I have every faith that the show is following the spirit of her stories. All will end well.

RIGHT???

• Do I detect some doubt in our intrepid Lady D? Mr. Price talked about packing up her estate and moving to his place, and she did not seem pleased at the idea.  

• Sooooo, we all think Charlotte and Colbourne knew exactly what Sir SludgeButt was doing, right?? That he was White Fanging her. 

• Mama snoot essentially admitted that Harry will cheat on her. “Men need to roam.” Georgiana’s face was amazing in this scene. “Uh huh, yeah girl, I know.”  

• Man, Charlotte is so dang smart. Finding them through Regency Uber Eats? Genius. 

• “You are no longer the Tom Parker I married.” Yeah, he used to be a lovable boob in love with a town, and now he’s a gaslighting villain. I never thought I’d miss season one Tom who didn’t pay his employees and ruined Charlotte’s happiness, but here we are.

• For real, though, imagine if this season we saw Tom grow the way we’ve seen Colbourne grow? If he learned the lesson(s) from previous seasons and legitimately asked Mary for advice? And actually LISTENED? If the two of them showed a united front and negotiated with Price? What we could have had…

• “I cannot feel anything but love for you. That’s what makes this so hard.” Ralph, I am available!! Come here, you lovable cup of fat-free plain yogurt! I’ll make it all better.

• “I would sooner live alone than live a lie.” If these two men don’t get the happiest of endings, then we RIOT AT DAWN.

• I loved Charlotte’s clap-back on the word “ruined”. Yeah, girl, eff the patriarchy! 

• Even during a crisis the Presidents of the Shipper Association / Assembly will always find time to ship. 

• “Oh, you’re not married. How original.” Emma Fielding joins the long line of Sanditon villains whom you can tell are having the time of their lives portraying a baddie. Jack Fox, Kevin Eldon, Alexander Vlahos, season one Lily Sacofsky, even season one Anne Reid… these people are killing it being so deliciously detestable. 

GREAT THAT’S IT FROM ME THANKS FOR COMING PLEASE STAY SAFE OUT THERE!