Welp. Close, but no cigar.
Is anyone else shamefully delighted about how totally effed our Adventure Squad is right now? Things are looking DIRE, and let’s be honest, that’s just how we like our things to be. Let’s think back to season 2 when Clarke stood in front of the mountain all alone. Or in season 1 when all the Adventure Squad had was a teen shanty against an army of Grounders. And that turned out… well, really quite horrible in both instances… BUT AWESOME, right??
It really did seem like all the pieces of the plan were fitting into place, didn’t it? Monty and Harper did sex together, Raven was hacking ALIE, Luna was going to become one with the Matrix Bug, The Beautiful Creepster was going to destroy the backpack… and then it all went to shit. Man, I love it when that happens. This show just does it so well!!
As Bellamy so eloquently put it, what now? Every aspect of their plan went horribly wrong. Just epically bad. Total disaster. Complete failure. What a charming romp! I seriously had so much fun watching everything fall apart, because I know this show is going to come up with something mind-blowingly spectacular to save the day and/or completely blow shit up. It’s impossible to know! You think this show is going to zig, and instead it performs River Dance and throws a root beer float in your face. And that’s why we love it. Well, that and the hugs. And the mutant gorilla. And the horrific teen violence. And the quips. And Kane and Abby’s sexual tension. And the… you know what? I could go on all day. I should probably just photo recap.
Then #Pindra flared up, as they are wont to do.
The Beautiful Creepster decided to tag along on Pike and Indra’s date to go find Jaha’s backpack. Ohhhh…. Maybe it’ll be one of those secret picnic backpacks, where you open it and there’s wine and cheese and burgers and laffy taffy.
Meanwhile in the City of Light, everyone was enjoying the comforts, fashion, and probably artisan lattes of our present day.
Seriously, what are people doing in the City of Light? Do they have jobs? Is there a City of Light mail service? Are there City of Light cops, or street-meat vendors? It looks like a very chill, peaceful place, but boring as all heck. DO NOT sign me up!
OF COURSE there’s a beat poetry night. Of course there is. Anyway, the Squad tried to convince Luna to become one with the Matrix Bug.
No dice! This girl is NOT into the idea of leaving her oil rig commune.
Raven got all Jonny Lee Miller circa 1995 (talkin’ about Hackers, people), and was typing VERY quickly, and was all gung-ho about shutting ALIE down herself. Monty talked her off the ledge, then got a very steamy proposition.
I have no idea where this came from, and I DO NOT care. It’s about time Monty got some, and to have it be with someone as awesome as Harper? Yes please! Was it necessarily earned through the narrative? Not really. There was zero build-up to this. BUT, sometimes life doesn’t have build-up. Sometimes one awesome teen just wants to sex up another awesome teen. Get it, girl!
Speaking of teen romance, Jasper headed into Flirtville with the beat poet.
Buuuuuut, romance time was over, so Raven busted up Monty and Harper’s cuddle sesh.
In one of their more terrible decisions, the Adventure Squad thought it was totally cool to force the Matrix Bug into Luna without her consent. (CONSENT IS VERY IMPORTANT IN ALL SITUATIONS, FRIENDS!)
BOOM! It was far fetched to imagine Luna, a Grounder and a Nightblood, wouldn’t be totally kickass, but it was still a little startling to see her OWN Clarke so hard. “I didn’t flee the conclave because I thought I would lose, I fled because I knew I would win.” Dammmnnnnn you guys.
Hahahaha… peace. On The 100. Truly laughable.
Anyway, then the chipped captain of the barge turned coat and locked our Adventure Squad in a shipping container and attacked Luna.
Then the beat-poet was shot!
The chipped d-bags WATER BOARDED LUNA! Dudes, this was super hard to watch. Girl was just chilling out on her oil rig, sipping some green-ginger tea and doing some hot yoga, when these butt-holes show up and throw a rag over her face to simulate DROWNING. Yikes. Then her misguided boyfriend took the Matrix cracker in order to save her. *sigh* That’s how they getcha.
Raven, meanwhile, was still at it, typing AT LEAST 80 words per minute. If all else fails, this girl has a job as a court recorder, no problem. Anyway, she decided to go ahead and land a death blow to ALIE, the plan be damned. Buuuuuuuut, Jaha had a despicable ace up his sleeve.
He deleted her! Remember how we all assumed Monty was staying behind to sabotage the destruction of ALIE so he could save his Mom? Well we should BE ASHAMED OF OURSELVES. That boy did not hesitate to get rid of her. You know why? Because within Monty Green beats the lion heart of a true hero!
Raven was about to pull the plug, buuuuuutttttt…
FAIL! ALIE pulled herself out just in time. (The one time in history the pulling out method has worked – BOOYEAH)
Pike and Indra’s romantic evening ended up as a double date with the Beautiful Creepster and Emori. ALIE’s backpack was ripe for the destroying. The only problem was the nuclear whatsit that would kill everyone if was hit, because of course.
I honestly enjoy the whole ‘coach on the sidelines’ approach ALIE has as her existence. She can’t do anything but stand there and give monotone encouragements as her little league team tries their best to impress her.
The Beautiful Creepster couldn’t smash the backpack if it meant erasing Emori’s mind (aww), so Pike’s Stupid Face did it. Alas, too little too late. They had used the escape pod to hook ALIE up IN SPACE!
Back at the ol’ oil rig, Luna kick-assed her way out of torture, and accidentally killed her boyfriend.
She drugged them, anddid NOT take the flame! Girl is really set in her ways.
DELIGHTFUL! What a hopeless situation! ALIE is basically unstoppable, they don’t have access to her at all, and they’ve pissed off the one person who could help them. Haha, oh Adventure Squad. The pickles you get yourselves into!
Now, I would be remiss if I didn’t talk a bit about Pike’s Stupid Face becoming someone we’re cheering for. The old adage “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” has always worked out for us on this show because it brought us Anya, Lexa, Indra, a look into Polis and all sorts of awesomeness. It even brought us a brief alliance with the creepiest man born of woman, the Mountain King. We loved it because these characters were fierce, kickass and complex. Unlikely partnerships are my jam, you guys. Which is why this whole Pike’s Stupid Face thing has me so conflicted! On the one hand, he’s an unredeemable garbage human being. On the other, it’s interesting to see the dynamic of our heroes allying, out of necessity, with someone we don’t like.
Anyway, all of this, even the addition of Pike’s Stupid Face into our hero roster, has me very, very excited for next week.
- How does ALIE know that my late boyfriend Sinclair is dead??? No one on the Adventure B-Squad is chipped, because then ALIE would have known what they were doing from the get-go. So how?? HUH?? HOW????
- I would like to clarify again that I think Michael Beach is very handsome, and probably a really cool dude. When I refer to his character as “Pike’s Stupid Face”, I’m pointing out his METAPHORICAL stupid face, because his real-life face is quite nice to look at.
- This episode was co-written by Kira Snyder and Lauren Muir, who happens to be making her professional TV writing debut (if I’m not mistaken). Well done, ladies! High fives, all round.
- “Emori, you know you can correct your defects here.” – “I would, if I had any.” I love that girl and her ninja turtle hand.
- Remember Wick? *siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* I wonder if he’s in the City of Light. I wonder if he’s been scrounging for parts for a month. I wonder if his shirt is on.
- Monty’s little “oh my God” when Harper was leading him away for sexy times might be the most adorable this show has ever been.
- When was the last time you were forced to do a burpee? *shudder*
[Originally Posted May 2016 on tv.com]