I started watching Game of Thrones late. Astonishingly, I didn’t know any spoilers, even though I live in a world with the internet. I wrote my reactions to my pal Liana over Facebook, because, well, that’s what we do.
In celebration of the season four debut, I give you a slight refresher course of Game of Thrones, through my mad-woman ranting and shocked expletives. [WARNING – there are swears]
Season 2 & 3 shall be in different posts, coming soon.
Here we go!
Starting Game of Thrones….
Bah! Monsters are scary!
The opening credits are cool, but they’re crazy long. Who okayed this?? I have to pee and the show hasn’t even started.
I’m uncomfortable. There’s a lot of weird incestual sexual energy going on. The platinum blonde guy just felt up his naked sister. What’s that about?
I’m also confused by who’s a Stark and who’s not.
WHAT IS WITH THE INCEST??? Are they really twins, or do they just tell people that???
The Queen was just making some jungle-love to her handsome twin brother (who by the way, reminds me of Prince Charming from the Shrek movies. I keep expecting him to pout and say “but mummy!”).
I am CONFUSED. What the eff is going on here???
Incest Twin pushed the boy out the window because he saw them going at it like sweaty teenagers. What a dick.
Super Blonde had to marry Tarzan and he essentially raped her. Is this what this show is? Uncomfortable and disturbing sexual acts?
Oh, and Sean Bean did some stuff and now he has to leave.
And the King’s son looks like a wiener.
I don’t know if I’m going to enjoy this show as much as everyone keeps saying I will. I’ll keep going and see if I get more invested. I do rather enjoy the oldest Stark son (not the bastard, although he’s interesting).
I like the midget brother. He has a lot of sex and says snarky things.
Oh. I get it. Game of Thrones. Cause they’re all… yeah, I see what they did there. They all want that epic throne? hmmmm interesting I did NOT pick up on that. I think I was distracted by all the boobs. Lots of boobs.
I like the little girl who keeps getting into mischief. She’s sassy.
Is the mom being a bitch to the bastard son just because he’s a bastard? Or is there something else going on there? I mean, it’s not HIS fault that Sean Bean cheated on her and came home with a baby. And he seems like a sweet kid. He really cares about his half-siblings! That scene with him and the girl, when he gave her the small sword, that was really touching.
Oh my! The super blonde just asked some chick how to please her husband, and when he came in, she was all, “uh uh, I wanna see your face.” and it was HOOOOOOOTTTTTT. Shit, bitch. At first I thought there was gonna be a lesbian love story. That slave girl seemed pretty comfortable on top of Super Blonde.
Also, the prince, or whatever the fuck he is (incest twin’s son) is a douche.
UGH The whole royal family is just a bunch of dicks! The son is essentially Draco Malfoy with a sword, and the stupid bitch incest twin is such a stupid bitch
she just made them kill the wolf-dog. I hate her and her stupid incest bitch face.
Oh, and I still love the oldest son of Sean Bean. I don’t know if it’s too early in the game to call a DREAMBOAT ALERT, but I’m doing it! Hello, Robb Stark, my name’s Toni. Let’s have some ice cream.
The other dude, Super Blonde’s brother – he’s a bag of dicks. When he was like, “I would let the whole army fuck you in that’s what it takes” I was like, “Oh, I hope you die horribly.”
I have to admit, I’m into it. It was kind of off-putting at first, but I’m curious to know where the story goes, and I do like a lot of the characters, good or bad.
Like, the incest twins (which still make me super uncomfortable) are sort of intriguing. They CAN’T be really brother and sister, right??? Or, if they are, what in the hell made them become sexy-friends???? I HAVE TO KNOW!
And the bastard son is quite dreamy. I’d like to know how he turns out.
And the incest twin’s brother, the “imp”, is hella-awesome. I really hope it’s not him that ordered the assassin to kill the young dude that climbed the wall. It’s pretty sad that he’s a cripple now.
Oh, and Sean Bean gave his youngest daughter a sword fighting coach. That made me really happy. She’s a spit-fire.
I kinda want Super Blonde and Tarzan to just go off by themselves and be happy in a forest. I’m really liking her. She’s getting into her role as Queen of the Jungle. “The next time you raise a hand on me, will be the last time you have hands.” SHIT, Super Blonde!
Super blonde’s brother is a butt head. I want to punch him in the face over and over, which means that guy is such a great actor!
He’s actually Will Scarlett from Robin Hood, and he was an amazing character that I loved. So the fact that I now hate him means he’s very talented.
I’m a little confused as to why the girls went with Sean Bean to live in the Capital, and the boys stayed behind. Is it because the red-head is to one day marry the blonde little douche?
I also love the bastard. Like, LOVE him! Not in the way I love Daryl Dixon, but it’s getting close. He just made sure that no one on the wall harmed the ‘coward’ boy that was brought in. What a hunk!
Holy Effing shit balls!!!! Tarzan just poured liquid gold on Super Blonde’s brother, while Super Blonde just stood there watching!!!! That was such an amazing scene. Holy fuck, Harry Lloyd is such a great actor! When he backed off with that weird smile and was like, “That’s all I wanted, what was promised.” Then his screams as they held him. Yikes! It gave me chills! I can’t believe he’s dead. I thought he was a major character throughout the whole series.
And Super Blonde was awesome in this episode! She ate a f*cking heart, and she learned Tarzan’s language.
“He’s no dragon. Fire can’t kill a dragon.”
Fuuuuuuuck, Super Blonde! Remind me never to cut in line in front of YOU in the supermarket, am I right?
Other stuff happened, too, but it was overshadowed by Super Blonde’s GD awesomeness.
Oh yeah, Sean Bean is the Hand again. I guess I care about that a little.
Oh, and the Imp was locked up by Kat’s crazy sister. I mean seriously, I think that girl invented “crazy eyes”. And was she BREAST FEEDING her pre-teen bitch of a son? Shit is getting inappropriate up in here! I mean, honestly guys, boundaries.
That guy fought for the Imp and won and now they’re best friends, I guess? I’m into it. I like both those dudes.
I missed the Bastard this episode, though. Where’s that hunky sword-fighting dream boat, huh? Sitting on a wall somewhere being handsome? Fine, do what you gotta do, Snow.
Okay but really, Sean Bean can’t be the first person to notice that the little douche is blonde. I mean… RIGHT? Literally everyone else in the King’s family has brown hair, and then he pops out a blonde kid, and he doesn’t have questions about it? Is that really the only evidence that Joffery is actually the son of the incest twins? His frosted tips?? But seriously, blonde hair isn’t proof of anything. Unless genetics work differently in their universe. There are dragons, after all.
Ohhhhh Sean Bean just layed it all out for the Bitch Queen. He knows she’s a incest-er, and she was all, “what of it?” and he was like, “seriously though, that’s gross and you should leave.” and she was like, “You play the Game of Thrones and you either win or you die. And that’s the title of the show, so I get the last word.” (I’m paraphrasing here). It was very tense.
baaahahah I love Snow’s best buddy.
“It’s just, I always wanted to be a Ranger.”
“I always wanted to be a wizard.”
haha. What a card.
Also, super pissed for Snow right now. He’s clearly the best fighter out of all of them and now he has to be a steward. What a bum wrap.
Ugh, Little Finger. I was wondering when he’d show his true colours.
I see your TRUUUUUEEE COLOURS, SHINING THROUGH, LITTLE FINGER! YOUR TRUE COLOURS, THAT’S WHY I HATE YOU….
Snow took his vows. What a waste of a dreamboat. Ah well, I’m sure he’ll be very brave against the creepy White Walkers. Also, the wolf brought back a hand, so… I’m sure there’ll be drama surrounding that.
There was a full-on dink shot in this episode. SO RACY! It was the guy that tried to poison Super Blonde, they tied him to a horse and made him walk naked behind it, with his dink just a-bouncing! Seriously, is that what happens when dudes walk? If I were a fellow, I would wear briefs FOR SURE. I’d wanna tuck that little guy back in safety.
I’m a bit confused about Super Blonde’s friend, the guy who sold slaves and was banished by Sean Bean. He got a letter saying he was pardoned. Does that mean HE’S the assassin??? But then, who was the wine guy, just a random assassin that HAPPENED to be there? Are there a bunch of assassins on the job? Is it a race?
Tarzan was pretty adorable with Super Blonde this episode. “Moon of my life.” I mean, it’s a bit cheesy for my tastes, but she seemed to like it. And then he RANTED about getting into the game (the Game of Thrones, that is). He really gave it some gusto. I bet he slept really well after that.
OH NO OH NO OH NO! The dancing teacher!!!!
Oh man, shit is getting real. For example, my crush on Rob Stark… yum! The White Walkers are for sure back now. One of them tried to eat Snow. YIKES! (and creepy)
She’s going about it the wrong way, but at least her heart’s in the right place. Although, she hasn’t asked about her sister once.
Oh my… fucking… WHAT????
They just beheaded Sean Bean!!!
Is that ALLOWED?
Isn’t he the star?? Oh my… but… WHAT?
So many upsetting things happened this episode!
Sean Bean betrayed his honor and told LIES in front of everyone! He said that the blonde douche is the true king when he is NOT
Now he’s dead!
And Arya and whatsherface had to watch!
And Tarzan is hurt and dying!
And Super Blonde is going to into labour, and had to be brought into the weird ghost tent, which is sure to have repercussions later.
Holy shitballs!
I’m upset. This show has upset me.
I’m mad at you, Game of Thrones.
Oh, and Snow found out that his brother is marching to war, and has to stay at the stupid wall because he took his stupid vows.
The only good thing that happened is that the Imp has a new ‘whore’ girlfriend and he didn’t die in the fight, and Rob Stark is still dreamy.
I hope whatsherface doesn’t marry the blonde douche king. That marriage would be so awkward. I’d bring it up any time he wanted anything from me.
“Honey, could you pass the peas?”
“Remember that time you beheaded my Dad? Get the peas yourself.”
EWWWWW Does the Queen only have sex with her immediate family? Now that the incest twin is away, she’s sleeping with their skinny blonde cousin.
The douche king made whatshername look at the head of her dead father on a stick.
I hope he dies soon. Although I suppose if all the people I wanted dead died, there would be no conflict, and thus no show.
Can’t we make this a show about Tarzan, and call it, Super Blonde, Queen of the Jungle?? (Even though they live in a desert)
Nevermind, Tarzan is dead.
*sigh* That was an incredibly sad scene. Super Blonde had to put a pillow over his face! Ugh. Come on, Game of Thrones. Gimme a break.
Hahaha the old dude fakes being super old?? I mean, he’s obviously old, but he fakes being feeble. What a strange and interesting fellow!
Super Blonde is the coolest fucking shit.
She just walked into Tarzan’s death-fire and chilled out till it burnt out, then stood up and was like, “No big deal. What these? Oh, they’re just my dragons.”
I’m still sad about Tarzan’s death. I mean sure, he openly encouraged rape and murder, but what Horse Lord doesn’t?
Is the plan to actually take Arya to take the Black? Cause… there’s a few flaws in that. Or, does that guy just want to fool everyone long enough to drop her off at home?
It would be a bit awkward if Rob (still dreamy) and his mom fought a war to get their daughters back and then showed up and no one was there. Well, whatshername is still there, but it looks like she’s got a case of murder-the-king.
I like that fellow with the face-burns. Who doesn’t love a tortured, handsome, burn victim? (SING ONCE AGAIN FOR ME.. OUR STRANGE DUET… THE PHAAAAAAAANTOM OF THE OPERA IS THERE… INSIDE YOUR MIND!)
Remember when I was like, “I’m not sure I’m gonna like this show.”
Toni Watches 
ORIGINAL POST COMMENTS:
kelechilalfredigbokwe
May 10, 2014
Really enjoyed your reactions! The feels!!!
mori1bund
Apr 08, 2014
“Oh, I hope you die horribly.” (about Viserys)
-& Ha! Be careful what you wish for! ^^
LucaGavello
Apr 11, 2014
What, he died beautifully! 😉
TanvirReza
Apr 08, 2014
This is an awesome piece of writing, thoroughly enjoyed it from start to finish. Someone should seriously do this for episode reviews for some TV shows.
RayMars
Apr 08, 2014
Love your comments! Some definitely reflect my thoughts while watching the show, which I’ve just started recently but couldn’t stop, so in the end it turned out as the longest-marathon-of-watching-three-seasons-in-a-few-days.
“Who is who? Urgh, incest! What’s happening? I don’t like them, well, now I do. This isn’t happening??? He is dead, he is not important? Stupid child! Ha, not that old! Please die soon!” are just some of the reflections. Should have done this as well, damn… 😉
The conversation between douche king and whatsherfacename as a married couple could be a pretty entertaining running gag. “Honey, who was that at the door?” – “Remember that time you beheaded my Dad? Go look for yourself!” (Need more situations for that…)
obryan20
Apr 08, 2014
Excellent article! Keep them coming.
(This was so good/hilarious, I HAD to leave a comment, even though I have never posted before. LOL.)
patsully
Apr 07, 2014
Nicely done!
At first I thought it was going to be tongue in cheek throughout, but I love the progression from skeptical to fan.
Next we’ll need these folks to watch season 1…
Ian281099
Apr 07, 2014
Oddly entertaining and very funny, looking foward to your season 2 recap/reaction.
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