Please, TV Gods, let me know what feat I accomplished in a past life to deserve such a gift as Red Queen. Did I help old ladies cross the street? Was I the one who discovered that the gross thing growing on old food is actually medicine? Did I invent ice cream? Whatever it was, THANK YOU, because HOLY EFFING SHEEZE, ammirght, guys??
I don’t know what to celebrate first. #Mackson? Kane and Abby’s electric sexual tension? Octavia’s kickassery? The spark between Octavia and Niylah, don’t even pretend you don’t feel it! Hmmmm… what else was there… anything of note…? Oh, that’s right!
DING DONG!!! You guys, I swear, I didn’t even bribe any of The 100 writers to make this happen (but like, if I WERE to bribe the writers… what would that look like… no reason, just asking). I’m not even mad he got a tiny redemption. I’m not even mad it made me cry (you do NOT get to judge me!) Whatever. He’s gone. Bye forever!
Okay, so, worth mentioning – this week’s recap is going to look a bit different. Why, you ask? Well, because I dropped my computer and lost my entire hard drive and it is now an empty shell and yes, I DID lose a bunch of other recaps I was working on, and some other writing and pictures, and everything is fine, I’m totally fine, I’m not currently wearing a onesie crying into my NKOTB pillow, sucking on my thumb and somehow also a popsicle. ANYWAY – I’m writing this on a borrowed computer, so it’s going to look different, and everything is fine, I’m fine.
The episode began with Octavia and Miller sparring, so 30 seconds in it was already a win. Then Indra busted in like the tough-love stage mom she is.
Ahhhhh Indra. What a pleasure it is to see you. Oh and hello there Gaya! Still somehow being the only known human in the universe who can make ‘preachy’ look awesome? Great. Good to see you.
After an exchange which suggested Gaya isn’t 100% on board with the new leadership, Indra took Octavia to a staff meeting where everyone was being snippy, and Octavia seemed immediately very over it.
But then they heard a russtlin’ from above, which we know from last week’s episode was Clarke. Man oh man, this was tough. We saw Kane and Abby try and fail to open the hatch (sorry, brotha), and we also learned that they are still on the outs because of that one time she had a fight with him in her dream and then woke up and yelled at him for it. Oh, no wait, that was me and the wombat I live with. She was was still mad that he took away her choice of whether to live or die.
What Abby SAID was, “put your damn helmet on,” but what the writers left out was, “because I’m too distracted by your unyielding sexiness that I can’t concentrate.” We feel you, Abby. We feel you.
For real, though, this was HAAAAAARD. We knew from last week that Clarke was screaming “Mom”, and at the same time Abby was screaming “Clarke!” and that hurt my chest, you guys.
Then Kane and Abby’s Sexual Tension held a super fun meeting where they informed the class about all of their impending doom.
This lady was so mad at Octavia! Maybe she ALSO had a dream about them fighting. Orrrrr her husband was kicked out of the bunker to be engulfed in a death fire. Either one. Jaha continued to smarm at them all until, in a beautifully sassy tone, Octavia told him to pitter patter and skedadder. Then the think-tank decided on half-rations in order to maintain their food supply.
I can’t wait for the inevitable “who had it worse” drinking game the Adventure Squad is going to play.
Because this show knows there’s no way to endear us to Jaha by himself, they gave him a child (remember that guy from the season 4 finale who Jaha got riled up, and then he was like, “please, man I’ve been on speaking terms with for maybe half an hour, if I don’t make it, take care of my son”). So, Jaha made good on his promise, and now he’s “Uncle Theo“, because I guess this kid can’t pronounce Thiderpiponeious. Anyway, Jaha took this opportunity to throw it in Kane’s face that his surrogate-kid is hungry.
Oh and ALSO,
#MACKSON HAS HAPPENED. I repeat, MACKSON HAS HAPPENED. Boy oh boy, that was exciting news. We needed that, you know what I mean? The world needed that. Do I wish we got to see them falling in love, or maybe their first kiss and all that? Yes, of course. Do I trust that there will be a spin-off flashback special devoted to this? Yes. I do.
Jackson’s bonding sesh with Abby was interrupted by a totally legit medical emergency.
This lady’s medical emergency was but a diversion! She locked the doors, essentially murdering everyone outside. Girl doesn’t want to give up her food! I have never felt more connected to an antagonist than this very moment. BUT my empathy was cut short when she knocked out and locked up our precious Kane and Abby’s Sexual Tension.
This lady, whose name we have learned is Kara, did not give a single sweet eff about all the medical jargon Abby was throwing at her. Abby was all, “their deaths are going to be the most horrific you could possibly imagine, just straight-up terrible, the stuff of nightmares, really,” and Kara was all, “and?” Haha, I’m gonna like this lady! Should I get attached? Should I give her a nickname? Hmmm… Karanater? We’ll workshop it.
Meanwhile, Jaha was reading to Replacement Wells and helping out everyone’s favourite traveling saleswoman (seriously, Niylah is so cool), when some Grounders busted in and roughed them up a bit. But then Octavia also busted in and roughed THEM up a bit, and temporarily forgot what show she’s on, because she was all, “No one has to die, that’s so dramatic.”
I don’t know if it’s specifically how over Jaha I am, but I just plum did not care about this relationship. Did I care about the child? Yes, I’m not a monster (mostly). But just like the charming mutated child from season 2 the show tried to use to make Jaha more likable, it only succeeded in making me like the kid. I’m sorry OKAY, but just think, this is the last recap you have to indulge me complaining about him!! YAYYYYYYYY.
HAHAHAHA, words out of his own mouth: “they have everything they need to survive… except me.” I love that he was true to his narcissism to the very end. He came up with a plan to divert the whatsit to the thing with the gadget, and Indra was like, “are you hurt?” and Jaha was all, “tis but a scratch”, and my heart was like, “don’t even dare to dream, Toni.”
Then Octavia finally found the courage to stand up to her Stage Mom.
She took off the commander costume to blend in with the grounders and get Jaha to the whatsit, and at this point you could see her step-sister Gaya’s heart warming. I LOVE THOSE TWO.
Okay, yes, fine. This was good. Jaha was right. And yes, typing that did make me physically ill. If he opened the door right then, all of Skikru, including Kane and Abby’s Sexual Tension and our precious Jackson would have died. Fine. Point Jaha. AND YES – his monologue about his actions on the Ark was apropos to this current situation, so maybe that was good advice. Look, I already said I wasn’t mad that he was awarded a sliver of redemption, so why are we still talking about this?
Meanwhile, Kane and Abby’s Sexual Tension was lighting up our tv screens and our hearts.
YESSSSSSSSSSSS raise your hand if you squealed with immeasurable delight when these two went in for their kiss, and keep that hand proudly in the air if you screamed FOR THE LOVE OF, COME ON! when they were denied it.
Outside, the grounders were lookin’ for a kerfuffle and boy oh boy did they find it.
And then Octavia murdered SO MUCH!! Oh man, that probably felt so good. It had been months since she got to murder someone.
This rando extra ain’t no fool!!!! Then they all bowed to her because WHO WOULDN’T, and she strolled into the cafeteria all, “recess is over, nerds.”
This was amazing, no? “You are Wonkru or you are the enemy of Wonkru.” I just… *stands* *claps* *brushes off crumbs before sitting back down, wheezing*
Then, as cheers erupted across the land, Jaha took his last breath.
Look, I know I’ve always been super subtle about it in my recaps, so let me be perfectly clear: I have not liked Jaha since season 1, and even then he was JUST OKAY. Am I glad he’s gone? Yes, of course. Can I maybe see the value the character brought to the plot at times? Sure, yeah. And I even tip my hat to the show for its efforts concerning his redemption. It’s not easy writing a character who NEEDS to be wildly unlikable in order to fulfil a plot, and honestly, this show did its best. They needed Jaha to be a douche with a messiah complex in order to bring about the ALIE plot. Then they needed him to be redeemed in order to find the bunker. Sure. Unfortunately there was just no coming back from the smarmy douchebaggery that the character oozed at every opportunity.
So why, then, did I cry, you ask? Well, because Jaha started talking about Wells, then Abby and Kane were sad, and even Octavia muttered “may we meet again,” and Kane did the whole ceremony thing which reminded us of season 1 when we tolerated Jaha, and it was honestly very well done, OKAY??? I have feelings too.
After witnessing the magnitude of Octavia’s awesomeness, Gaya was all, “fiiiiiiine, let’s do a makeover.”
“The blood of our enemies is your armor.” GAHHHHHHILOVEIT. I simply cannot wait to see where this friendship/sisterhood takes us. So, inspired by her new look, Octavia gathered all the wrong-doers and kindly suggested they fight to the death conclave-style. As one does.
Kara was SO into it! And she WON!! I don’t even care how implausible that is, it’s awesome, and I’m on board. This of course brings us to present day where Octavia is chilling out, watching the death-matches, munching on some popcorn, when who should be in the next group…
How are you guys even doing? How are your stress levels? Are you at peak ice cream consumption? My goodness did this episode deliver everything we have come to love about this beautiful dystopian nightmare factory. Violence, moral quandaries, quippy lines, swoon-worthy romantic pairings, makeup tutorials, strong ladies, and a major character death.
Before we wrap up, there is an issue I’d like to discuss. I said some divisive things last recap that resulted in an all-out twitter war, and it needs to be addressed. This is going to be hard to say, and very emotional, so please bear with me. *deep breath* I will concede that perhaps pink starburst ARE quite delicious, and worth eating. They are the second best starburst, after red. All the others can be thrown into the fire. DON’T @ ME.
Seriously though, a shipper war erupted in my mentions for DAYS about “Becho”, and I kind of loved it? I don’t know, guys, your passion is awesome. I will say this- while your opinions count, and you’re entitled to voice them, please remember to be kind to each other. It doesn’t matter what ship we’re sailing on, we’re all a part of the same armada and OMG I JUST CAME UP WITH THAT, someone write that down! *happy sigh*
- So I guess Wick is dead, huh?
- This show continually hurts my chest. Should I be mad? I can’t be, though. But should I be?
- Abby, what’s up with your health? You okay? Abby? You doing fine? You weren’t in the last scene, and that has me anxious. Are you the reason Kane is about to fight to the death? ABBY?
- Yes that was another Brian Adams reference, and I will never, ever stop.
- What kind of childhood do you think Ethan had being raised by Octavia? How awesome is this kid going to be? How bloodthirsty? How Grounder-thirsty? *wink*
- So Kara is not only still around 6 years later, but she’s landed herself a spot in Octavia’s Emperor’s box. What a little nymph! What should her nickname be? Karasaurus? ShitDisturbkara? Still workshopping.
- Jackson’s first name is ERIC???? Who knew this?? Was this a thing that was known?? What an adorable hero he tried to be this episode, reaching for that gun like the little toaster that could. Jackson is slowly but surely becoming a real boy, and I am PUMPED about it. It’s nothing less than Sachin Sahel deserves. #GetThoseStringsOffJackson
- Thiderpiponeious is pronounced thid-er-pip-own-ee-us. Goodbye, Jaha. May you sanctimoniously pontificate in the giant VIP podium in the sky. Please don’t try to get in on Anya and the Mountain King’s band. It’ll just be awkward when they inevitably reject you after your 7 hour speech on how important you are. Anyway, say hi to Wells and please tell him that I do NOT think he is a wiener!
- Thank you to Isaiah Washington for bringing us the character we all loved to hate.
- In the aforementioned twitter war, A LOT of you were curious about what ship I’m sailing on, and as I’ve said before – ALL OF THEM. I love them all, you guys. Will I squeal in embarrassing delight if Clarke and Bellamy eventually smush their faces together? Of course I will, that would be magic. Am I still super into the Bellamy and Echo pairing? Of course I am, Echo is awesome. Still mad about Riley (the star of the show) and the Gorilla not happening, but we don’t always get what we want.
- Have you ever lost your entire hard-drive, and how much ice cream did it take you to recover emotionally?
[Originally Posted May 2018 on tv.com]