Things are HAPPENING. Violent things! Sexy things! Disturbing things! Confusing things!
We got a flashback episode and we STILL don’t know how deep into the kool-aid punch bowl our girls are. Were they somehow aware of being tested, or did they really think they were knifing Hope in the THROAT? Is Levitt for-realsies in love with Octavia, or is he a big fake faker (I will temper tantrum into your favourite coffee shops I swear to Dolly Parton). Is Echo just being her super-spy self, or is she really buying in so that she can have someone to boss her around again? Does Anders ever change his outfit? Is it the same one, or does he just have a bunch of them? Is he smelly? You guys, IS ANDERS SMELLY???
A slightly less important question – when did Indra become a dumb-dumb? As she walked out of the palace, I was like, “oh wow, she really wants the Faithful dead,” because I legit thought that was the plan, because HOW could she think those bozos were going to kill SHIEDHEDA??? When Murphy ran back in, I was honestly perplexed, like, “this is absolutely what was going to happen, under all circumstances, all possible roads would have led to this outcome, why are you stressing?”
Anders took our girls outside to fully indoctrinate them to the Narcissistic cause of Narcissism or whatever, and we finally got a good look at those Crystal Giants we’ve heard so much about (all good things, all good things…) I guess the OG Bardonians warred with some aliens and decidedly LOST SO HARD, and breathed in some toxic air that crystalized them from the inside out. Of all the horrible ways to go that this show has gifted us with, this is probably the least-fun, right?? It just sounds like a terrible time, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to be crystalized from the inside-out, so don’t ask me to do it, because I don’t want to.
Anyway, they were like, “yeah, okay, cool, we’re in,” *wink*, but maybe there WAS no wink? I don’t even KNOW!
Levitttttttttt!!!! Our adorable lil’ snack is BACK, and now he’s their training-assistant because of his huge crush on Octavia (hahaha). Diyoza asked him the question on ALL our minds, which was, “you send us out there to die, bud?” and he was like, “only sorta!” and Octavia was like, “sounds good to me.” Apparently he thought the couple of hours it would have taken their bodies to crystalize from the inside out was enough time for him to “think of something.” So. That clears that up.
Anders was basically the epitome of clingy this episode, and insisted that our girls love him and Bardo more than anything or anyone, more than each other, and definitely more than ice cream. Like, RELAX, dude, have the confidence to see how it plays out, ya know? So, after it was clear that they didn’t need any physical training (they kicked the Bardonites asses so immediately, I loved it), it was time for some mental
They simulated Hope being taken away to be raised by the collective body, then told Diyoza that her family would be sent back to Sky Ring one by one to die lonely deaths if they didn’t love ONLY HIM FOREVER. She was like, “welp, I don’t love it, but it is what it is.” *shrug* It SEEMED like she was on board for all that “the many before the few” stuff Anders was spouting, and we honestly didn’t get confirmation that she wasn’t, so… I don’t know? I just don’t know!
Hope! I’m with you! Girl was just so peeved about everything, and it totally showed. Anders and Levitt showed off their baby farm (the idea being that baby-plants don’t form bonds that would overpower their duty), and they were like, “see?? We grow babies! That makes us cool! Love only us forever!” Hope was like, “We need to discuss your definition of cool,” but Diyoza was like, “It’s more like AWESOME, ammiright?” It’s clear she was trying to keep them all from dying alone on a prison planet, but also… maybe not? I just don’t know!
Our girls being forced to go to school with children was just so absurdly and awkwardly hilarious that I could barely pay attention to the scene. Once again, very little was actually learned, other than ‘the Shepherd is the greatest and for sure isn’t clingy.” Hope once again wasn’t about it, but the others seemed to be having a fine enough time.
They all ganged up on Hope, telling her to stop having emotions so she can pass the tests and get a cool face tattoo and join the Bardo Fun-Time Band, and sing their hit single, “Maybe I’m a Sociopath But Everything’s Fine.” This is when Echo was like, “I believe what they’re teaching…” and I was like, “wait what? But. What? Really? Why? Echo? Really??? Why????” Does she? Or was it a show for whomever might have been watching? I just don’t know!
Levitt was showing off the Bardo cool weapons collection, and Echo was like, “I see you have a season-ending bio weapon?” and Levitt was like, “hahahahhahahaha, ppppfffftttttt, naw.” They weaponized the toxic crystal cloud, and you guys, that weapon is FOR SURE going to be used. Do you think it has a lever??? Clarke won’t be able to resist!
Hahahahahahha WHAT. Echo stunned her pals in order to win a carnival game, and then she was all, “breaking rules is the coolest”, and Anders FELL IN LOVE. What is even going on, you guys? I just don’t know!
HUZZZZZZAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Levitt visited Octavia’s shockingly luxurious bedchamber under the guise of an intense pep-talk, but we all knew what was up! As their ship sailed, I couldn’t quite let my heart believe it, because a large part of me thought it was FOR SURE a simulation test to see if Octavia would set aside her feelings for him for the greater good [or vise versa]. But nope! Not a simulation! Whether he’s 100% sincere in his wooing remains to be seen, though (HE BETTER BE).
Be honest- how many of you believed that we lost our beloved Hope? Basically after the simulations were introduced I thought EVERY SINGLE scene was one, so I was skeptical, which was the only thing stopping me from throwing my computer into a vat of honey. Anyway, Echo passed the test! She simulation-killed Hope! Did she somehow KNOW it was a simulation, or did she straight-up simu-murder her pal with zero remorse? I just don’t know!
Hope, on the other hand, did not pass. Girl has had nothing but revenge on the brain for 15 years, so I’m not super surprised, except for the whole “murder your prepubescent classmates” aspect of this plan.
Octavia and Diyoza also simu-impaled Hope (!?!?!?!?) and passed the test (I JUST DON’T KNOW), so they got their rad new face tattoos, and Echo got to decide Hope’s fate.
Echo suggested Hope spend ANOTHER five years in an idyllic, peaceful, beautiful prison, but this time ALONE (yikes) so she can shed her social bonds (double yikes). A hopeful little sliver of my heart was like, “shhhhhh, Toni, it’s okay, she’s simply getting her out of harm’s way. She knows she’s strong enough to make it through, Echo is playing her super-spy game.” I hope you’re right, heart-sliver. I hope you’re right.
Diyoza and Octavia seemed pretty put-out about the whole thing, which was rich coming from her two moms who just simu-killed her (or maybe they didn’t REALLY??? I just don’t know).
Back at Sanctum, Nikki was still large and in charge in the palace, and apparently still peeved about her husband being melted alive that one time. After pointing a gun at Madi (which filled by body with white hot rage), she asked Emori to join her performance.
Nikki was all, “bring me the ‘Primes’ and the coolest chick to have ever lived PRONTO, or I will start killing hostages, starting with one of three people in the room with actual names.” She made Emori confirm that she was in danger, but our beloved survivor was all, “naw, I’m good,” and told them not to come!!
Then, the Beautiful Creepster was all, “k, but of course I’m going,” and YOU GUYS, remember when these two were only out for themselves and now they are the TRUEST OF HEROES?? Please let them make it through the season, please, please, please.
Indra returned with the news that their pals have vanished in a puff of dead bodies, and Jackson was all, “but my beloved,” and Indra was like, “yeah man, my daughter,” and Murphy was like, “can we focus please, we need to do something to bump us up to the A plot,” and Jackson and Indra just laaaaaaaaaughed, like, “sure pal, heh heh, sure.” So a plan was hatched to ask Shied to be a hero (lol).
Shied agreed to walk into the chaos (which he helped create), IF he could play mini golf or something, and Indra was like, “fine, you ghoul, whatever,” so he told them about a secret tunnel, and the FakePrimeEttes prepared for their big show.
Hahaha, Shied’s reveal was just so SHIED, you know? Anyway, the truth was out, but all Nikki gave a hoot about was killing Emori in Raven’s place, so the Beautiful Creepster took the blame and stalled long enough for Indra to storm the castle and put a stop to all the tomfoolery.
*sigh* *even bigger, deeper, more obnoxious sigh*
The truth was out. There was no reason they couldn’t kill Shied themselves. Indra could’ve shot him right there, and the Faithful would’ve shrugged and gone about their day. There was zero reason for Indra to risk their lives and have them kill Shied for her. Why she thought this would work is truly a mystery for the ages. Unless my initial impression was correct, and she really DID want everyone in that room dead? Did she think the Faithful were going to revolt over the loss of their God? I just don’t know!
Anyway, he annihilated all of them, obviously.
And now he’s the king of Wonkru… obviously. RIP ShortBangs McFaithful and Cool Sympathetic Dad. We hardly knew ye.
So, what did you guys think?
By the end of the episode, I was still pretty hazy on what exactly the Bardonite cause is. I just don’t know! The war to end all wars? The salvation of all of humanity? These are very vague promises! Okay, so there are foes that are supposedly coming to turn everyone into crystal collectables. Cool, I guess? Do they pose a threat to every human-inhabited planet? Are we even sure these foes will return? ARE there foes, or is it all bullcorn?
After all the pontification about saving mankind, I honestly thought the Bardonite cause was going to be a bigger deal. Like, almost supernatural? On a universal scale? I can’t imagine the big threat for the back half of the last season will be space-foes we’ve never heard of. Will they turn out to be Eligius II? Or maybe the vengeful space-ghost of the Mountain King riding a celestial mutated gorilla? (A girl can dream) There’s something else going on here that will tie it all together, and I want to know what it is (because right now I just don’t know).
- “Gabriel saved us,” uuuuuuggggghhhhh I don’t care that he turned out to be right, it was still a dick move. Even if they were running to their deaths, that was still their choice to make, I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL. That being said, the fact that they waited until then before asking about his whereabouts/wellbeing is sad and weird. Be better friends!
- JUST LET OCTAVIA HAVE THIS, PLEASE.
- Echo is playing the long game, you mark my words!
- Anders trained Orlando himself, and it was a “shame he had to die,” *WINK*. (Or maybe there’s no wink? I just don’t know!) Honestly, if he doesn’t return, then his death was very lame, and he deserved better.
- Nikki’s timepiece was very fancy!
- Anders has noticed Levitt’s colossal crush on Octavia, and it has me worried!
- Anyone about to tell me that they like plain yogurt is lying to themselves.
- This little fist bump!!! 🖤
- There were two JOKES FROM THE PAAAAAAAAAST last week. Congratulations to our winners ninjachris3, and Cathemeral for spotting Cadogan being familiarly creepy, and Callie being familiarly awesome:
Man, I miss Abby.
- The show returns on August 5th, so see you guys in 3 weeks! (miss you already)
OKAY THAT’S IT FROM ME THANK YOU FOR COMING ILY ALL STAY SAFE OUT THERE!!!